You CAN'T Walk a Mile in Someone's Shoes

 My daughter, Alyssa, said something so profound last week that it took me a minute to grasp it. "You can't walk a mile in someone's shoes," she said, "when their experience has been completely different than yours."

 

Since I'm a strong believer in the power of empathy, my first impulse was to disagree with her, but Alyssa quickly made her point.

"If a child goes to school day after day, having not had enough food at home, having only one pair of clothes to wear, being scared and tired all the time, you can't understand what her experience is like."

She's right.

You might think you can imagine what it is like to wrestle with a devastating disease, or to work all day after being up night after night with a chronically sick child, but you can't. At best, you can get a pale, brief glimpse of that experience.

This is not to say that you shouldn't try. Empathy and understanding are hugely important. But here's Alyssa's point: by thinking you can walk a mile in someone's shoes, you minimize their experience.

Sure, you can probably imagine what it's like to be your neighbor, who also has three kids, two cars, and a colonial house on a nice street. But you can't grasp what it is like to hold down three jobs... unless you hold down three jobs.

Since my discussion with Alyssa, I've been thinking about ways to deal with people whose experience has been utterly different than yours:

Don't minimize: Being poor your entire life is not like that summer after college when you lived on just $900 and drove cross country with three friends. Avoid the temptation to trivialize someone else's challenges by comparing them to your own modest inconveniences. Likewise, if you have overcome major issues, don't trivialize the day-to-day demands on someone who seems to have an "easy" life.

Acknowledge reality: When you encounter a person in the midst of significant challenges, recognize the scope of their reality. Instead of letting this reality drift to the back of your mind, keep it front and center. Do everything you can to support that person, and to take their challenges seriously.

Be flexible: When confronted with chronic problems or a major crisis, people don't move on the same schedule as well-off folks. This doesn't mean they can't learn, work, contribute or add value. It just might mean that you need to invest patience and understanding before seeing progress. Adopt their agenda, not your own.

Treasure uniqueness: Even if you did have precisely the same life as someone else, you each would have a different experience. Your thoughts, behaviors and attitudes are unique. Instead of mistakenly assuming that we all lead similar lives, recognize that we all have wildly different perceptions of the world around us.

Instead of walking a mile in someone's shoes, try walking an extra mile alongside that person.