Our days are filled with a constant stream of decisions. Most are
mundane, but some are so important that they can haunt you for the rest
of your life.
A recent study from Columbia University found that we’re bogged down by more than 70 decisions a day.
A new study from the University of Texas shows that even when our
brains aren’t tired, they can make it very difficult for us to make good
decisions. When making a decision, instead of referencing the knowledge
we’ve accumulated, our brains focus on specific, detailed memories.
For example, if you’re buying a new car and trying to decide if you
should go for the leather seats, even though you know you can’t afford
it, your brain might focus on memories of the wonderful smell and feel
of the leather seats in your brother’s sports car, when it should be
focused on the misery you’re going to experience when making your
monthly car payments. Since you don’t have memories of this yet, it’s a
hard thing for your brain to contemplate.
Some decisions are minor, such as what to eat, which route to drive
to work, or in what order to tackle tasks; others are more difficult,
such as choosing between two job offers, whether to move to a new city
for someone you love, or whether to cut a toxic person out of your life.
Regardless of the magnitude of the decision, our brains make it hard
for us to keep the perspective we need to make good choices.
Bronnie Ware spent her career as a palliative care nurse, working
exclusively with people who were 3 to 12 months from death. She made a
habit of asking them about their greatest regrets, and she heard the
same five regrets time and time again. By studying these regrets, you
can make certain that you make good choices and don’t fall victim to
them yourself.
They wish they hadn’t made decisions based on what other people think. When you make your decisions based on other people’s opinions, two things tend to happen:
- You make a poor career choice: There are too many people out there who studied for a degree they regret or even spent their lives pursuing a career they regret. Whether you’re seeking parental approval or pursing pay and prestige over passion, making a poor career choice is a decision that will live with you forever.
- You fail to uphold your morals: When you get too caught up in what your boss thinks of you, how much money you think your spouse needs to be happy, or how bad you will look if you fail, you are at high risk of violating your own morals. Your intense desire to make yourself look good compromises your ability to stay true to yourself and, ultimately, to feel good.
The best way to avoid falling prey to the opinions of others is to
realize that other people’s opinions are just that—opinions. Regardless
of how great or terrible they think you are, that’s only their opinion.
Your true self-worth comes from within.
They wish they hadn’t worked so hard. Working hard
is a great way to impact the world, to learn, to grow, to feel
accomplished, and sometimes even to find happiness, but it becomes a
problem when you do so at the expense of the people closest to you.
Ironically, we often work hard to make money for the people we care
about without realizing that they value our company more than money. The
key is to find a balance between doing what you love and being with the
people you love. Otherwise you’ll look back one day and wish you’d
focused more on the latter.
They wish they had expressed their feelings. We’re
taught as children that emotions are dangerous and that they must be
bottled up and controlled. This usually works at first, but boxing up
your feelings causes them to grow until they erupt. The best thing you
can do is to put your feelings directly on the table. Though it’s
painful to initiate, it forces you to be honest and transparent.
For example, if you feel as though you don’t make enough money at
work, schedule a meeting with your boss and propose why you think you’re
worth more. As a result, she will either agree with you and give you a
raise or disagree and tell you what you do need to do to become more
valuable. On the other hand, if you do nothing and let your feelings
fester, this will hinder your performance and prevent you from reaching
your goal.
They wish they had stayed in touch with their friends. When
you get caught up in your weekly routine, it’s easy to lose sight of
how important people are to you, especially those you have to make time
for. Relationships with old friends are among the first things to fall
off the table when we’re busy. This is unfortunate because spending time
with friends is a major stress buster. Close friends bring you energy,
fresh perspectives, and a sense of belonging, in a way that no one else
can.
They wish they had let themselves be happy. When
your life is about to end, all the difficulties you’ve faced suddenly
become trivial compared to the good times. This is because you realize
that, more often than not, suffering is a choice. Unfortunately, most
people realize this far too late. Although we all inevitably experience
pain, how we react to our pain is completely under our control, as is
our ability to experience joy. Learning to laugh, smile, and be happy
(especially when stressed) is a challenge at times, but it’s one that’s
worth every ounce of effort.
Bringing It All Together
Some decisions have repercussions that can last a lifetime. Most of
these decisions are made daily, and they require focus and perspective
to keep them from haunting you.
How do you avoid making decisions you’ll regret? Please share
your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from
you as you do from me.
Dr. Travis Bradberry
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