You’re pretty sure you’ve finally found that right person for you. You
know, the one who listens intently while you vent about your grueling
day at work and is there to hold you tightly on the couch with your
Netflix queue already lined up. But how can you tell for sure? Luckily,
science has some answers.
Read up on these research-backed factors that strongly influence whether or not you and your S.O. are meant to go the distance.
1. You're Both Positive
Sure, this one might not come as a surprise, but studies
show that a positive outlook and a few genuinely exchanged smiles a day
can go a long way in keeping a relationship stable. Researchers from the
University of Chicago found that when just one partner possesses a high
level of positivity, there’s less conflict in the relationship.
“Positive emotions are fundamental to any relationship because they
counteract the negative emotions that shut us down,” says Jane Greer,
New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. “This
translates into feeling more secure with your partner and more
trusting.” And the benefits of seeing the cup half full don’t stop
there. Another study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
found that couples who celebrated their partners' achievements—say, a
job promotion or killing that 7-minute mile—as if they were their own,
experienced greater satisfaction than those who reacted negatively or
with indifference. In the study, the couples who had broken up rated
their partners’ typical responses to good news as “particularly
uninspiring.” While this isn’t to say you should break out in the
Carlton Dance next time bae offers up some good news, it’s a sure sign
that optimism can benefit you both.
2. You Keep Texting to a Meaningful Minimum
Between emojis and GIFs, our feelings and emotions are
pretty clearly captured sans alphabetical symbols these days. But tread
lightly when communicating with your significant other via
telecommunication, say researchers from Brigham Young University. After
surveying 276 men and women around age 22 and in committed
relationships, they found that heavy texting was to blame for both
genders feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. “Texting is
precarious for a lot of people in relationships because it’s hard to
flesh out our genuine expressions,” says Dr. Greer. “When one person is
less interactive, the expectation is not matched by the reality for the
other, and this can lead to disappointment and a feeling of
disconnection.” Similarly, the study found that the men who texted more often
reported lower relationship quality than those who didn’t text their
partners as frequently, while the women who texted more often reported
higher relationship quality. Researchers speculate that as men detach
from the relationship, they replace face-to-face convo with increased
texting. The ladies, on the other hand, take to their mobile devices to
try and make things work. Bottom line? Hold the phone—literally.
3. You Limit Social Media Use
You love checking your Instagram, Facebook and Twitter feeds—and, chances are, it’s probably also how you read your news. But over-scrolling on social media may be one of the most toxic things you can do for your relationship. One study in the Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking
found that people who use Facebook more than once a day (ahem, most of
us) are more likely to report conflicts in the relationship that
inevitably lead to negative outcomes like cheating, breaking up, or
getting divorced. “Romantic relationships can be challenging enough to
navigate without these added technological complications,” says Joseph
Cilona, Psy.D., Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist. “Finding
ways to simplify or minimize potential pitfalls, like limiting what
each other shares about your relationship on social media, is a great
rule of thumb to follow.” But good news for your social media mojo if
you and your man or lady have been together for over three years: These
results only held for couples in the early years of the relationship,
which may mean the threat of Facebook coming between you two reduces the
longer you stay together.
4. You Cuddle
Most of us admit to loving the feeling of being physically close to
another human—it’s a natural, biological response. But when consistent
physical intimacy (not just sexual) is a staple of how you both behave
in your relationship, it also signals your levels of happiness together.
A study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy surveyed 100 men and 195 women to examine their preferences and attitudes towards romantic physical affection—massaging, caressing, cuddling, holding hands, hugging—
and found overwhelmingly that the amount they experienced in their
relationship was significantly correlated to their levels of couple
satisfaction.”Cuddling and tenderness help maintain the physical
connection and intimacy shared between couples—not just when you’re
being sexual,” says Dr. Greer. “As a result, it can be easier to get
turned on because there’s always an element of sexual energy being
shared through physical touches, therefore leading to a happier
relationship overall.” So next time you’re in the mood to snuggle,
remember science is on your side!
5. You Actually Fight Instead of Holding Back Your Feelings
While you might get down and out about the latest tiff you had with your boo, one study
reports that it may be the all-important glue that winds up keeping
your relationship together. Researchers from Florida State University
found that expressing anger when disagreements arise may actually be
necessary in resolving problems in the relationship. In fact, that whole
saying “forgive and forget” could surprisingly lead to buried feelings of resentment that fester
and almost always come up later in the courtship. “If you learn to
argue in a healthy way early on, then you're more comfortable expressing
your emotions to your partner and working through your different points
of view,” says Dr. Greer. “This creates a good working framework for
handling arguments in a positive way instead of them resurfacing
constantly, causing more strain in the relationship.” So don’t be afraid
to put your feelings out there and fight (respectfully, of course) next
time you feel passionately for or against something in your
relationship.
6. You Have Regular Sex
If the honeymoon phase has come and gone and the two of you
still maintain a consistently hot-and-heavy romp schedule, you’re on
the road to relationship bliss. In fact, a study published in the
journal Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that having sex at least once a week brings as much happiness to your relationship
as making an extra $50,000. For this study, researchers surveyed more
than 30,000 Americans over four decades, and found that having sex just once a week was the frequency most linked to relationship happiness. Surprisingly, couples who had sex
more or less frequently were not happier. “Intimacy is just another type
of communication, so if that communication falters, so will your sexual
connection in response,” says Dr. Tessina. That being said, your sexual
chemistry is not a race to the sack. “If you’re mutually enjoying more sex,
than it will make you both happier, but remember that it comes down to
both people wanting to be intimate that often,” says Dr. Greer.
7. You're Similar
You know the old saying, “opposites attract”? Well, if you
happen to have a lot in common with your partner, it may be a better
recipe for attraction. In fact, a brand-new study
by researchers from Wellesley College and the University of Kansas
found that we’re actually hard-wired to desire “like-minded others.”
They were able to reach this conclusion by analyzing pairs or
people—from romantic couples to friends and even mere
acquaintances—interacting in public. The pairs were asked questions
about attitude, values, and prejudice, among other things, and it was
found that the longer-term relationship pairs had greater similarities
than those who had recently become acquainted. “If you’re more alike in
terms of your personalities, you’re sharing similar styles of dealing
with a variety of things in life—from interacting with friends to
experiencing life changes,” says Dr. Greer. “So if you and your partner
share similar values and interests, you’ll wind up with more cooperative
spirits and having a greater respect for one another.”
8. Your Spending Habits Differ
You’re certainly not alone if you find that the majority of the arguments you have as a couple are sparked by personal (or combined) finances. In fact, a Money Magazine poll found that a whopping 70 percent of couples argue about finances the most—more than household chores, togetherness, sex,
snoring, and so on. But if the two of you have stark differences in the
way in which you prefer to spend—a.k.a. one of you is a spendthrift and
the other is a tightwad (yes, that’s an actual term)—you just might be
perfect for each other. The proof is in one study by the Universities of
Pennsylvania, Michigan and Northwestern. Researchers surveyed over
1,000 married and unmarried couples, and found that most individuals
tend to choose their spending opposite when it comes to selecting a
lifelong partner. So if that sounds like you and yours, you just may
have the perfect yin-and-yang combo to make things work. “Just remember
to prioritize the big-spending opportunities like buying a car, house,
etc,” reminds Dr. Greer.
9. You Laugh at the Same Jokes
If you and your sweetie both know how to appreciate a raunchy comedy routine (Eddie Murphy Raw,
anyone?), love anything with Will Ferrell, or both equally detest
either of those two scenarios, you’re a match made in heaven, says
science. A study published in the Western Journal of Communication found
that 75 percent of happy couples laugh together at least once a day.
Even more interesting, another study reported in the same journal found
that 92 percent of married men and women credited humor as a factor that
made a significant contribution to their married life. “Laughing at and
appreciating the same comedy is the emotional oil to grease the wheels
of a relationship to keep it moving forward,” says Dr. Greer. “It gives
each of you the resilience you need to laugh off the petty and
irrelevant things that naturally build up in life and offers more
chances to bond intimately on a regular basis.”
10. You Both Love to Booze It Up or Not At All
We’ve all seen it at one point in our lives—the couple
scenario where one person is totally sober and the other is a giant,
falling-all-over-the-place mess. There’s a good reason why those
unmatched levels of drunkenness or sobriety don’t wind up working out in
the end. In a study published in the journal of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research,
scientists reviewed data collected from nearly 20,000 married couples,
and found that the spouses who consumed relatively the same amount of
alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one person drank
more heavily or significantly lighter than the other spouse. “I’ve seen
many couples split when one of the pair of drinkers got sober,” says Dr.
Tessina. “Alcohol alters a heavy drinker’s experiences and perceptions,
so couples who drink heavily together naturally have similar ways of
living, as do couples who don’t drink much at all.”
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