FASHION WEEK: 7 ways going to New York Fashion Week is like bad sex

Just tell Fashion Week you’ve got a headache for the next eight days.

Seriously, don’t feel bad if you can’t get into the shows beginning Thursday. And if you can, consider skipping it for a more satisfying night in. Anyone who’s covered it can tell you that suffering through a fashion show is like bad sex, if not worse. Let us count the ways.

You dress to impress in uncomfortable clothes.

Most runway shows aren’t worth the underwire or the stilettos you tottered in on. You’ll either be standing outside in a huddle, or sitting in the dark. It’s as meaningless as wearing your most painful push-up bra for a one-night stand.

It takes forever to get there.

Especially now that Fashion Week has no central Bryant Park or Lincoln Center hub, the shows are scattered across town. Getting a cab or an Uber to each studio becomes a "Hunger Games"-style battle royale — because no one takes the subway to the catwalk or a booty call.

The foreplay is awful.

You elbow your way through selfie-obsessed wannabes to check in before waiting outside for half an hour. And once you get inside, you wait another 20 or 30 minutes for the show to start (sometimes an hour if it’s Marc Jacobs), because these never begin on time.

No one gives flowers or gifts anymore.

Actually getting free booze or good swag at a fashion show is about as likely as your Tinder date showing up with a bouquet. You are probably going to just sit and sweat on a folding chair while holding a “gift bag” with flat water and makeup samples that don’t match your skin tone.

 

The main event is over in a minute.

Talk about anticlimatic. After hours of buildup, the actual runway show lasts maybe seven minutes. And the magical event you pictured is really just waifs stomping down a catwalk in clothes you never like to bad house music. You shaved your legs for this?

No one smiles

Every runway model has resting bitch face — and so does everyone in the audience. That’s because no one is having any fun. So you suffer through it by fantasizing about being somewhere else with someone else.

There’s nothing to smile about on or off the catwalk.

(JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

It’s way more fun watching it online.

Porn is to actual sex what streaming a runway show is to the real thing — a slickly edited production where everything is hot. The videos cut to the chase and show you close-ups and angles that you can’t get during the event itself. Best of all, you can watch and fantasize solo from the comfort of your own home. Now that’s haute.