For newly married couples, after almost three years of trying to get
pregnant, the feelings that go along with that could be very stressful.
Yes, a couple could stop connecting deeply like they used to when both
are busy with tests, fertility charting, timed intercourse, and medical
procedures, the mood altering, fertility drugs and the financial strains
may render the couple both physically and emotionally down while their
communication skills may totally seize due to the fear of hurting each
other with the reality of talking about their challenges.
Infertility, therefore, may cause stress
not only on the couple but also on their relationship, sex life and
eventually on their marriage as a whole. But Sex Therapist and Fertility
Counselor, Mrs. Tola Ajayi of Nordic Fertility Centre, says this could
be avoided if couple would talk, as regular as possible, about sex and
their sex life during a period like this so that they can keep sex fun
while trying to conceive.
At an open forum organised by Nordica
Fertility Centre and with the theme, ‘Sex and Fertility’, where the aim
was basically to sensitise couples on how to keep the spark in their sex
lives even while they are trying to make babies, Ajayi said,
infertility is such a major life stressor that usually wreaks havoc on a
couple’s sex life. She said therefore that it was pertinent couples
talk about sex as regular as they can in their marriage in order to
revive their sex life.
Taking the audience through the tips for a
better sex life when dealing with infertility, Ajayi said: “There are
issues with sex that people don’t talk about. There are some problems
with sexual activities that need help and for us to be able to have a
good relationship and a good marriage, sex is very important and we find
that because people are not really talking about it, so many marital
relationships are suffering. So it is important that we talk about sex.
We know that in Nigeria, it is almost like a taboo to talk about sex.
That is why we feel that it is important for us to start talking about
it at Nordica, more so because in course of our managing fertility
challenges, we have come to see a lot of problems associated with sex
and yet couples are afraid or ashamed to talk about sex.”
The sex therapist explained further that
when there is no communication with each other, one partner may be
assuming what the other partner is thinking and feeling instead of
actually taking time to communicate what is being experienced and felt
and thereby oblivious of what the other is going through.
“When a couple with fertility issue come
to us and are asked how many times they have sex in a week and then they
are looking at each other, then you know that there is a problem. And
sometimes, you hear some say, we don’t even have sex again – young
couples no longer having sex? So we want them to realise that with or
without children, they still have each other. Even when they have
children, these children would grow up and leave the house and just the
two of you alone.
So what is going to happen to your sex
lives if you are not working on it now? So we preach that fertility
challenge should not be an issue that will bring about separation in a
home. There is no reason couples should not enjoy sex even in their 70s.
Sex is not only for young people and menopause is not a reason why a
woman should not have sex. So when issue of sex arise in marriage,
couple should talk about it otherwise there would be relationship issues
in such marriage,” noted.
Stressing on how good sexual
relationships between couples will boost fertility, the relationship
counselor said, “Sex is a natural instinct, it is acceptable in the
Bible and society accepts it. We are talking about the husband and wife
here; if you don’t talk about sex, then you die in problem. Reason being
that if you don’t talk about it, you end up having relationship issues
because you are not enjoying sex. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed and not
to be endured. So if you don’t talk about your problems you would not be
able to identify the solution to them and then you would not be able to
solve your problems.”
Ajayi who was completely raw all through
her presentations on this very sensitive topic, advised that couples in
course of their fertility journey should endeavour not to allow their
sex routine to become so technical with all the charting, timing and
reporting back to doctors but rather they should endeavour to make sex
as passionate as ever by being more creative in love making, like trying
other sexual activities with each other that have nothing to do with
making a baby.
Ajayi insisted also that, “Even if you
need to use sex toys to overcome your problem, you got to use them,”
adding, talking freely about sex amongst couple is the taboo that we
want to remove. If we can talk about every other thing, so also we can
talk about sex so that it will help couples with fertility challenges as
well as those without fertility challenges.”
by Mary Ekah
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