The first time my boyfriend of eight years farted in my presence was
about two months into our relationship, on my futon, in front of my
roommate. We were in my dorm room laughing about something, and he
squeaked one out mid-laugh. It surprised all of us.
He was obviously embarrassed over that booty chatter, but I remember
saying, “It’s fine; it’s just me. I don’t care.” I wasn’t just trying to
be #relationshipgoals-worthy.
Basically, I was clearing the way for a
toot-safe relationship. I was not about to set a precedent that would
give me stomach cramps and gas anxiety for years to come.
The thing is, as human women, we fart. And when that gas escapes your
cheeks for the first time in front of your partner, it can go one of
two ways. Option one: You LOL, shrug, and maybe high five. Option two:
He looks at you as if you’ve just unzipped your skin and revealed that
you’re actually a frat bro rocking a jersey and a dad bod.
If it’s the latter, it’s time to say, “boy, bye.”
Physically, it’s just normal for people to get tootie-fruity and that
includes women. If a guy expects his partner not to have human flaws,
it essentially means he’s a bit sexist. Don’t @ me. (Have more fun with masturbation with the JimmyJane Form 6 vibrator!)
Feminism preaches the theory of political, economic, and social
equality of the sexes—and that equality extends to farts. Toots from
both genders are equally gross (and normal) and should be judged as
such. If he thinks that it’s more disgusting for you to rip it good than
him or his bros, that’s a red flag. Besides being a jerk move, judging
your toots just highlights the unrealistic expectations for women in
relationships. We’re supposed to be a freak in the sheets, a lady in the
street, and a Victoria’s Secret Angel post-Chinese takeout. Seriously,
if you’re a person who doesn’t have GI issues after wontons and fried
rice, please donate your body to science. You’re a unicorn.
Fart-shaming is also a slippery slope to feeling self conscious about
other completely normal bodily functions. Once you’ve accepted that your
partner will put you down for farting, you might find yourself really
concerned about queefing during sex, having a booger in your nose, and
pooping. Ain’t nobody got time to monitor all of those bodily functions
and strategize ways to hide them. And while you can keep running to
Starbucks to do something mysterious in their bathroom, once you start
living together (you know, if you get that far) the jig is up. There are
some things Poo-Pourri just can’t cover.
One of the biggest problems with being fart-shamed by your BAE is
that it’s a huge intimacy killer. No, making it rain methane is not
romantic (unless that’s your thing, no judgment), but it does show
vulnerability. And when that vulnerable act is met with acceptance, it
brings you and your non-shamey partner in crime closer. When it’s met
with shade, it makes you feel sh—ty and ashamed for showing your true
colors—farts and all.
Yep. I’m arguing here that farting in front of your partner is sign
of a healthy relationship (and digestive system). We can all agree that
slut-shaming, skinny-shaming, and fat-shaming are all pretty f’d up, so
why are we still fine with our partners judging us for farting?
In any relationship, the best thing you can do is put all of your cards
(and bodily functions) on the table. If he can’t deal with any of
that—including your status as a human capable of having gas—it’s time to
find a dude who loves you for who you are. Is it really a coincidence
that heart rhymes with fart?
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