Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that being likable
comes from natural, unteachable traits that belong only to a lucky
few—the good looking, the fiercely social, and the incredibly talented.
It’s easy to fall prey to this misconception. In reality, being likable
is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).
In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 descriptions of
people based on their perceived significance to likability. The
top-rated descriptors had nothing to do with being gregarious,
intelligent, or attractive (innate characteristics). Instead, the top
descriptors were sincerity, transparency, and capable of understanding (another person).
These adjectives, and others like them, describe people who are skilled in the social side of emotional intelligence. TalentSmart
research data from more than a million people shows that people who
possess these skills aren’t just highly likable; they outperform those
who don’t by a large margin.
Likability is so powerful that it can completely alter your
performance. A University of Massachusetts study found that managers
were willing to accept an argument with no supporting evidence if he or she was likable, and Jack Zenger found that just 1 in 2000 unlikable leaders are considered effective.
I did some digging to uncover the key behaviors that hold people back
when it comes to likability. Make certain these behaviors don’t catch
you by surprise.
1. Humble-bragging.
We all know those people who
like to brag about themselves behind the mask of self-deprecation. For
example, the gal who makes fun of herself for being a nerd when she
really wants to draw attention to the fact that she’s smart or the guy
who makes fun of himself for having a strict diet when he really wants
you to know how healthy and fit he is. While many people think that
self-deprecation masks their bragging, everyone sees right through it.
This makes the bragging all the more frustrating, because it isn’t just
bragging; it’s also an attempt to deceive.
2. Being too serious. People gravitate toward those
who are passionate. That said, it’s easy for passionate people to come
across as too serious or uninterested, because they tend to get absorbed
in their work. Likable people balance their passion for their work with
their ability to have fun. At work they are serious, yet friendly. They
still get things done because they are socially effective in short
amounts of time and they capitalize on valuable social moments. They
focus on having meaningful interactions with their coworkers,
remembering what people said to them yesterday or last week, which shows
people that they are just as important to them as their work is.
3. Not asking enough questions. The biggest mistake
people make in conversation is being so focused on what they’re going to
say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them
that they fail to hear what’s being said. The words come through loud
and clear, but the meaning is lost. A simple way to avoid this is to ask
a lot of questions. People like to know you’re listening, and something
as simple as a clarification question shows that not only are you
listening but that you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll be
surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking
questions.
4. Emotional hijackings. My company provides 360°
feedback assessments, and we come across far too many instances of
people throwing things, screaming, making people cry, and other telltale
signs of an emotional hijacking. An emotional hijacking demonstrates
low emotional intelligence. As soon as you show that level of
instability, people will question whether or not you’re trustworthy and
capable of keeping it together when it counts.
Exploding at anyone, regardless of how much they might “deserve it,”
turns a huge amount of negative attention your way. You’ll be labeled as
unstable, unapproachable, and intimidating. Controlling your emotions
keeps you in the driver’s seat. When you’re able to control your
emotions around someone who wrongs you, they end up looking bad instead
of you.
5. Whipping out your phone. Nothing turns someone
off to you like a mid-conversation text message or even a quick glance
at your phone. When you commit to a conversation, focus all of your
energy on the conversation. You’ll find that conversations are more
enjoyable and effective when you immerse yourself in them.
6. Name-dropping. It’s great to know important and
interesting people, but using every conversation as an opportunity to
name-drop is pretentious and silly. Just like humble-bragging, people
see right through it. Instead of making you look interesting, it makes
people feel as though you’re insecure and overly concerned with having
them like you. It also cheapens what you have to offer. When you connect
everything you know with who you know (instead of what you know or what you think), conversations lose their color.
People are averse to those who are desperate for attention. Simply
being friendly and considerate is all you need to win people over. When
you speak in a friendly, confident, and concise manner, people are much
more attentive and persuadable than if you try to show them that you’re
important. People catch on to your attitude quickly and are more
attracted to the right attitude than who you know.
7. Gossiping. People make themselves look terrible
when they get carried away with gossiping. Wallowing in talk of other
people’s misdeeds or misfortunes may end up hurting their feelings if
the gossip ever finds its way to them, but gossiping is guaranteed to
make you look negative and spiteful every time.
8. Having a closed mind. If you want to be likable,
you must be open-minded, which makes you approachable and interesting to
others. No one wants to have a conversation with someone who has
already formed an opinion and is unwilling to listen. Having an open
mind is crucial in the workplace, where approachability means access to
new ideas and help. To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment, you
need to see the world through other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require
that you believe what they believe or condone their behavior; it simply
means that you quit passing judgment long enough to truly understand
what makes them tick.
9. Sharing too much, too early. While getting to
know people requires a healthy amount of sharing, sharing too much about
yourself right off the bat comes across wrong. Be careful to avoid
sharing personal problems and confessions too quickly. Likable people
let the other person guide them as to when it’s the right time for them
to open up. Over-sharing comes across as self-obsessed and insensitive
to the balance of the conversation. Think of it this way: if you’re
getting into the nitty gritty of your life without learning about the
other person first, you’re sending the message that you see them as
nothing more than a sounding board for your problems.
Bringing It All Together
When you build your awareness of how your actions are received by other people, you pave the way to becoming more likable.
What other things make people less likable? Please share your
thoughts in the comments section below, as I learn just as much from you
as you do from me.
Travis co-wrote the bestselling book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and co-founded TalentSmart.
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