9. Contemplate impermanence: To consider death and loss help to keep us awake, for we don’t have forever to show those that we love how we feel about them. We don’t have a moment to lose. In the Buddhist tradition, a meditation
on death is said that the most important meditation is the meditation
on death. To remember the brevity of our stay on the earthly plane helps
us to be more alert. By remembering that it is a great blessing to be a
spirit in a body, allows us to live with an open heart. In feeling the
love that we have for our partner, we live with an awareness that one
day, we won’t be able to be together any longer in bodily form, because
one of us will be forced to drop their body before the other. To
meditate on our beloved’s death shakes us into an awareness of how
precious it is to have them in our lives and keeps us from slipping into
taking them for granted. Living with the stark awareness of death
coming to one of us assists us to remain awake. We live with gratitude for all these moments, to this day, and feel blessed that we can be with our beloved.
10. Loving Kindness can manifest in many forms. When we commit
ourselves to the practice of loving-kindness, we look for all the ways
that we can extend the arms of love:
Appreciation Gratitude Forgiveness
Generosity Acknowledgment Validation
Acceptance Understanding Letting go of the past
Attention Empathy Being in service
Communication Recognition Connection
Tenderness Compassion Non-attachment
And the practice of responsible self-care so that we will be in good shape to continue to do all of the above.
11. Service: The passionate connection with your partner is not the
endpoint. It is a means to open ourselves up to experience the whole of
life more deeply. It is in living with a keener awareness of all that is
right around us, in experiencing life in vivid color, that we discover a
dynamic energy and creative force that resides in us all. We discover
the part of ourselves that wants to contribute to the greater good.
Letting go of the small desire system, to make our partner a priority
in our life, is magnificent training going beyond the self. Connecting
to something larger and grander than our own desires is training to be
in service. It is training for the transpersonal,
that which is beyond the personal. The constant practice of paying
attention to self and other calls forth more from us. It calls upon us
to expand, to be spacious, to have a larger vision, to be creative, and
to explore possibilities. We are called forth into the mystery.
Once we have given up being ego-driven, and become service driven, we
derive tremendous fulfillment from serving others. We serve by being an
example. We serve by giving of ourselves. We serve by risking caring.
To be in a sacred partnership is to take on a commitment to support each
other to become more effective servants.
12. Bestowing a blessing: When we are willing to give our partner our deepest heartfelt blessing, we wish them well for their health, happiness,
learning, prosperity, challenge, peace of mind, and anything else that
we think they are longing for. In growing up in our various religious
traditions, we can come to believe that receiving a blessing can only
come from a Rabbi, Priest, or Minister that has been ordained and
officially sanctioned to do so. In Rachael Naomi Remen's beautiful book,
My Grandfather's Blessing, she speaks with such feeling of the
many ways her life has been enriched by the love of her kind and wise
grandfather. She was close to him, as her parents
both worked and it was her grandfather that took care of her after
school every day until her parents came home from work. Her grandfather
observed the orthodox Jewish tradition of laying both hands on the head
of a loved child to give them a blessing for the week. Little Rachael
had told her grandfather about things that had happened at school,
things she had learned from her teacher and about her social
interactions with her friends. In addition to her reports of events of
her week, he had been carefully observing her and would weave into his
blessing, themes that were personally relevant to her concerns and
development.
It touches me to consider who we could each have become at this point
in our lives if we had had the benefit of a heartfelt blessing from a
wise relative throughout our childhood.
No doubt, we would have fewer minor conflicts, doubts, feelings of
inadequacy, and neuroses of various kinds. We would have become more
conscious, wise, and loving ourselves. And I am of the orientation that
it's never too late to have a happy childhood. If we didn't have enough
play and humor,
we need to create play and humor now. If we had to grow up fast and
didn't feel protected, we need to somehow create that experience now. If
we didn't receive enough love and we find ourselves constantly yearning
for it, our task is to establish loving relationships so we can house a
corrective experience and almost all of us did not experience enough of
feeling blessed.
So it isn't too late. But it will require that we design a contract
with our partner whereby we bestow a blessing on each other. The most
important part is that the blessing is sent from the heart. It can sound
many different ways. There is a devotional practice from the Buddhist
tradition where you cultivate the warm heart of compassion.
The lovely blessing is called Metta which means loving kindness.
May you be happy.
May you be free of suffering.
May you be free of physical suffering.
May you be free from mental suffering.
May you be free of emotional suffering.
May you enjoy peace of mind.
From the Jewish tradition
May God bless you and keep you.
May God's countenance shrine open you.
May God grant you peace.
We can use these lovely prayers as a starter kit and add our own
touches. Not only can the words be said in many different ways, but the
postures we take for the blessing can be whatever we feel drawn to. In
the Catholic tradition, it is to bend down to receive a blessing. In the
Jewish tradition, you remain standing, and the one blessing you can
either hold her hands a few inches above your head or lay both hands
gently on the crown of the head. It is lovely when the one giving the
blessing puts a hand over the heart of the recipient of the blessing
into his heart, and it flows down his arm into his hand and is
transmitted directly into her heart both with his touch, his words, and
his eye contact.
The first time I offered this exercise to one of my classes, many of
the couples sat down on the floor, draping their legs over each other to
be able to sit close and held the face of the other while they offered
the blessing or hugged, their chests and hearts touching while each
whispered the blessing in their beloved’s ear. Most of the couples wept
while they delivered and received the blessing.
All of these practices are a labor of love. When we pause to reflect
on what is of utmost importance to us, we find that it is the
relationships with those with whom we are the closest. To do daily
practice becomes easier over time and the rewards are tremendous. Don't
take my word for it, look to your own experience to see if you are
experiencing well-being and through your practice to become a more
loving person.
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