The Hardest Word

The ability to say no is crucial for mental health and self-confidence. Yet, loath to disappoint others, many go to extreme lengths to avoid uttering this slim but salient word. Here’s how to do it. 

"I can't say no,"

says Madhavi Dandu, a professor and clinician at the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine. "I've always been that way. Most of the time I've framed it as: There are a lot of things I want to do. But now that I have two school-age children, everything I do takes away from something else, or makes it impossible to do any one thing really well."

In addition to teaching, seeing patients, and sitting on faculty committees, Dandu fields queries from trainees seeking guidance. All get a yes. "I received that support," she says, "so I have to be there for the students."

At her children's school, she sits on the PTA board, a race and equity curriculum committee, and the district's advisory council, and she put together a Science Day for students featuring 30 interactive stations. "The school asked if I could do a two-day event next year," she says. Guess who said "Sure."
 
Dandu has high expectations for herself and doesn't like disappointing people. If something is challenging, she just figures she needs to step up. "I say yes more than I want to because it's hard to figure out what matters most," she says. Though she's benefited from the projects she's taken on and the relationships she's forged, the toll is mounting. "The checklist in my brain is always expanding. It's mentally exhausting."

For such a tiny word, no looms large in our consciousness. We don't like saying it, and we don't like hearing it. But it is the sharpest weapon we have in the clash between our desire to connect with and please others and our need to assert and defend our individuality and autonomy. How we wield no—if we do at all—has great consequences for our mental health and our ability to thrive.

Why We Don't Say It