Which Comes First? Desire? Or Sex?

For most men, libido is a “drive” that propels them toward sex. They want it and they go after it. But recent studies show that when many women, perhaps most, begin sexual encounters, they feel erotically neutral. Then, according to Rosemary Basson, M.D., a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, if they enjoy the sex, they eventually experience desire. In other words, for many women, possibly a majority, desire is not the cause of sex, but its result.

The idea that desire follows good sex turns conventional notions of libido upside down. But Basson’s insight also provides perspectives that can help men and women better understand each other and enjoy greater sexual satisfaction.

Women Really NEED Extended Warm-Up Time

Many supplements claim to boost women’s libido, and since Viagra, drug companies have been hot to develop drugs that pique desire in women. But if Basson is correct—and all the sexologists I’ve interviewed think she is—then drugs and supplements may be putting the erotic cart before the horse.

The question is not: What provokes women’s desire? The real question is: What kind of lovemaking allows women to feel relaxed, protected, and cherished enough to enjoy sex and eventually experience desire?

That’s easy. In dozens of sex surveys over the past 40 years, women say they prefer leisurely, playful, sensual lovemaking based on whole-body mutual massage that eventually (after 30 to 45 minutes) leads to genital caresses. Women’s top erotic complaint is that men are too rushed and too focused on female breasts and genitals, that men are all finished before women have even become interested. Viewed through the lens of Basson’s work, this makes perfect sense. The classic, porn-inspired male “wham, bam” style of sex doesn’t allow women the warm-up time they really need to feel sufficiently relaxed and valued so they can experience desire.

So, ladies, if you feel sexually neutral as an erotic interlude begins, you’re normal. If you’re “slow” to become aroused, you’re normal. If you like lots of kissing and cuddling and massage before things progress to genital sex, you’re normal.

And gentlemen, if you want her to feel turned on, if you want her to want you, then slow down, then slow down more. Kiss her, hold her close, and gently caress every square inch of her body from her scalp to her feet for at least 30 minutes before you touch her breasts or genitals.

“I’m Not In the Mood”

Basson’s discovery also sheds light on desire differences. After relationships’ initial hot-and-heavy period (six months to a year), desire cools, and one person—usually, but not always, the man—wants sex more than the other—typically the woman. Desire differences are virtually inevitable in long-term relationships, and often become festering sores. This joke always gets a grim rise out of men: What’s foreplay to a man married 10 years? An hour of pleading. Today, desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists.

Therapy is a good choice. Sex therapists have developed a deceptively simple yet remarkably effective program for resolving desire differences: Negotiate how often you’d like to make love, then pull out your calendars and schedule it in advance.

Of course, this opens a can of worms. Many people have strong feelings about sexual frequency, and many lower-desire folks cringe at scheduling, saying, “What if I’m not in the mood?”

 Michael Castleman M.A.