Questions To Ask Yourself If You're Only Staying Married 'For The Kids'

When you’re on the brink of divorce, the question of “Should I stay or should I go?” can get really complicated, really quickly—especially if there are kids involved.

 

For many women, staying in a marriage just for the kids—or at least until they reach a certain age—might seem like the best strategy. But if kids are the only reason you’re not headed to the courthouse, you might not be making the healthiest choice for you or for them, says Rebecca Hendrix, L.M.F.T., a marriage and family therapist in New York. “Staying together for the kids can sometimes be worse for them than divorcing,” she says.

If you’re stuck on how to make the best decision for your family, here are four questions you should ask yourself.

 

“You and your husband are your children’s main role models for how to do life,” explains Hendrix. That means, if you’re constantly at each other’s throats, you’re modeling bad relationship behavior. “If love as pain is modeled, your children are apt to grow up scared of getting into committed relationships because they don’t want a repeat of mom and dad,” she says.

 

“If the emotional strain of not having the partner you need is causing you to feel depleted and angry, your children are feeling it too,” says Hendrix. While divorcing is sad and scary, it can also come as an emotional relief for the whole family, she adds. “An eventual lightness and happiness replace the chronic tension.”

 

It’s common to want to wait for a certain milestone in your kids’ lives—whether that’s kindergarten, a bat mitzvah, or heading to college—before splitting. But ask yourself why you think that would be better, advises Hendrix. Are you waiting for kids to start school so that you’ll be able to go back to work? Are you waiting until they graduate high school since a divorce would likely mean a move that would uproot kids? “Weigh the cost of leaving now on your children versus staying together for x more years,” she says. “Try to see the entire divorce process and all its subsequent changes through your children’s eyes.” She also suggests calling in a pro to learn about how these changes will impact kids at different stages of development.

 

 

 “If the mental or physical health of you or your children is in danger, you should leave,” says Hendrix. Period. If you aren’t sure how to evaluate that, seek the help of a therapist who has experience with children. Ultimately, reasons for staying shouldn’t outweigh the chronic stress a messy marriage might be causing kids.

If you’re on the fence or unsure what splitting when you have kids will entail, ask for a consultation with a lawyer who can help explain how the law will apply to your specific case. Knowledge is power, says Ziegler. “People need to be empowered and make an informed decision.”

By Macaela Mackenzie