You don’t just become an adult when you turn 18. Adulting is a
process. It takes lots of trial and error and hard reminders from life
and expired relationships. Although we grow up and acquire tools,
responsibilities, and jobs, deep inside we are children who snap back
often. Whenever we encounter resistance or triggers, our child rears
its reactive head. We pout, whine, and complain. Adulting is a practice.
It takes years to become aware of our child and to stop pulling from
who we used to be or how we were treated.
Also our definition of “adult” changes. What we thought was "adult" a
couple of years ago may not be today. For example, me acting like an
idiot with my male friends, telling inappropriate jokes and sending
ridiculous texts. I would have labeled that immature a few years ago.
But today, I believe we need some ridiculous in our lives. It makes us
not take ourselves so seriously. It can be medicine—with the right
dosage.
At 43, I’m still leaning to adult. But here are some definitions of what I believe adulting looks like today:
1. Don’t be a jerk.
Kids are allowed to react, throw peas at the wall, and have temper
tantrums. This is part of their growth process as they learn that those
reactions won’t serve them. As an adult, you have the capacity to pause
and choose differently. Being a jerk is a choice and a reaction. If you
want to be an adult, there’s no excuse for it. Respond to people. Think
about how your words and actions will affect others as well as yourself.
Before you respond.
2. Take full responsibility for where you’re at in your life.
You can complain about your life, and some of it is totally
fair: Many of us were dealt some really lousy cards, and things have
happened to us that we had no control over. OK. But if you want to pull
yourself out of the quicksand and make some kind of dent in the world,
you have to accept where you’re at—completely. That’s the beginning of
building or rebuilding anything. And the way to do that is by taking
full responsibility for where you’re at. Own it fully in order to get
the power back. The truth is, many of us were victims. But a victim
mindset does nothing but turn us into prisoners. If you want to turn the
page, you must look at everything on it and digest it, instead of
trying to rip it out. What does taking full responsibility of your life
look like?
3. Love hard and responsibly.
You’ve been hurt. We all have. But loving from a place of hurt isn’t
loving. It’s hiding. And you will never hit the high notes of love
you’re searching for if you’re hiding. It’s tough, but love as hard as
you can. Don’t give yourself any other choice. Be fearless. Be
vulnerable. Show yourself. Put yourself out there, completely. Eyes
closed. Arms folded. Knowing he or she may not catch you. And what if
you get hurt? You probably will. But what’s the alternative? Love with fear?
What would that look like? You know. You’ve been there before. So you
have to make a choice—a difficult one that will bring you a ton of
resistance. You have to let go of control, predictions, and
expectations, and just practice love in its purest form, without fear.
You have to stop wrestling logic and ego, and stand on the ledge with a
smile, knowing that loving someone else as hard as you can will always
be more about you than anyone else.
The other half is responsibility. I’ll break it down to its simplest
form: It means to communicate. Don’t leave people in the dark. We all
know that when we sign up to love someone, we are also signing up for
possible hurt. That’s the name of the game, and there’s no way around
it. But there’s a difference between a broken heart and unnecessary hurt
from being irresponsible—or from being a coward. It takes courage to be
vulnerable and honest. It takes courage to show yourself and have tough
conversations. It takes courage to draw boundaries. It takes courage to
not make it about you. It takes courage to love responsibly.
4. Stop lying.
Yes, to others, but more importantly to yourself. Nothing
can be built without truth. Children can believe their own lies; they
live in fantasy. But if you keep lying to yourself, you will always be a
stunted child. This will keep you from everything you want, because you
will not be everything you are. You will be invisible. What is a truth
you need to swallow in your life right now, and why is it so hard to
swallow this truth? Most likely, the answer is fear. What does it mean
if you finally swallow this truth? How will it change your life? How
will it change other people’s lives?
5. Check your ego.
There is a healthy dose of ego that we all need. I’m referring here
to a state where one is ego-driven, manipulating everything to circle
around them, and finding a way to always make it about them, so they can gain and stand in the spotlight. What these people don’t know is that their ego is blocking their potential.
Along with fear, ego is the other wall that will prevent you from
becoming all you can be. Our power will always be in giving, not taking.
We all have ego, and it can swell fast. Adulting means being aware of
it and choosing to pull from a different place. Children pull from their
egos; adults pull from their hearts.
6. Call people back.
No one does this anymore. We’ve become so accustomed to texting and instant messaging that real voices bring us anxiety now.
Why call when we can just text? Technology is training us to hide
behind our phones, instead of using them for what they were originally
meant for.
If someone actually picks up the phone and calls you, you should call them back. (Unless they’re your parents. Kidding.) They want to talk
to you, not text you—or they would have just sent a text. Don’t allow
technology to create gaps and disconnect in your relationships.
Technology should be a tool to connect better, not a crowbar to separate
us. Adults call people back.
7. Take care of your own stuff.
Children make their problems other people’s problems. They don’t have
the self-awareness or the capacity to hold space for others. They
vomit. And we allow it, because they’re children. But adults do
have the capacity, even though many chose not to exercise it. If you
want to adult, you must be aware of your own perceptions, problems,
issues, and triggers, and how they affect other people, especially in
your relationships. If you don’t take care of your own stuff, boundaries
are blurred, and you will set yourself up for an adult/child dynamic
instead of adult/adult. And then don’t be surprised when you wake up one
day and your partner tells you their feelings have changed. The truth
is that the relationship dynamic shifted, which changed their feelings.
8. Be grateful.
Children just want more and more and more. Adults want different
things. Well, some adults just want more and more and more—but then,
they are not adults. Because if that’s all you want, there is no room to
practice gratitude, and adults practice gratitude.
Be grateful for everything you have, including all the chapters of
your life you want to rip out, all your expired relationships, all of
the challenges, struggles, and turbulence you face — all of that you
will get through, like you got through it before. Be grateful for all
the lessons you’ve learned and how they have transformed you into a
better version of yourself. Be grateful for all of your relationships,
even if they can be challenging sometimes. Be grateful that you have
choices. Be grateful that you can choose to be an adult.
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