“Where were you?” your partner asks when you answer the phone. You
notice you already have 3 missed calls—several minutes apart. Unless
you failed to show up for an important engagement or had a reservation
to be on a plane that disappeared from the radar, this is a bright red
flag.
Of course, it might turn out to be nothing to worry about. Perhaps you are merely dating
someone who is overly concerned about you. Yet if you are experiencing
a consistent, steady stream of check up calls, it is time to add
context to content. Consider both tenor and tone of questioning, for
example. Inquiries about your whereabouts and the company you keep that
sound and feel like a police interrogation are not consistent with a
healthy relationship.
Yet some partners misperceive the intention as well as the
significance of such questioning, as well as the controlling behaviors
that often accompany such attempts at supervision. “Oh, he just worries
about me,” you might have a friend explain after listening to her end
of what sounded like an uncomfortable exchange involving questions about
why she was out so late. “He is just showing that he cares,” is
another possible misinterpretation of domineering behavior.
The danger, is that research reveals that jealousy is linked to harmful behaviors beyond just words.
Romanticizing Jealousy, Power, and Control
A study by Leanna Papp et al. entitled “The Dark Side of Heterosexual
Romance: Endorsement of Romantic Beliefs Relates to Intimate Partner
Violence” (2017) found that romantic beliefs were related to the
romanticization of controlling behaviors, which were linked to intimate
partner violence.[i]
The authors began by recognizing that many people view jealousy in a
positive light, as a sign of love and commitment. They note that media
portrayals of love often includes jealousy, violence, and control, and
speculate that such depictions of “violent romance” might cause some
women to confuse love and intimacy with controlling behaviors.
Citing prior research examining harmful relational scripts, they note
that some young women believe that when a man tells a woman how to
dress or how to behave, it means that he cares about her, and that
terminology such as “protector” and “ownership” convey dedication, and
intimacy.
275 heterosexual women participated in the study, with an average age
of approximately 30 years old. Results found that having romantic
beliefs—which included endorsing romanticism, placing a high value on romantic relationships, and viewing jealousy as a positive trait
were linked with the view that controlling mate-retention behaviors was
romantic—a view that was in turn linked with the experience of physical
and psychological abuse.
Although the authors note that romantic beliefs alone were not
predictive of violence within relationships, they were linked to viewing
controlling behaviors as romantic—which was related to relationship
violence.
Papp et al. also found that placing high value on romantic
relationships was linked with romanticizing mate-retention behaviors.
They note that women who view themselves as incomplete without a man
might view any sign of commitment as positive, even if such commitment
is demonstrated through controlling behavior.
article continues after advertisement
Jealousy as a Relational Risk Factor
Romanticizing jealousy was also linked with romanticizing
mate-retention behaviors, and indirectly linked with reports of physical
and psychological abuse. They note that jealousy related violence is
more likely to be tolerated or viewed as a sign of love than violence
without a jealousy component. Significantly, they note that although
previous research has linked jealousy to intimate partner violence,
their study is the first to reveal “pro-jealousy attitudes” as a risk
factor.
They speculate that associating jealousy with romance might cause
people to seek out jealous partners, and exhibit jealousy themselves.
Weathering the Storm of Suspicion
Healthy relationships require both effort and attention. Spotting
problems sooner rather than later allows couples to address issues of
concern, and move forward. If you wait too long to identify harmful
behavior, you run the risk of losing objectivity, as you trade in your
reading glasses for rose colored glasses, and red flags become
pleasantly obscured.
Despite the temptation to rationalize your partner´s behavior as you
weather the storm of suspicion, eventually, jealousy will jeopardize
your relationship. Instead, the two of you can face and tackle the
issues, whether they involve insecurity, paranoia, or emotional wounds inflicted during past relationships, as a team.
Because jealousy is a risk factor indicating trouble down the road,
flagging the issue early on will allow you and your partner to work
together in pursuit of a healthy, trusting partnership.
No comments:
Post a Comment