Most of us hesitate to voice dissatisfaction in our relationship as
things can easily go wrong when we bring up a complaint. Whether the
conversation escalates into an argument or our partner counters with
complaints of their own, we rarely get the result we want.
We tend to think this happens because our partner gets too defensive
or they have a temper or they can’t take responsibility. And while that
might be true in some cases, the bigger reason complaints typically go
awry is very few of us know how to voice them productively.
The good news is there is a simple 3 step formula that can help us complain effectively which I call The Complaint Sandwich.
The first slice of bread in the sandwich is the ear-opener. The "meat"
of the sandwich is our actual complaint, and the second slice of bread
is The Digestive. Let’s use an example of a common relationship
complaint—your partner spends too much time on their phone—and break
down how to use these three components.
1. The Ear Opener.
To our partner, our complaint
will always sound like an attack—because it is. After all, we are
calling them on something they did wrong. In order to lower their
defensiveness and open their ears to the complaint to come we need to
start with a positive statement. For example, we might say, “We both
have stressful days and I really enjoy spending time together in the
evening once we both feel more relaxed.”
2. The Meat. Once we opened our partner’s ears with a
positive statement, we need to get our message across as simply and as
clearly as possible. Our goal here is for them to "get it," not to prove
our case in a court of law using numerous pieces of evidence and
powerful opening and closing statements. Doing that will only overwhelm
our partner and make them angry or shut down.
In other words, the "meat" of the Complaint Sandwich should be as
lean as possible. We should focus only on a single incident or
principle, state what happened as simply and with as neutral a tone as
possible and explain why it was problematic as briefly as possible. For
example, we might say, “I know the phone helps you unwind but you
sometimes check it constantly which is really disruptive and leaves me
feeling shut out and resentful.”
3. The Digestive. Once we voiced our actual
complaint we need to state our "ask"—what it is we actually want. This,
of course, requires us to do some thinking before we voice our
complaint because we need to be very clear about why we’re voicing this
complaint in the first place. Do we want an apology? Do we want them to
make up for things in some way and if so, how? Are we just bringing
something to their attention so they do not do it again? Are we asking
them to change their behavior going forward and if so, in what specific
way?
When we voice our request to our partner we have to add a positive
statement that conveys all will be well between us if they do what we
ask as doing so provides a strong incentive for them to comply with our
request—it makes it easier for them to "digest" our complaint
sandwich. We might say, “I would like for us to agree to put away our
phones when we’re having dinner or when we’ve agreed to do a movie night
or date night. Doing that would make me feel so much better as it would
feel like having real quality time together.”
The Complaint Sandwich is a formula that can maximize our chances of
getting what we want but it does require thought and planning. So, make
sure you take the time to think through what you plan to say and make
sure you find a suitable time to have the discussion (i.e., not when
you’re rushing to get out of the house in the morning). If you do get
the result you want to be gracious and express appreciation. A simple
“Thank you” will usually do.
By Guy Winch Ph.D.
The Squeaky Wheel
No comments:
Post a Comment