Hear us out.
That’s
probably the first emotion you feel after learning you’ve been cheated
on. Likely closely followed by hurt, pain, sadness, and a host of other
unsavory emotions. In a long-term, monogamous relationship, cheating is the ultimate betrayal. It’s a breach of trust and for many, a major bump in the road to a healthy, successful relationship.
Despite
the negative feelings many people have towards cheating, it happens
more often than not. Thanks to an extensive survey we conducted with Ashley Madison,
we found out that a whopping 64 percent of people have been cheated on
at some point. 64 percent! That’s a whole lot of people left questioning
whether or not they should pick up the pieces of their relationship
while wondering why people cheat.
Which is, of course, the important question: why do people cheat?
Whether you ask friends or search the internet, opinions on the subject
abound and vary greatly. The answer, however, is simple. And alarmingly
counterintuitive, considering the heartbreak you feel after being
cheated on.
The answer, then? If someone cheats on you, it’s because they love you.
I know. That sounds so, so wrong. But the longer you sit and think about it, the more it makes sense — so hear us out.
In 2017, sociologist Alice M. Walker released Secret Life of the Cheating Wife, a look into the lives of women who joined Ashley Madison to have an affair.
She found that, for most of the women she interviewed, cheating was the
last resort in their “sexless, orgasm-less” relationships.
“They
tried everything that they could think of to cause a change: begging,
pleading, inviting their husbands to therapy,” Walker said in an
interview. “and nothing had changed.”
While it may be easy to label cheaters as heartless,
cheaters are fully aware of how hurtful their extramarital actions are
and often express their guilt. However, many times they see it as the
only way to salvage their relationships.
“Either they had to
outsource the sexual aspect of their marriage or they were going to have
to leave. They’re literally cheating to stay in those marriages,”
explained Walker.
Read that again: women cheat so that they can stay in their relationships.
While that probably goes against everything you’ve ever heard, read,
or felt first-hand, our survey shows that many people agree. We asked
people to describe their understanding of why people cheat rather than
break up their relationship. Opinions varied somewhat, but the top
answer from both men and women was the same: 49 percent of men and 35
percent of women believe that people cheat because they love their
partner, but are looking for more sexual or emotional fulfillment.
Cheating
doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you or respect you anymore. In
fact, it’s quite the contrary. If your partner cheats on you, it’s
because they’re doing everything they can to keep the relationship
intact while still fulfilling their needs (because everyone has needs,
both emotional and sexual). As Walker found in her research, women who
cheat “love their husbands, they have good marriages otherwise, and they
want their children to grow up with their father. They don’t want to
hurt anyone but they simply could not continue to go on without getting
those needs met.”
Of course, it’s not just women that cheat.
Yourtango
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