Emotional intimacy
can be understood as a state of closeness between two people resulting
from a process of interaction through which they feel able to share
increasingly sensitive and significant aspects of themselves that they
normally keep hidden, in some cases, even from themselves.
It begins with one person taking a risk by disclosing a private,
personal, and emotionally charged thought, feeling,
or biographical
detail that leaves him or her exposed and vulnerable, in the hope or
expectation of a supportive response, which, if forthcoming, encourages
further self-disclosure from both parties. This process is largely
dependent on trust, which, in the absence of a strong pull factor such
as mutual physical attraction, can take years to build.
Intimate discourse need not be verbal, and can also take the form of
emotional expressions, meaningful glances, sustained eye contact,
physical proximity, touch, and such like. Emotional intimacy can lead to
physical intimacy, and, albeit less commonly, physical intimacy to
emotional intimacy. As a result, the two are sometimes confused.
Historically, human beings lived in large families in tightknit
communities that provided for all kinds of intimacy. But today, many
people rely on just one person, usually their romantic partner, for all
their intimacy needs, reinforcing the notion that one cannot have
emotional intimacy without physical intimacy, or that they are one and
the same thing. Intimacy exists on a spectrum, and in different shapes
and forms: it is possible to create some degree of intimacy in all our
relationships, even the most formal or fleeting ones, and it may be that
our most intimate relationship is not with our spouse or sexual
partner.
Compared to men, women are much better at creating intimacy, meaning
that a woman’s most intimate relationship is often with a same-sex
friend. In general, men guard their privacy more closely than women.
They are more reluctant to self-disclose, especially to other men.
Interestingly, this is not, or not as much, the case for men from
non-Western societies, suggesting that the problem has more to do with
culture than with any biological differences between men and women. In
the West, men are taught to associate emotions, emotional sharing, and
emotional warmth with effeminacy and homosexuality; and to value macho
traits such as assertiveness, autonomy, and resilience
which conflict with naked self-disclosure. As a result, men prefer to
reveal themselves in fits and starts, usually under the cover of some
other activity such as drinking or sports.
This is a great loss for the male sex. Intimacy can feel like a bubble
of bliss in which, at last, we are able to be ourselves, and, more than
that, affirmed in ourselves. Tapping into the perspective, experience,
skills, and resources of another person broadens our horizons and
increases our possibilities. Their unconditional support makes us feel
stronger and more secure. Their interest and participation in the
minutiae of our experience seems to enrich it, lending texture and
substance to our otherwise mundane, almost mechanical lives.
Unsurprisingly, people who report having one or more intimate
relationships tend to be happier and healthier, and intimacy is an
important predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction.
Given its promise, the ability to create and sustain intimacy is central
to a certain kind of flourishing life. Deep intimacy depends upon
healthy self-esteem,
to tolerate the vulnerability that comes from the self-disclosure of
emotionally charged material. It also calls for courage and curiosity
and a fair amount of self-knowledge, with many avenues for further
intimacy sealed off by not knowing what one thinks or feels, and, more
to the point, not wanting to find out. It is, of course, not just about
scrutinizing ourselves but also about reading the other, reaching beyond
their words to arrive at their true meaning and adapting our every
interaction so that it accords with their, and our own, perspectives,
dispositions, and sensitivities.
Intimacy involves both give and take, often at the same time within the same interaction; and people who are narcissistic or otherwise self-obsessed should take care not to confuse friendship
with an onslaught of one-sided ‘self-disclosure’. Intimacy cannot be
imposed upon people. Nor can it be forced out of them, for example, by
probing too soon or too directly into their deepest secrets. It has to
come naturally, gradually, at its own pace, if it is not to undermine
the very trust upon which it is built. It can take a long time to start
seeing someone for the person that they truly are, rather than as an
object or instrument in our world. It is impossible to trust someone who
seems to be coming at us with an agenda of their own and scant regard
for our needs, sensibilities, and particularities. Modern dating, which
is mostly about instant gratification, and largely depends upon matching
a certain profile or stereotype, can leave us feeling like little more than a hologram, or else a lump of flesh at the meat market.
Once achieved, intimacy isn’t necessarily the sinecure that we might
have hoped for, particularly if the affection that follows in its train
has acquired the existential flavour which people generally call love.
Inevitably, life follows its course, with competing priorities and
attachments taking their toll on the relationship. Having poured so much
of ourselves into the other, we become painfully sensitive to the
slightest sign of disdain or indifference on their part, which we
interpret as a loss of their goodwill and, more than that, an indictment
of the person that we are—and which they know so well. Our natural
reaction is then to snipe back or pull up the drawbridge, further
undermining the connection that took so long to establish. Later, we may
change tack and tighten our grip, and, suddenly, like a bar of soap,
our relationship slips out between our fingers. On both sides, affection
turns into anger, trust into resentment, and friendship into enmity.
What we forgot is that intimacy has a life of its own, that it cannot
be forced or imposed, and that, sometimes, the best way to save a
relationship is to step back before it is too late.
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