“There is love, of course. And then there's life, its enemy.” Jean Anouilh
“The fact that you breathe doesn't mean you're alive.” Advertisement for Alfa Romeo
Romantic love is a many splendored thing. It does not merely add
sweet tastes to our life, but it also contributes a greatly to our health
and flourishing. It does not merely let us breathe, but makes us alive.
A life without love is a miserable life. However, not everything is
glowing in the romantic kingdom. Romantic relationships
dos not float freely in the air; they take place in the midst of the
unpleasant constraints imposed by the circumstances of our lives.
Adapting to these circumstances sometimes requires compromises when
choosing our long-term partner.
Is love all we need?
Romantic love is not all we need in life. We need much more, and in
particular, we need to maintain our personal flourishing (which also
includes self-fulfillment).
For love to flourish and endure, our living framework should
typically function in a satisfactory manner. When romantic love thrives,
it can enhance the flourishing of our life. In other circumstances, the
needs of love and life can conflict and we have to compromise by
settling for situations that might not completely fulfill our ideals but
are relatively close to them, or at least the closest we can get in the
given circumstances.
The decision of whether to give preference to love or to life is
usually not straightforward; typically, it involves many considerations,
each of which carries different weight. Such a decision takes place on a
continuum between two extreme ends: sacrificing life for love (as when
committing suicide
in unrequited love), or sacrificing love for life (as in the case of
marrying a rich, old person, and when the relationships are loveless, or
even hostile). Most cases fall between these extremes; the precise
location on the continuum is determined by the strength of the love, the
nature and extent of the demands of life, and the degree of the
conflict between them.
The conflict between romantic love and life increases when intense
desire is perceived as the core of romantic love. Such desire is
essentially brief and decreases with time. Life, on the other hand,
endures much longer. A lover cannot be blind to life, and love does not
always win. In any case, love cannot replace life. In the struggle
between love and life, love almost always loses, especially when it is
based upon intense desire. In the long run, maintaining and enhancing
love is made possible by nurturing the connection between the lovers and
ensuring that each can flourish. In such circumstances, the ties to the
living framework are augmented.
The importance of life in love
Love is a significant aspect in a flourishing life; hence, it should
not be neglected. However, a flourishing life is also is part of
profound love. Many people will not stay in a romantic relationship that
inhibits their personal flourishing. Romantic intensity is not always
part of romantic profundity. Princess Diana once remarked, “They say it
is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a
compromise like moderately rich and just moody?” Similarly, one might
claim that it is better to be poor in love than rich without love, but
how about a compromise like being moderately rich and just loving
(rather being madly in love with) each other?
Compromises can be characterized as involving the dissatisfied
acceptance of a gap between a perceived feasible desire and our actual
situation. In romantic compromises, we give up a romantic value, such as
great passionate love, in exchange for a non-romantic value, like the
wish to live comfortably without financial worries. In such compromises,
we are in a situation that we have chosen, but one that we would prefer
was different. Our choice stems from the fact that we are limited
creatures; we cannot always meet our norms or achieve our ideals, and in
order to survive we sometimes have to settle for something less than we
might want.
The prevailing romantic ideology is essentially mistaken in always
preferring love over life on the basis of “love always wins” and “love
always finds a way” (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008). Life might not
be the greatest enemy of love, but it often involves considerations that
conflict with or oppose the romantic ones. To admit that in some
circumstances life should take precedence over love is to admit the
necessity of romantic compromises. As Soren Kierkegaard rightly said,
“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced”;
it is a reality to take into account.
Overcoming complex hurdles
The romantic road requires us to overcome a variety of complex
hurdles, but it will provide an interesting, meaningful, and often
enjoyable journey. Coping with the complexity of romantic love is by no
means simple: sometimes we need to open our eyes and sometimes to close
them; sometimes we have to remember and sometime we need to forget. As
Ingrid Bergman noted, "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." Since in our current romantic environment
“better” love is always in the air, relinquishing a romantic
opportunity and considering your present romantic situation to be good
enough is extremely difficult.
We are condemned to keep yearning for a constant star, while
realizing that sometimes the heart needs steering. Setting one's mind at
rest, while maintaining some kind of striving, is often, though not
always, an optimal solution to the conflict between love and life.
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