The first time I went apartment hunting with a partner, I was sick with indecision.
I’d been excited by the prospect when we first discussed it, so the
nervous welling in my eyes between viewings was confusing and annoying.
I confessed my nervousness, thereby infecting him with it too. I’m
embarrassed to admit we both forgot all about it when we saw the
apartment of our dreams, all French doors and shiny wood floors. We
moved in two weeks later and embarked on a journey that kept us together
for another three fun years.
I don’t regret the decision, but I
do wonder how things might have turned out had I been more critical of
that swirly feeling in my gut — had I just paused to give myself a
second to observe it, poke it and question whether we ought to spend one
more year living apart, just to see. But I was young, 23, and wasn’t
yet comfortable voicing that kind of thing honestly. I was too afraid of
hurting him or our relationship.
I remember him picking up a book half a year after we moved into that first apartment called The Defining Decade
by Dr. Meg Jay. He told me about the chapter on cohabitating and how
couples often fail to make the decision thoughtfully and face difficult
situations as a result. I’m not sure whether I saw myself in those words
at the time, but looking back, I certainly do. So now that I’m a little
older and more of my peers (including myself) are approaching this
decision, I decided to reach out to Jay directly and ask her for the
highlights: What do most couples not think enough about, and what
questions should they really ask before moving in together?
Jay is a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of education at the University of Virginia. After The Defining Decade sold 250,000 copies, she gave a TED Talk called “Why 30 is not the new 20,” which has been viewed almost 10 million times. She also has a new book out called SUPERNORMAL: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience. Here’s what she has to say about moving in.
Three common mistakes:
Making the decision based on convenience
Jay
says one of the most frequent missteps couples make is deciding to move
in for reasons of convenience, like the opportunity to split rent or
see each other more easily. “I suggest making moving in with someone a
highly intentional choice,” says Jay, “one in which you are honest with
your partner — and with yourself — about what you are hoping to gain or
learn. Moving in tends to end poorly when it is driven by convenience or
budgeting rather than by shared intentions.”
Doing it as a litmus test for relationship longevity
Jay says some people use moving in as a way to test their
relationship before getting married, but that’s not necessarily a
fail-safe approach. For one, “if moving in [before marriage] protected
all couples from marrying poorly, this would be an easy thing to
prove…and divorce could just become a thing of the past. But research
shows that much of it depends on how and why people move in together,
and then how and why they proceed to marriage or partnership.”
She cites a term used by psychologist Dr. Scott Stanley called “sliding versus deciding.” In other words, says Jay: “Will you and your partner decide to live together or will you slide
into it? Because, hey, you’re sleeping over there most nights anyway,
and it is cheaper and easier.” In the same way it’d be unwise to “slide”
into marriage rather than make the commitment thoughtfully and with
purpose, Jay says the same intentionality should be applied to moving in
together.
Assuming moving in isn’t a big commitment
Jay
says people often make mistake #2 because they’ve already made mistake
#3 by assuming moving in isn’t a big deal, so why not try it out? You
can always break the lease! But Jay points out a principle in behavior
economics called “lock-in,” which explains why pivoting isn’t as easy as
people might think. “Lock-in basically means that once you commit to
someone or something, it is easier to stay together than to incur the
‘switching costs’ of breaking up,” explains Jay. “I cannot count the
number of times I have heard someone say that their not-so-great
relationship lasted years longer than it should have because they lived
together.”
Questions to help you avoid them:
So:
How can we better protect ourselves from making these mistakes? “If we
are intentional about how we approach life and love…we usually
experience more happiness and fewer regrets,” says Jay. Below are three
ways you can do that. That said, says Jay, “it is important to remember
that no set of questions can protect us from the uncertainties of life
or from the challenges of long-term relationships.”
“What are five ways this decision benefits me or the relationship and five ways this decision worries me?”
“Couples
should make one version of this list they will share with their partner
and one version of this list they won’t need to share,” says Jay. “Pay
attention to whether your lists match up, whether you’re being honest
with your partner and with yourself about your real hopes and fears.”
“What is our timeline for regular check-ins about whether this is
really working or whether we are staying together due to ‘lock-in.’ Once
a month? Twice a year?”
Jay says these kinds of check-ins
are important “so couples can be intentional not only about their
decision to get together but about their decision to stay together.” In
other words: How can they continually decide instead of slide?
“If I did not live with this person, would I want to stay together or would I want to look elsewhere?”
This
is one that both of you should regularly and privately ask yourselves,
recommends Jay. “This is a gut check you are better off doing before
marriage or a commitment ceremony.”
Finally, and more broadly, Jay suggests trying your best to be
realistic about what cohabitation means and stay clued in to how things
are going if and when you’ve taken the plunge. This kind of
intentionality and thoughtfulness can make moving in a worthwhile
decision. “Figure out how you’re going to share the cooking and
cleaning, pay attention to what happens to your sex life, see how the
weekends and vacations go. What you see is what you get (and it is what
you’re going to keep getting for years to come).”
Are you thinking of moving in with a partner? Did you already? Curious to know if you’ve asked these questions or wish you did.
Collages by Adriana Gallo.
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