All relationships go
through rocky patches, and it's understandable for you to want it to
work out regardless of how bad things have become. But this means it can
be hard to recognise when a relationship is failing and when you should let go.
So, what are the signs of a dead-end relationship? We asked the experts for practical tips to guide you through.
Sign 1: Lack of respect
Respect plays a vital role in a relationship because it shows that each person understands the other
and doesn't charge through boundaries. If one of you constantly
belittles or questions what the other says and does, then "a boundary
violation is occurring," warns Annie Bennett, psychotherapist and author
of The Love Trap.
What to do
- Tell your partner how their actions are making you feel.
- Suggest you both limit teasing, listen more actively and be more positive towards each other.
- If your partner doesn't see a problem, you're at a dead end.
Sign 2: No time for each other
Channelling much of your free time into something that's not connected
to your partner is a sign you've lost interest in your relationship. No
partnership can survive without a time investment from both sides. Annie
says:
Distractions could include anything from hobbies and sport to computer games.
What to do
- Set aside time for each other every day. Do this in a clear and structured way.
- It may not be spontaneous, but having a plan and sticking to it shows you want to work things out.
- If you or your partner won't commit the time, it's a sign that you're at a stalemate.
Sign 3: Incompatible goals
You want more children, he doesn't. He wants marriage, you don't.
You'd like to live abroad, he wants to stay put. Incompatible goals in a
relationship can be as vast as these or as small as one of you wanting
to spend more time together and your partner wanting more space.
In some cases, having mismatched goals is a sign you need to be more open with each other
and improving communication can be enough to put things back on track.
In other situations, they are a sign of problems that cannot be
overcome.
Ultimately, it comes down to whether you can find a middle ground that you're both happy with.
What to do
Relationship counsellor Tracey Williams says:
If you do find a compromise, make sure you're both behind it 100%.
Otherwise, a blame game will start further down the line that will bring
your relationship to an end.
Sign 4: Boredom reigns
You're fed up, you have nothing to say to each other and have fallen
into a routine worthy of a couple who have been together forty years or
more. Tracey advises:
What to do
"Stuck in a rut means changes need to be made," says Annie. Think about finding new interests or challenges together.
If you or your partner are not interested in making changes, this is a sign that your relationship may have run its course.
Sign 5: Bickering and fighting
Constant petty bickering tends to be a habit couples fall into to avoid larger, more painful issue, says Tracey.
Angry and abusive fights show that consideration and thoughtfulness have disappeared from your relationship.
What to do
"If your relationship has become abusive, it's time to call it a day," says Annie. For constant bickerers, take a break from the fighting by calling a truce and see if you can stick to it for a week.
No
desire to call a ceasefire? Then you're at a dead end and it's unlikely
the relationship can be saved. Alternatively, you may want to consider couples therapy.
Being single again: Eight coping strategies
- Grieve for what you have lost. Ending a relationship is a loss that needs to be worked through, even if being together made you unhappy. Often, we are encouraged to 'forget them and move on', but this will only keep your ex firmly on your mind.
- Seize the advantages of being single. As a single person, you have total control over what you do and where you go in your life. Start making plans to take advantage of your new freedom.
- Mobilise your support system. Being with friends and family allows you to vent your emotions as you sort through your life. They can also help you see how much you are loved and needed in your own right.
- Reinvent yourself. Get a haircut, change your look or take up something you've always fancied. Just don't do anything rash that you may later regret, such as leaving your job.
- Sort out your financial affairs. Breaking up can be stressful from a financial point of view. You may be left paying the rent or mortgage, or have to find a new place to live. If you're finding things a stretch, get some professional financial advice.
- Accept you'll have down times. Don't expect everything to be fine and dandy. Prepare yourself for some lonely moments, but remind yourself that they will pass and you will be happy again.
- Set goals. One of the worst things about ending a relationship is seeing your future as a blank slate that was once filled with potential. Set new goals, be they work ones, travel ones or ones that broaden your life.
- Let yourself be happy. Single life may not be your ideal, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Say yes to invites, make plans for your social life and work on finding a new way of living that pushes you out of your comfort zone now and again.
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