Both being sexy and being beautiful enhance romantic attraction. Which one is more dominant? And which one is more positively received? The answer is not obvious.
YouTube : Photo |
Being beautiful and being sexy
“Pardon the way that I stare,/There's nothing
else to compare,/The sight of you leaves me weak,/There are no words
left to speak.” —Frankie Valli
“There is definitely something sexy about a girl with an attitude and a pair of leather pants.” —Eliza Dushku
Beauty is characterized as pleasing the aesthetic senses, especially
the sight; sexy is defined as causing feelings of sexual excitement. A
colleague of mine once characterized beautiful people by saying that
they are individuals who, when you walk past them in the street, you
stop walking, say wow, and look back at them. Their beauty necessitates a
second glance, forcing you to stop and pay attention to it. As the
common expression goes, “I could not take my eyes off you, you are so
beautiful.”
Being sexy is more associated with the interaction; being beautiful
is more relevant to what the person is, regardless of joint interactions
with someone else. The perceiver’s attitude and the possible
interactions are very important. Being described as sexy can be
flattering, if you are attracted to the person saying it; if not, it can
be perceived as an insult.
Beautiful, which has a broader meaning than sexy, is perceived as
flattering if it refers not merely to physical appearance, but also has a
broader meaning, indicating a kind of beauty in the inside. Telling a
woman she is sexy often refers to brief interactions; she is the woman
you want to spend the night with. Beautiful is broader and can indicate a
more serious attitude; she is the woman you may consider marrying.
Beauty is deeper than sex (or lust). Sexy is often associated with being
“hot,” that is, the heat is felt by the perceiver. Being beautiful can
be associated with being “cold,” which implies some distance from the
perceiver.
Sexual attraction goes further than just staring — it attracts the
agent to act as well. Sexual desire increases your action readiness and
pushes you toward actual joint interactions. In this sense, sexy is
indeed more conducive for initiating a romantic bond. People are more
likely to approach a sexy person than a beautiful one. Being sexy is
seen as a kind of invitation, while beauty imposes some distance.
Indeed, Roger Scruton argues that “Beauty comes from setting human
life, sex included, at the distance from which it can be viewed without
disgust or prurience.” He further suggests that “our attitude towards
beautiful individuals sets them apart from ordinary desires and
interests, in the way that sacred things are set apart — as things that
can be touched and used only when all the formalities are addressed and
completed” (2011: 164, 57).
Although sexuality
is limited to the romantic realm, being sexy depends upon having other
positive characteristics. Thus, it has been claimed that confidence, honesty, talent, brightness, and good manners are very sexy. This is in accordance with the “personality halo,” in which because of high praiseworthy qualities, such as wisdom,
caring, kindness, and social status, the person is perceived to be more
appealing (Ben-Ze'ev, 2000: 406-413). Indeed, a survey of hundreds of
Italian women indicates that two-thirds found greater sexual
satisfaction with "powerful men in socially respected positions" —
bosses are perceived to be better in bed.
Notwithstanding the above considerations, beautiful is still broader
than sexy. Beauty can be attributed, and not merely related, to many
realms. Thus, we speak about a beautiful personality and landscape, and
not about a sexy personality or landscape. Judgments of beauty are also
more consensual; evaluating a person's degree of sexiness depends more
on personal and cultural differences. Because of the greater
universality of beauty and its broader and greater value, most people
would prefer to be assessed as beautiful rather than merely sexy.
However, when restricted to the romantic realm, sexiness has a greater
chance of forging an initial romantic connection.
An example from Amsterdam’s Red Light District
“Everyone wants to be sexy.” —Brad Goreski
People who consider themselves superior to you are very likely to
believe that they are entitled to invest less in creating and enhancing
the romantic connection, and that they deserve a privileged status in
the relationship; accordingly, they might not be good partners. To give
one example, when I once walked (with my family) in Amsterdam’s Red
Light District, I noticed that one average-looking woman was attracting
more customers than her beautiful neighbor. I have explained this in
light of the suitability and deservingness aspects of the erotic
connection. The beautiful woman, like other beautiful people, believes
that she deserves more from those whom she is with. Hence, she is likely
to invest less in the relationship, believing that her partner should
compensate her for being with an inferior person. The men I observed in
Amsterdam’s Red Light District chose the less beautiful woman, as they
assumed that she would invest more effort in pleasing them.
Thirst, sexual desire, and romantic love
“One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy.” —Scarlett Johansson
Roger Scruton compares the desire to drink a glass of water and
sexual desire. He argues that in the first case, there is no particular
glass of water that you want — any glass of water would do; and after
you drink the water, your desire is satisfied, and belongs in the past.
Scruton claims that this is the normal nature
of our sensuous desires: They are indeterminate, directed to a specific
action, satisfied by that action, and brought to an end by it (2011:
44).
Scruton believes that sexual desire is completely different from
those desires. Although I agree that sexual desire is different from the
desire to drink water, I would still argue that while profound romantic
love is indeed completely different from our sensuous desires, sexual
desire is in between thirst and love. Scruton suggests that sexual
desire is determinate: There is a particular person that you want;
people are not interchangeable as objects of desire, even if they are
equally attractive; and each desire is specific to its object, since it
is a desire for that person as the individual that he or she is (2011:
44).
I believe that Scruton’s claims are adequate concerning profound
romantic love, which is indeed about a particular person; the beloved is
not interchangeable, and the loving attitude is specific to the
beloved. However, sexual desire is different — being between thirst and
romantic love. Sexual desire is discriminative in a way that thirst is
not, but not in the way that love is. It is not merely that you can
satisfy your sexual desire by replacing it with another person, but such
a replacement usually increases sexual desire. The objects of sexual
desire are not as indifferent to the vessel as drinking
water is, but still there are many people who can satisfy this desire.
Sexual desire is directed toward a certain person, but typically due to
the novelty of the partner, rather than any particular characteristics.
The impact of time on being beautiful and sexy
“I'm slightly in love with Scarlett Johansson:
she's just stunning. And she's bright, which is incredibly sexy.”
—Daniel Radcliffe
As long-term love is an ongoing experience, other types of activities
are necessary to encourage and enhance the relationship. A crucial kind
of attraction in this regard is yearning to be with each other. Such
yearning makes you think about the beloved, even when they are not with
you. This kind of attraction is the most fundamental in profound love.
The first impressions
generated by the attraction to beauty, and then by sexual desire, are
not sufficient for maintaining this attraction, as both decrease with
time; in this sense, their value is more superficial than the desire to
be together. Time is a thief, not only of beauty, but also of sexual
desire. Consequently, we should focus on the more profound aspects,
which are so relevant for lasting love.
For illustrating this point, consider the following dialogue from the movie, Elegy:
George O'Hearn: Beautiful women are invisible.
David Kepesh: Invisible? What the
hell does that mean? Invisible? They jump out at you. A beautiful
woman, she stands out. She stands apart. You can't miss her.
George O'Hearn: But we never
actually see the person. We see the beautiful shell. We're blocked by
the beauty barrier. Yeah, we're so dazzled by the outside that we never
make it inside.
Beauty is a marvelous asset in romantic relationship; however, if it
is not supplemented by the desire for sexual, and other, joint
activities, it will be of little romantic value and remain merely in the
aesthetic realm. The most crucial step for lasting, loving
relationships is developing the attraction from merely the desire to
have sex with your partner to the general desire to be with the partner
for a significant duration.
Concluding remarks
“I think there's something incredibly sexy about a woman wearing her boyfriend's T-shirt and underwear.” —Calvin Klein
Do you wish to be regarded as beautiful or sexy? Most people would
say both. However if we must choose, it seems that since beautiful is
broader and deeper than sexy, this will be the choice of most people.
This could be the case in many circumstances, but not in all of them. In
addition to personal and contextual circumstances that influence our
choice, other relevant factors include the following: (1) the broad or
narrow usage of the terms, (2) the stage of the relationship, and (3)
your attitude toward the person expressing the compliments.
If the usage of the term “beautiful” were limited to physical
appearance, many people would prefer to be regarded as sexy, thereby
increasing the probability of more dynamic and warm interactions.
Similarly, at the initial stage of the relation, when the joint
activities are most crucial for creating the romantic bond, being
regarded as sexy would often be preferred. If you do not find the other
person attractive, you probably would not enjoy the interactions; hence,
being described as sexy might even be offensive.
Understanding that sexiness stems from our behaviors allows for the possibility of making sexual desire more intense, which is valuable in romantic relationships.
Improving beauty is typically not a real option. Being sexy is not
fixing yourself; to be sexy is just to adopt a more involved and warm
behavior.
It may, then, be the case that Justin Timberlake was onto something in declaring, “I’m bringing sexy back (link is external).”
Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. His books include In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims.
No comments:
Post a Comment