Most people would agree that being authentic and transparent
interactions with one’s intimate partner is essential to a successful
long-term relationship. Many of my own patients have expressed how much
they value honesty and authenticity in their partnerships.
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Their comments consistently support those beliefs:
“If you love and respect the person you love the most in the world,
shouldn’t you automatically want to know what makes each of you think
and behave the way you do?”
“You can’t really expect to have a truly intimate relationship if you
withhold your true feelings or needs from the person you care most
about.”
“If you hide stuff from each other, how can you know what is going
on, or resolve problems? It’s so much better not to find out later what
you might have been able to fix if you knew about it earlier.”
“Isn’t it always better to try to work out things between you and
your partner rather than trying to figure them out by yourself?”
As a relationship therapist and communication specialist for over
four decades, I have helped many couples learn how to openly express
their inner thoughts and feelings to each other. I’ve also written
multiple articles touting the importance of being honest and open and
how the sharing of those behaviors often defines the core quality of a
love relationship.
But many of my patients in apparently successful relationships have
challenged me as to the absoluteness of those teachings. They have asked
me if totally honest and unfiltered responses in all situations are
always the best reactions
After many years of self-examination, I must respond that the answer
is a carefully qualified, “not always.” Exempting ever using intentional
dishonesty to intentionally cheat or betray the other, there is a grey
area in every intimate relationship where total honesty and diplomacy
conflict or overlap.
All intimate partners have their own unique reasons why, when, and
how much they choose to share with one another or what to withhold. They
may worry that the price of sharing certain thoughts and feelings would
be too high to pay as a self-protective and self-serving reason. Or,
feeling compassion for their partners, they may hold withhold them to
express something that would only hurt or anger, feeling that non-disclosure is a kinder action.
Here are some of the more common reasons how and why people make
those decisions at the time they do. Please explore them with your
partner. If you can listen to what drives your partner to be transparent
or to withhold his or her experiences from you, you might be able to
help one another feel more secure in changing some of those patterns in
the future.
When you are processing this together, do not ask what thoughts or
feelings have been withheld, or why. You must first understand what
there is about the other that drives each of you to withhold what you
do.
Secret Versus Private Thoughts
All people have internal feelings and thoughts that they keep to
themselves. Whether they had been suppressed by early caretakers,
experienced rejections, or otherwise lost potential opportunities by
sharing too much, they have not had good experiences when they’ve been
totally honest.
When you enter any intimate relationship, it is natural that you will
automatically hold back some things about yourself that you yet don’t
trust to share. It is up to every individual what he or she feels they
can say about themselves at any stage of an intimate relationship.
Problems do arise if those experiences, for whatever reason, become
exposed later on in the relationship. If your partner continued the
relationship under false pretenses, he or she may wonder whatever else
you are still hiding. .
My patients have shared many of those feelings with me over the years:
“I just thought it best to leave it buried. There’s no chance it will come up, so why take a risk?”
“I don’t act the way I did so far back and the guy I’m dating
would probably not knowing that part of me. If it does come out in any
way, I’ve got a story that would hopefully minimize the impact.”
“My mom cheated a lot on my dad and my boyfriend’s last two
girlfriends cheated on him. I’m afraid that he’ll lose trust in me if he
knows the kind of mom who raised me.”
Many people have private thoughts that they don’t want to share, and
shouldn’t need to if their presence is not a danger to the relationship.
For instance, what if you occasionally fantasize about someone else while you’re having sex?
Or you may feel insecure about your partner’s previous relationships,
but don’t want him or her to think that you are overly possessive or jealous. Maybe you occasionally secretly wish you could have a short affair with someone else but have no intention of acting on it.
Private thoughts are normal for everyone. But, they have the
potential to become a danger to a relationship when their presence is
negatively affecting the other or when you are in danger of acting on
them without your partner’s knowing.
Privacy then becomes secrecy. Secret behavior is anything you hide
from your partner that you are going to act on that could cause him or
her distress. Any action that would threaten the relationship should be
open to a vote from the other partner before it is taken.
Why Many People Withhold
When my patients have confessed to me the things they withhold from
their intimate partners, they have shared multiple reasons as to why
they make those decisions. Sometimes they just don’t want to worry that
partner or unnecessarily threaten the relationship.
If you feel similarly, you will often feel that hard-to-resolve combination of self-serving and altruistic
motivations when you withhold from your partner. The more self-serving
your reasons are, the more you will be concerned about your own needs
rather than your partners. Alternately, the more caring you feel for
your partner over your own needs, the more your motivation is likely to be consideration for his or her experience.
Here are some examples my patients have shared that illustrate those
confusing mixtures of altruism and self-serving reasons for withholding.
“If I’m really turned on by his best friend because he is sexier than
my partner, why in earth would I tell him that? I’m never going to act
on it.”
“She’s gained a few pounds and I know how sensitive she is about it.
I’m worried she’ll get out of hand but she’ll only feel terrible if I
say something. She always asks me if I still desire her, but I know she
just needs reassurance. She knows how being fit is important to me, but,
you know, I love her anyway and I just hope she gains control pretty
soon.”
“He doesn’t know I got herpes fifteen years ago from a one-night
stand. I’ve never given it to anyone because I’m really careful. We’ve
been together three years now with unprotected sex and things are fine. I
think it would be a disaster if I told him now.”
“My last EKG wasn’t normal but the doctor just said I need to reduce my stress
and lose twenty pounds and everything would probably turn out okay. My
partner’s dad died of a heart attack about my age. Why would I worry her
when I can do something about it myself? When the tests are normal,
I’ll tell her then.”
“My high school boyfriend has been contacting me on Facebook.
He said he never got over me. When he left me, I couldn’t even function
for a year. Something in me just wants to meet him once to show him how
well my life has turned out and to put some closure on it for me. My
boyfriend would freak out if I told him, but I know I’m not going to
leave him for this guy who hurt me. Just one time. Is that the wrong
thing to do?”
“I’m really done with this relationship but I’m not going anywhere until she’s more stable. I don’t want the guilt of
leaving her feeling abandoned like the guy before her did, but she’s
literally driving me crazy. I don’t want to spring it on her, but every
time I even bring up that we’re not doing so well, she either starts
crying or acting like some kind of sycophant to a rock star. That just
makes it harder. I told her to get some therapy, but she won’t. I don’t know what to do.”
“Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about the ways I want him to
touch me, he immediately flips it and tells me that I am never satisfied
with anything he does and it becomes a huge drama. I’ve tried
everything I can to approach him in the right way, but nothing works. I
know I’m building resentment and pulling away but he just can’t seem to
see it.”
“My wife is so caught up with the kids that she pretty much falls
into bed at night without even saying ‘good night.” I wanted these twins
even though she wasn’t as crazy about the idea, but I didn’t think it
meant that our relationship would be sacrificed. I know if I tell her
how I feel, she’ll just think I’m a needy wimp and tell me I should help
more or something like that. And, if I didn’t mention it, no sex for
six months. I’m beginning to watch porn to get off, and I can tell you, that would not go over well.”
What are the Areas You Must Share Even if you Have to Risk Your Relationship?
No one wants a negative surprise. They are a two-edged sword of humiliation
and disappointment. In any relationship that you value and want to
continue, you must be willing to share anything that might currently or
in the future endanger your partner emotionally or physically, no matter
how hard that may be to share.
But when? In a new relationship, there are only a few that must be
shared up-front because your partner’s finding out later could end the
relationship. Some examples of early confessions might be:
-You may be in danger of developing a hereditary disease
-You have an STD
-You are deeply in debt
-You have a criminal record, even if it expunged
-You have a prior partner who has a vendetta against any new person you care about.
If your new relationship develops and begins to form a sustainable
bond, you then need to uncover the parts of you that are closer to your
heart. Examples might be:
-You no longer speak to your family
-You have trouble with managing money
-You have strong political or social biases
-You have sexual anxieties
If the two of you eventually become an exclusive relationship, to
make family and friends a regular part of your social circle, and to
begin making future plans, you must both be able to share those
experiences that are more vulnerable or might require your partner to
understand why you act the way you do.
For instance, you could have been raped in the past and certain words
and phrases that your partner may innocently say during love-making
remind you of that terrible assault?
Or, your dream job might require a lot of travelling and you don’t
know how that would affect a family. Perhaps you have a checkered past
but are fearful that your partner would not have approved of what you used to be, but have left behind?
Or, you might have given up your faith in a God and fear that your partner’s deep faith would make her no longer trust you?
You might be harboring terrible guilt for something you have done in the past that still haunts you?
Future Experiences Not Yet Known
All people change as they go through life. Old desires and dreams
are replaced with new ones. Great relationships are all about new
discoveries which can only come from continuous personal transformation.
Transformation creates change and change creates new thought and
feelings.
If you or your partner begin to feel differently about yourselves or
the relationship for whatever reasons, and do not share those internal
changes as they happen, you may lose the bond that keeps you close
without even realizing it is happening. You can, seemingly out of
nowhere, feel that you have become more like old friends, but no longer
as intimately connected.
Many of my patients have told me that they hesitate to “rock the
boat” when they’re not sure that what they are thinking and feeling
might upend that balance when they are not ready to face those potential
consequences. Perhaps their thoughts and feelings are just of the
moment or caused by extraneous circumstances that will pass. They make
the decision to postpone sharing it in hopes that will happen.
* * * * * * * *
Every intimate relationship is unique unto itself. What, when, and
how internal thoughts and feelings are shared must be decided within
each partnership. However, it cannot be denied that the level of true
intimacy is directly related to the level of transparency and
vulnerability any couple shares.
If you are clear about our own motivations when you make the decision
to withhold your inner self from our partner, you can begin by honestly
answering the following questions:
Am I making this decision to hold on to something that I might lose were I to be honest for my own comfort?
Am I withholding because I truly believe my partner would be unnecessarily harmed were I to tell him or her what I was feeling?
Am I being private or rationalizing secret behavior that my partner would not be able to tolerate?
Is my holding back going to help or hinder the successful future of my relationship?
Would I want my partner to do the same?
AUTHOR
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California.
Tag:
When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust, and Fulfillment in your Relationship
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