When we enter into long-term relationships—and certainly marriages—we
may keep in our mind a list of the things we'd like to get from (and,
one hopes, are willing to give to) a partner. Recent research suggests
certain gestures are especially important for fostering satisfaction and
are closely associated with couples' long-term success. Collectively,
these can be thought of as a Relationship Bill of Rights.
"Expectations are essential, and if you're not expecting good stuff,
then you very likely won't get it," says social psychology professor Eli
Finkel, who directs the Relationships and Motivation Lab at Northwestern University and is the author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage.
"We should be honest with ourselves about what things are essential for
us to get through the marriage, focus on those things, and let the
other things go."
This goal, he says, shouldn't be put aside when couples face
conflict, because every partner has the right to disagree—and to be
imperfect. "It's constructive to think of difficulties not only as
unpleasant circumstances to be endured but also as opportunities to
learn about each other and deepen the relationship," Finkel says. "I'm optimistic
about people's ability to make progress on problems." But he notes that
resolution is more likely if partners' beliefs about relationships are
not based on the theory that people must find the one and only
individual who's perfect for them. The idea that any given partner is
"meant to be"—or not—can make someone more likely to discard a
relationship when hard times hit, convinced that the search for an ideal
mate needs to continue elsewhere.
The following rights have consistently been found to form a baseline that gives couples the best chance of going the distance.
Your partner's attention is likely to improve your satisfaction with a
relationship, whether it's spontaneous—like an unexpected afternoon
text that makes you smile—or in response to your requests. A 2017 study
on relationship experiences published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
found that on the days when their partners had supported them or said
something that made them feel loved, people reported higher relationship
quality.
Couples often show attention to each other in the little things they
do. Jennyvi Dizon, 37, a fashion designer in New York City, is touched
every time her husband of 15 years picks up a treat for her at the
grocery store or remembers that she needs almond milk for her breakfast.
"He says it's his job to remember," she says. "He really believes in
the saying, 'Happy wife, happy life.'" In return, she makes a point of
tucking him in when he goes to bed every night, though she herself often
doesn't go to sleep until a few hours later.
How to get it: If your partner is kind, but not
naturally attentive, it may help to explain the sort of attention you
need and then to give positive feedback when you get it. And if busy
schedules conspire to keep you from each other, engineer some together
time. As Finkel explains, "Spouses who spend more time together engaged
in actual conversation tend to be happier than those who spend less. And
spouses who pursue more leisure activities together—including outdoor
activities, sports, card games, and travel—are at reduced risk of divorce."
Proposed amendment: The arrival of a child typically causes couples to take a short-term happiness
hit because their attention is diverted from each other to the new
addition; newborns in particular tend to be quite vocal about their own
rights. New parents
spend less time talking or doing activities together, and their
relationship satisfaction declines as a result, making this a time to be
even more conscious of finding or making moments to focus on each
other.
You have the right to a partner who will try to work out your differences.
All long-term relationships encounter sore spots and conflicts. Ignoring these problems won't make them go away, even if partners do so because they sincerely don't want to pick a fight. "No relationship can thrive when the two parties hold in frustrations that need to be shared and resolved," says Leon Seltzer, a clinical psychologist in Del Mar, California. "When couples stop trying to work out their differences and revert to passivity to keep the peace, they hold more and more inside of them and their alienation grows. The frustrations tend to leak out through sarcastic, taunting remarks, thinly veiled criticisms, or increasing inattention to the other's needs."
Addressing problems as they arise improves spouses' psychological
well-being and ratings of marital quality, especially for women. One
study of 205 married couples found that wives who believed that their
husbands did more emotional work were more satisfied with their
relationships.
Once differences are out in the open, even those that might have
seemed irreconcilable in one's imagination can often be addressed with a
compromise or a conscious agreement to disagree. "You can learn to
validate the hardcore differences that exist—and will always
exist—between you and your mate," Seltzer says. Consider a scenario in
which one partner is far more extraverted
than the other. Rather than sitting at home seething, or endlessly
haranguing a husband or wife who doesn't want to go out, partners who
open a conversation might discover that their mate really doesn't mind
if they sometimes socialize without them.
You have the right to a partner who'll share the load.
This is a right well worth defending, in part because it appears to deliver significant benefits to both partners.
The stark division of household labor that was nearly ubiquitous in
households of the past is less common today, with both outside earnings
and domestic responsibilities more likely to be shared by partners. A
2018 study, published in Socius and led by Daniel Carlson of the
University of Utah, compared national data from the early 1990s and 2006
and found that contemporary couples shared more household tasks than
did couples in even the recent past, and that this advantaged many
aspects of their relationships, starting with their sex
lives. "Sharing housework is associated with greater feelings of
fairness, teamwork, and overall relationship quality," Carlson says. "In
particular, feelings of teamwork—communication, cooperation, and shared vision—are important to sexual intimacy."
These feelings foster a partnership based on reciprocity and mutual
gratification, he has found, improving a relationship's quality and
lowering the risk of its dissolution.
It isn't necessary that couples split the work precisely in two,
research finds—which is fortunate, because most couples still do not do
so. In about 31 percent of families with two parents working full-time,
women still handle more household chores and responsibilities; 59
percent report that they share them equally. And in more than half of
these families, women continue to do more to handle children's schedules
and activities, according to 2015 data from the Pew Research Center.
But Carlson's work still shows measurable benefits to a couple's sex
life as long as neither partner does more than 65 percent of the
domestic work. Partners tend to be satisfied with relationships in which
the work is divided, not necessarily equally, Carlson says, but in a
way they both feel is fair.
How to get it: Discuss your expectations with your
partner. "I would even recommend writing down the tasks that you have
and coming up with a plan to divide them and then track their
completion," Carlson says. "Partners—men especially—often don't see that
they are not contributing to the degree they promise, so having
something concrete to point to can be helpful."
"We had a lot of fights about housework," says Anna Aquino, 40, of
Canal Winchester, Ohio. "The majority of it wouldn't get done or would
fall to me. Because I work from home, I understand I can have more to
do, but I would get frustrated, and my husband would get annoyed when
things weren't done. It didn't seem fair to anyone." The couple finally
agreed to post a chore chart on the fridge. "It saves a load of fights,"
she says. The day-to-day chores aren't split down the middle, since
Aquino's husband works more outside the home, but she says both partners
are happier now because "it's pretty fair all around and everyone
agreed to it."
Proposed amendment: When it comes to sharing
domestic responsibilities, couples don't need to aim for a specific
target, but should work to find the breakdown that serves their
relationship best. "You could have a good relationship with someone
doing 100 percent of the household work," Finkel says. Your partner
might actually love cooking, cleaning up, and caring for kids or pets,
while you feel more fulfilled by work and hobbies. "If a couple sees
that as fair," Carlson says, "they certainly can be happy."
You have the right to honesty about sex.
What are partners entitled to in the bedroom? The answer will vary
from couple to couple, but the research finds that it's not necessarily
the presence or absence of sexual activity, a specific schedule or
frequency, or even the pleasure derived from it that is most associated
with relationship satisfaction. What matters is that both partners'
expectations, whatever they are, are met. That's why two people can
sincerely find satisfaction in a sexless relationship: If neither
expects sex, nor seeks it, its absence doesn't affect how they feel
about each other. But sexual expectations can and do change over time,
and it's crucial for a couple's satisfaction that partners communicate
shifts in both their desire and their capability.
"It's the disparity in partner preferences, whether for frequency or
type of stimulation, that can potentially result in the greatest
unhappiness," says sex and marital therapist Michael A. Perelman, a
professor of psychiatry
at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York City. When such a disparity
exists, "communication and compromise skills become critical to mutual
satisfaction." Both partners need to be upfront about their expectations
and help their partner understand them. From this place, a mutually
agreeable plan can be drafted. If never-uttered sexual concerns are
leading one partner to question his or her place in the relationship,
the other partner has the right to hear about it, no matter how awkward
the ensuing conversation may be.
How to get it: Find a comfortable time to talk about
the issues, Perelman advises. For some, it might be while relaxing in
bed, a setting that can lead to openness
and intimacy; for others, he says, such a conversation will best be
broached over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee, "in any comfortable
place that affords privacy." Try a gentle opener: "I have a few thoughts
about our sex life I'd like to discuss, if that works for you."
Proposed amendment: Partners should never criticize
each other during sexual activity (unless something is uncomfortable or
painful). If you're hesitant to start a conversation, you might
unilaterally consult a sex therapist first. "Even if only one person in
the couple seeks assistance, it's highly likely that some relief can be
found," Perelman says.
You have the right to affection.
Sexual passion may wax or wane over time in any long-term
relationship, but it's important that affection carry on. "Giving and
receiving affection is associated with feelings of pleasure, acceptance,
happiness or contentment, and a sense of being loved or cared for,"
says Anita Vangelisti, a communications professor at the University of
Texas at Austin who has studied affection's effects, specifically in the
early years of marriage. She has found that hearing "I love you," and
receiving physical affection outside of sexual intercourse, among other
behaviors, predicts higher marital satisfaction for both men and women.
While expressions of affection typically become a little less
frequent over time, she says, "partners who maintain relatively high
levels tend to be happier." Research on the physiology of affection has
also shown that giving and receiving it are associated with the release
of oxytocin, as well as the regulation of stress hormones throughout the day, enhancing well-being and enabling each partner to manage stress more successfully.
How to get it: "Ask for it," Vangelisti says. You
can start by giving more affection to your partner. "Once your partner
sees you giving them more affection, they may reciprocate." You can try
to arrange more opportunities for affection by planning relaxed time
together. "If one or both of you are always busy and rushing around,
it's more difficult to give and receive affection."
And don't fear
that "manufacturing" affectionate behaviors, or the opportunities for
them, will strip them of their power. Research by Brittany Jakubiak of
Syracuse University and Brooke Feeney of Carnegie Mellon University has
shown that people felt more secure and trusting in a relationship, and
more confident
that it would endure, after a partner held their hand or threw an arm
around their shoulder, even if they were told that the partner had been
instructed to show them affection.
Proposed amendment: Be clear about the type of
affection you seek and make sure you and your partner both understand
how you each define the term. If they think they're showing affection by
taking your car to get washed, while you want hugs and a whispered "I
love you," that's the kind of misunderstanding that can erode
satisfaction with a relationship.
You have the right to the benefit of the doubt.
Relationships flourish when couples attribute the best of intentions
to each other all the time. This means that, yes, your partner really
should view you through rose-colored glasses, idealizing you in normal
circumstances and forgiving you relatively easily when you fall short.
"A little bit of positive illusion is better," Finkel says. "It's easy
to go down rabbit holes of perceived slights, but if we have a general
view that our partner is loving and at core a decent person—maybe even
more decent than they really are—then when we do have difficulties,
we're better at overcoming them. Some amount of self-delusion is linked
to better relationship quality."
Relationship satisfaction typically starts falling immediately after a
couple says "I do," but many studies have pointed toward a prescription
for sustaining it. In just one recent example, Sandra Murray of the
University at Buffalo found that partners who continue to idealize their
spouse, even somewhat unrealistically, experience less decline in
satisfaction with the marriage over three years than people who cannot
maintain the same belief.
How to get it: "We have a lot of latitude in how we
perceive our partner's behavior," Finkel says. If you show up late to an
important event, your partner could label you inconsiderate—or remember
that you've been overwhelmed at work but are still trying to get
everything done. If you or your partner tend more toward reflexively
blaming the other, try thinking about the situation from the perspective
of a neutral third party who wants the best for both of you. "It gets
us out of our myopia and gives us a broader perspective," Finkel says.
Implementing some psychological distance can help you and your partner
feel less angry about conflicts and should strengthen the relationship
over time.
Proposed amendment: Beware of the doormat effect.
"We have studies showing that if someone is highly forgiving, with no
amends made, or if a partner is always difficult, forgiveness
may still have beneficial consequences, but it undermines the aggrieved
party's self-respect," Finkel says. If a problem festers over time, the
relationship is likely to suffer. Minor flaws or occasional missteps
can be sugarcoated, but more serious issues must be addressed and
ideally resolved.
"It's a shared responsibility," Finkel says. Partners need to own up
to hurtful things they've done and express regret, even if they don't
fully believe they are in the wrong. For the hurt partner, there's a lot
of benefit in both hearing an apology and seeing amends. It can help
you both put infractions in the past. "Let them be speed bumps, rather
than barricades."
You have the right to gratitude.
Partners who are grateful for each other, studies have shown, feel
more satisfied in their relationships. And even when just one partner
feels gratitude—whether
on an existential level or for simpler things like being brought a
favorite drink—both benefit. Amie Gordon of the University of
California, San Francisco calls it a cycle of gratitude. "If you start
doing nice things, and your partner picks up on it and feels
appreciated, it should inspire their own good feelings," she says.
Gratitude can increase people's motivation to stay in, and improve, a
relationship, and make them more likely to engage in more considerate
behaviors, like better listening and sacrificing for their partner.
Gordon's research has shown that more grateful people are likelier to
maintain long-term relationships.
A recent study in Social Psychological and Personality Science
suggests it's the feeling of gratitude that makes a difference, not the
acts that engender it. Researchers found that people are equally likely
to notice a partner's sacrifice as not, and they are just as likely to
see a sacrifice where there is none as they are to correctly note its
absence. No matter: When a person believes a partner has sacrificed for
them, accurately or not, the benefits of gratitude accrue. And when they
fail to detect a sacrifice, their partner feels less satisfied.
How to get it: Your partner is not obligated to keep a gratitude journal or meditate
with you on life's blessings. So how to elicit it? You can prime a
partner's expressions of gratitude by showing your appreciation for
them. "If you feel unappreciated or taken for granted, try doing some of
the things you wish they would do for you," Gordon suggests. "It's a
nice way to jumpstart gratitude in a reasonably well-functioning
relationship." If you're having trouble accessing your own gratitude,
think about what life was like before you were with your partner. That
can help counter hedonic adaptation—or becoming accustomed to, and
perhaps less appreciative of, the benefits they bring to you. When
showing your own gratitude, make it personal. "It's not just, 'Hey,
thanks for taking out the trash.' Say, 'You know how much I hate it;
you're so thoughtful for doing the thing that I hate.' You're not just
thanking them for the act," Gordon says, "but for the person they are.
It bumps it up a notch."
Proposed amendment: Gratitude shouldn't be used to gloss over problems such as emotional abuse.
"It's not healthy to try to feel gratitude because, hey, this person
didn't yell at me today, or get mad when they usually do," Gordon says.
No one should use gratitude to prop up a relationship that they should
be exiting.
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