There’s nothing like the thrill of new love — the intensity, the
excitement, the obsession. We think about him constantly. Our moods
shift in parallel to her smile or frown. It’s purely a matter of willpower that keeps us in touch with our family and friends because, if truth be known, he or she is the only person we want to be with.
Then, typically somewhere between 6 months and 2 years, our relationship becomes real. The chemistry of the initial attraction is
replaced by a conscious assessment of how the other person’s vision and
values mesh with ours. Whether or not the relationship deepens into
something substantial and long-lasting depends on how suitable we are
for each other as life partners. It also depends on the psychological health of the individuals involved.
In fact, for a minority of unstable individuals, the mutual
infatuation stage morphs into something quite different — a one-sided obsession in
which one partner increasingly attempts to mold and shape the other
into an object with which he or she can play out their fantasy.
Individuals who develop these obsessive interpersonal relationships
often have psychological problems that prevent the normal progression
of a romantic relationship. Independence is seen as rejection; physical
or emotional distance is viewed as a threat. As a result, there is a
repeated attempt to possess and control the other partner’s thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors. When the object of the obsession tires of all
the attention, pressure,
and neediness and — inevitably — tries to pull back, the perpetrator’s
worst fears are confirmed, setting up a vicious cycle in which each side
escalates in response to the other. At the extreme, the end of the
relationship can lead to the end of a life.
3 Stages of Obsession:-
Obsessive love is based on fantasy and illusion. Interactions are
based on a pre-written script that requires an often-unsuspecting
partner to memorize the lines and never alter them. There is a constant
expectation of reassurance and an intense focus in the relationship that
doesn’t subside regardless of the length of time the relationship has
endured or the amount of time spent together. However, the relationship
does change over time and can often be divided into three definite
phases:
1. Absorbed Stage: Due to the consuming nature
of infatuation, it can be hard to spot red flags of an obsessive
relationship during courtship. However, even during the throes of
infatuation, some individuals are extreme in their initial attachment — wanting to know everything about you, showering you with gifts, talking about marriage
and commitment within the first few days of meeting, or referring to
you as his or her “soulmate.” Looking back, many survivors of obsessive
relationships can see that, early on, a partner was putting them in the
role they were supposed to play.
One of my clients once told me about a successful doctor she dated
briefly who, after three dates, asked her when she was going to move in
with him. On all three dates, he had asked her to dress up and taken her
to extremely expensive restaurants, where he insisted they both order
(and eat) appetizers, a main course, and desert. When she made the
comment that she couldn’t continue eating like this if she wanted to
maintain her “girlish figure,” he looked her in the eye and stated,
“Well, you can always go in the bathroom and throw up. Eating out is the
one thing that helps me relieve stress.”
Needless to say, that was the last date they had; although he
obsessively called her for a few weeks afterward, she later learned that
her former date had moved in with another woman within the month.
2. Agitated Stage: As the relationship progresses,
the obsessive partner increasingly attempts to control his or her
partner. They text, call, or email numerous times a day. They are jealous
of anyone or anything that takes time away from your relationship and
attempt to sabotage your participation in enjoyed activities and isolate
you from friends and family. They become increasingly anxious about
losing you and so they begin to doubt or mistrust what you say even
though there is no reason to do so.
3. Aggressive Stage: This stage
typically starts when either previously “successful” attempts at
controlling you have failed; or you end the relationship. At this point,
the perpetrator ups the ante. They may threaten suicide
if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. They may disrupt your life by
calling your home, boss, or friends. They may suddenly show up
uninvited. They may alternate between pleas to reunite and vows of
vengeance. For some desperate or disturbed individuals, the behavior can
escalate to stalking, threats, or physical violence.
The Psychological Profile of a Violent Ex
No matter how hurt or angry, most ex-lovers never engage in illegal
behavior. Those who do have an underlying psychopathology that blocks
their ability to let go and move on. In particular, two personality profiles are likely to engage in serious or lethal violence after a breakup.
The first — the generally violent, antisocial ex — tends to have a history of impulsivity, substance abuse, and/or violent and criminal
behavior inside and outside the relationship. This person was likely
abusive and controlling in the relationship, using violence as a way to
keep a partner in line or regain control and feel powerful. The
obsessiveness displayed reflects a sense of ownership and entitlement: You belong to me, and I have the right to tell you what to do. Lethal violence is an extension of these dysfunctional relationship beliefs: You have disrespected me by leaving, and I can’t allow that.
Unlike the chronic batterer, the second type of potentially lethal ex
may have never laid a finger on a partner; in fact, in 20 percent of
relationship homicides, the murder is the first act of violence. The
personality profile of this obsessive ex is an immature and
self-centered individual who, in the relationship, constantly craved or
demanded attention and affection. Emotional blackmail — crying, threats of self-harm, inducing guilt
— may be used to control a partner during a relationship. It is only
when these no longer work that violence becomes an option. Stalking and
other forms of unwanted pursuit may be used after a breakup in an
attempt to maintain or re-establish the intimate relationship. Taken to
the extreme, the obsessive ex may explode in a murderous rage
out of the mistaken impression that the very essence of who they are
will be psychologically destroyed if they don’t respond to the
situation.
The Bottom Line
No one can accurately predict which individual will murder someone
they once loved. We can, however, spot the dark clouds in a relationship
that predict thunderclouds after a breakup. Whether out of insecurity
and neediness, or a sense of entitlement and ownership, exes who kill
their former partners attempt to manipulate and control the relationship
long before it ends. Ending such a relationship safely requires planning, strategy, and help. Don't go it alone.
ABOUT AUTHOR
Joni E. Johnston, Psy.D, is the author of Complete Idiot's Guide to Psychology.
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