A core aspect of a good relationship
is maintaining emotional trust, and repairing that trust when blips
happens. All of these four communication skills will assist you in
doing that. Of the four, what are you strongest at? What's your weak
spot?
1. Exit strategies for heated arguments.
According to research by Dr John Gottman, around 70%
of the arguments
couples have are recurring. They're about conflicts that are never
solved. Whether this causes a problem in the relationship depends on
the emotional tone of these conversations. Are they vicious? Full of
contempt and harsh criticism, or not? There comes a point in many
relationship arguments when you know it's not going anywhere
productive. How do you diffuse conversations that are about to become
hurtful and destructive? What works is going to depend on the
relationship. For instance, humor
sometimes works but not if your partner sees you as not ever taking
anything seriously. Another strategy that can work is intellectualizing
your pattern, such as acknowledging that whenever a particular topic
comes up it's very upsetting for both of you or brings up bad memories. Sometimes it's just a matter of changing the subject.
2. Acknowledging valid points your partner makes about your flaws.
This is a simple but important skill that I talk about in detail in my book, The Healthy Mind Toolkit.
When your partner makes a valid point during conversations, it's
important to acknowledge the legitimacy of their argument, including
when their point is about a flaw or weakness you have. What valid
complaints does your partner make about your behavior? For example,
does your partner complain that you're always working? That you eat too
much salt? That you never stand up to your parents when they're being intrusive? That you're disorganized in how you approach a particular task?
Changing behavior is hard but acknowledging the presence of an issue
is sometimes enough to stop it causing major relationship problems. If
you never change or improve anything about yourself, your partner is
likely to become pretty annoyed. However, most people can empathize
with having habits you know you should address but struggling to do so.
3. Ways of showing you think about your partner when you're not physically together.
Couples who stay in love over the long-term
tend to think about each other when they're not physically together.
It's useful to occasionally communicate to your partner that you're
thinking about them when you're apart. For instance, if your partner
was taking a flight alone you might say "I checked your flight after I
dropped you off at the airport and saw you were 30 mins late
departing." If your partner is out running errands and probably stuck
in traffic or waiting in a long line, you might give them a "hello"
call. You'll soon find out what types of communication your partner
finds thoughtful and supportive and what they find annoying or
disruptive.
It's normal and healthy for partners to want to know roughly where
the other person is and when they'll be coming back. The genesis of
this desire is that the adult attachment system that emotionally glues couples together is, in an evolutionary sense, borrowed from the parent-child attachment
system. So, couples like to know where each other is, just like a
small child likes to know where there parent is and when they're coming
back.
4. Communicating when you're prepared to discuss a topic if now isn't the right time.
It's important in relationships
for partners not to feel like topics are completely off limits. For
instance, when one person wants to discuss having another baby,
renovating the bathroom, or moving to a different city/state. However,
partners sometimes bring up tricky topics when the other person isn't in
the headspace to discuss it. When this happens, it's important the
person who isn't ready for the conversation lets their partner know when
a better time to talk would be. I'm a huge proponent of couples going
for an evening walk together. This routine makes for a great time to
catch up with each other and talk about plans, big and small. And, it's
often easier to have potentially difficult conversations when you're
physically moving and not trapped in your house or a chair at a
restaurant etc.
Wrapping Up
Of the four skills I've mentioned, which do you think has the biggest
potential to help your relationship? An elephant in the room that's
worth explicitly mentioning is that many times the emotional work in
relationships is done by a woman. Therefore, guys, this is your
opportunity to step up, and I've given you some specific skills to
choose from and try out. If these skills are unfamiliar, expect trying
them to feel clunky at first. It's a bit like trying to speak in a new
language, you're always going to sound awkward to start with and it
won't feel natural initially, but it becomes more organic feeling over
time and with practice.
ABOUT AUTHOR
Alice Boyes, Ph.D., translates principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and social psychology into tips people can use in their everyday lives.
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