“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” is not just a hit song from the 1960s, it
is a fact. Anyone who has gone through a break up knows that a broken
heart can be difficult to mend. This universal emotional response to the
sudden, unexpected or unwanted loss of love is often characterized
by an intense longing, hurt and/or desire for an ex or unrequited love.
And it can hurt like hell. For some, it feels like their whole world is
caving in on them. And in many cases, because the pain is so great and
the path to mending it seems so daunting, people avoid healing their
broken heart. This avoidance can lead to many unwanted side effects
including but not limited to greater internal conflict, complicated
emotional responses, withdrawal and difficulty in future relationships.
So, how do you heal a broken heart? Here are a few tips I have picked
up in my training, clinical experiences and late night calls with
girlfriends and family members.
Take Your Time
Breaking up can trigger chemical, emotional and physical reactions
that cause you to feel lonely, unloveable, depressed and worthless.
That’s not just going to go away with a new hair cut, maxing out your
Visa with a new wardrobe and hitting the club. Instead of pushing
yourself to move forward quickly, take time to acknowledge how you are
feeling. Bottling up your emotions may seem like a good idea in the
short-term but it can lead to unwanted long-term consequences such as
bitterness, a jaded view of relationships, fear, depression, a poor self-image and serial dating. Your feelings are valid. Whether you were convinced that your ex was “the one”, even though he clearly wasn’t to your friends
and family, doesn’t matter. Your thoughts might be distorted but your
feelings are real. Take the time you need to explore them.
Good Grief
Along with breaking up comes the loss of a relationship with your ex,
some mutual friends, and your ex’s family. But the loss doesn’t end
there. You might lose your home, your perceived social status and what
ever future you imagined you might have had with your ex. Just like with
any loss, you need to give yourself the time and space to grieve what
is no more. Now, this is easier said than done. The natural reaction is
to avoid this because it seems too painful to face reality. But avoiding
this part of the process can lead to depression, anxiety, low self esteem,
suppressed immune system, physical manifestations such as body tension,
despair, obsessive thoughts and yes, the inability to move on. Though
it can be physically and emotionally unpleasant at times, grieving gives
you a greater sense of being in control and feeling empowered. You do
not want to enter your next relationship guarded, making negative
predictions and pushing your partner away by pleading “Don’t Go Breaking
My Heart”, like the Backstreet Boys. Grieving is a necessary part of
the healing process and the path to getting unstuck and moving on, in a
healthy way.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief is one of the most
popular ways to frame the grieving process. Though everyone experiences
grief uniquely, I have found it to be a helpful guide in working with my
grieving clients. The five stages are Denial (inability to accept
reality), Anger (physical tension, frustration, resentment), Bargaining (magical thinking, pleading to God), Depression (Sadness, emptiness, guilt, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, hopelessness) and Acceptance.
While moving though these stages, be curious about your thoughts,
feelings, behaviors and physical sensations. Take time to be aware of
what you are experiencing and practice letting things be as they are,
without trying to control or change them. Do your best to notice when
you are being judgmental of your thoughts or feelings and try to have
compassion for yourself. Grieving is difficult. Be kind to yourself and
understand that it will take some time.
Become Anti-Social (Media)
A break up is a special kind of loss with the additional complication
of your ex still being present. With social media making your ex
accessible at the touch of a finger, it is important for you to
understand that there is a thin line between ex lover and internet
stalker. Nothing good can come from looking at your ex’s Instagram
stories or Facebook timeline. When it comes to social media, just say no.
Try Mindfulness
To manage the unpleasant sensations, thoughts and feelings try practicing deep breathing, body scans, meditation
and other mindful activities. Allowing things to flow freely, without
trying to control, stop, avoid or manipulate them, will make them less
powerful, loosens their grip on you and gives you the confidence
and skill you need to act in the face of them. Give yourself the chance
to unleash your inner Glinda the Good Witch and tell them, “You have no
power here! Begone...”
Date Yourself
The broken-hearted often struggle with remembering who they were
before their recent break up. They see themselves in the context of the
relationship and forget that they were once fully functional,
interesting and even desirable people when they were once single. Your
relationship should not have defined you then and it certainly should
not now. This is why I encourage you to rediscover yourself by dating
yourself. “Dating yourself is a way for you to become more mindful of
how you are feeling, what is going on in your mind and why you might
behave in a certain way.” It also, helps you get in touch with what your
needs and wants are. Here are the steps:
“Step 1: Set time aside to date yourself by scheduling it in. Make yourself a priority.
Step 2: Decide what you are going to do with that time.
Make sure it is something you want to do!
Step 3: Engage in dating prep. Why should you only spend time getting all dolled up for
someone else?
Step 4: Go on the date with mindful presence…Be open to the experience, and enjoy the moment.”
To learn more about how to date yourself, check out my dating guide
"Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection".
Remember Why You Broke Up
It may be painful to recall what your ex said when things ended but
it is a necessary part of moving on. There is a reason why you are no
longer together. Whether it is because they are no longer attracted to
you, you cheated on them or they have a higher calling and are leaving
you for God, you need to accept the reality of why the relationship has
ended so you can get passed it.
Find Therapy
If you need additional help, therapy can be a wonderful resource to
provide you with support and new tools to assist in letting go. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for example, is a short-term treatment model with measurable goals that can teach you how to change unhelpful negative automatic thoughts and maladaptive behaviors that stop you from moving on.
In addition to the tried and true methods of being with loved ones,
engaging in some good old-fashioned self-care and singing “I Will
Survive” at the top of your lungs, the above tips should help you mend
your broken heart. Remember that everyone has had their heart broken at
one time or another and give yourself the space, time and compassion
that you deserve.
ABOUT AUTHOR
Chamin Ajjan, MS, LCSW, ACT is a licensed psychotherapist in NYC, specializing in intimacy and relationships, and the author of Seeking Soulmate: Ditch The Dating Game and Find Real Connection.
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