Sexuality educator Jane Fleishman,
PhD, once worked with an 80-something-year-old newly widowed woman who
had never had an orgasm. She was finally ready to change that, but how?
"First, there’s no 'work,'" Fleishman told her about finding and
experimenting with her clitoris, a body part typically involved in
female orgasm. "Let’s just think of this as play." Soon enough, she
found her clit—for the first time ever—and went on her very merry way.
Yup,
it’s pretty common to be a tad confused about exactly where and what
the clit is—even if you’ve lived with it for decades. That’s in part
because while, as a society, we’re pretty cool with using the word penis
to describe, well, the penis, we tend to call everything down there "the vagina," when what you really mean is the labia or the clitoris or the actual vagina (a.k.a. the birth canal).
Plus, it’s kinda hidden if you’re just standing in front of the mirror. "It can be very mysterious to people," says Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a clinical professor of obstetrics, gynecology, reproductive sciences at Yale University.
But that certainly doesn't mean you should wait
until your 80s—or heck, even your 20s—to become acquainted with your
clitoris. In fact, Fleishman suggests getting to know your own body and
clitoris before you engage in any kind of sex play with
somebody else. "It will really give them a chance to be a better lover
to you," she says. Whelp, you heard the expert—time to start "playing"
STAT.
What is the clitoris?
The
clitoris—pronounced "clit-er-iss" not "clit-OR-iss"—is a small (on the
outside), sensitive part of the female genitalia that can become more
prominent when you’re aroused, thanks to the blood being shuttled to the
region. Many, if not most, women need some part of it to be stimulated
in order to have an orgasm. "It’s analogous to the penis as far as
sensation and sexual activity go," Minkin explains.
The
clitoris itself is made up of two different visible parts: the clitoral
hood, a flap of skin that retracts during arousal, and the glans
clitoris, a small, sensitive bulb with some 15,000 (!) nerve endings
that the hood protects.
But there’s a lot more to the clitoris than meets the eye. In fact, the
organ has "legs," that look sort of like a wishbone, that travel along
the pelvic bone and are anywhere from 2.25 to 2.5 inches long, Fleishman
says. "They’re also made of spongy tissue that can get erect when
aroused," she explains.
That’s good news, since it means it’s not just the
visible parts of your clit that can help you climax. "There are many
parts of the clitoris that can provide sexual pleasure for a woman in
her body," Fleishman adds.
Where is the clitoris?
If
you plop spread-eagle in front of a mirror, you’ll see your inner and
outer lips—technically, the labia minora and majora—surrounding your
vaginal opening. Find where those lips meet at the top (closer to your
belly button than your rectum) to spot your clitoris. "Where the labia
come to the top is where you’re going to find the clitoris," Minkin
says. Another way to think about its location is as right above your
urethra, or the tiny hole through which you pee.
Being able to find your clitoris is important, but
what really matters is figuring out where and in what ways to touch it
to feel good to you. "Put some lube on your hands, lie on your bed
without clothes on, and begin to move your fingers in a clockwise
motion," says Fleishman, who also recommends choosing a lube with as few
fragrances and chemicals as possible.
You may
notice that touching the glans clitoris straight on is too much
sensation, but applying a little pressure around, say, 3 o'clock gets
you going. "Think about what feels right to you," Fleishman says.
A
bathtub or shower is a good place to experiment, too. As you get turned
on, you may feel the tissue's firmness changing. "The cells of the
tissue will get more blood flow to it, so it will be a little thicker,"
Fleishman says. "It won’t be as stiff as an erection, but it will be a
little more pronounced."
Don’t be afraid to use a
vibrator, either, says Minkin. Using a vibrator "isn’t gawdy or dirty,"
she adds. "It’s totally medically acceptable and a good thing."
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