BOKISSONTHRONE: What Gives People the Nerve?

When a friend has agreed to meet up or hang out or show up for something with you, it can be disappointing when they "flake on you" and turn into a "no-show."

There is so much distraction today and

a lot of people are probably trying to do too much in too little time. Sometimes we will agree to do something with someone just to be nice, helpful, or a friend, even if we have no intention of following up on our promise. Rather than call up people when we are inviting them to get together, we’ll send a text, IM, or some other media-based invitation. Yet, when we respond in the affirmative and give our word via a keyboard, it doesn’t have nearly the same weight as a verbal commitment. It’s like writing a thank-you note – an email may be fine, but actually handwriting something takes a lot more work and a lot more thought – no “cutting and pasting” handwritten sentiments!

Also, with so many opportunities now on how we want to spend our limited time, we might simply imagine that we’d like to do something, then decide at the last minute that there’s a better way to spend that little bit of leisure time we’ve carved out. We can just drop a text or send a message and never have to say a word or admit, in person, that we aren’t going to show.

Technology and the Loss of Good Manners

Due to the speed at which technology connects us, we now assume that we need to answer invitations or requests as soon as we receive them. Some events that we’re invited to join can actually sound like something we really do want to do at that moment, so we text back a quick “Absolutely!” or “Count me in.” Yet by the time the actual event rolls around, we may have already forgotten that we promised to show up. Also, technology makes it a whole lot easier to cancel at the last minute – even if your friend is already getting a table or waiting at the bar. You don’t have to try and track down the phone number of the place, you just send a quick apology and go on with your life without having to see or hear how much disappointment or inconvenience you’ve caused another.

Technology gives us a sense of control over our lives since we’re able to basically “hold the world in the palm of our hand.” Ever since we started using the quantitative measures of “friends,” “shares,” and “likes” as measures of our self-worth, we’ve been increasingly mechanizing human relationships. This creates a distance from the living breathing person with whom we are interacting and makes the relationship more transactional than if we had to speak directly to someone.

Technology depersonalizes and mechanizes relationships to a point where we may not even recognize the effect our behaviors have on others.

How to Deal When Friends Flake on You

It can be really frustrating when people flake on you. Some people might get really angry and others might be really hurt. No matter what your typical response might be, it really might be more about the other person than about you. It can be hard not to take something like this personally. Yet, all of us have probably had the best intentions in the world when we agreed to something and later flaked. If it’s a friend that you usually can count on, then cut the friend some slack, but let them know that you didn’t think it was cool. With friends or acquaintances, you can bring it up or just let it slide and learn from the experience. As people’s lives seem to get busier, and there are so many assaults on the little free time that we have, it might not seem too strange that a friend would rather spend an evening hanging out at home with the DVR than make the effort to get dressed and show up in “real time.”

If a friend continues to leave you hanging, after promising to show up, you might need to have a serious conversation or begin to disengage from the friendship, yourself, if it seems like that’s what your friend is doing.

If you don’t bring up an issue that you see as a problem with a friend, there’s little likelihood that your friend is going to make any changes in behavior. And if it’s a friend’s flaking that is driving you crazy, then you shouldn’t “flake off” from letting your friend know it matters.

Don’t flake off from letting a friend know flaking off isn’t cool.