In
fact, "there are many roads to intimacy, and foreplay is one," says Janet Brito, PhD, a licensed clinical
psychologist and certified sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and
Reproductive Health in Honolulu. "What foreplay does is lead us to a
deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually."
The more you get in touch with each other's sexual selves (both figuratively
and literally), the more comfortable you'll be sharing your desires, fantasies,
all that good stuff.
Excited already? Yeah, thought so. But before you fire up that
engine, here are the best foreplay tips to try ASAP.
1. Think outside the bedroom.
If you’re go-to foreplay routine involves a little kissing and
touching—then goes right into wham, bam, thank you, ma’am—it’s time to mix it
up. "Foreplay should definitely begin before you get into the bedroom to
have sex," says Buckley. She suggests getting low-key frisky with your
S.O. when you're out to dinner (footsie, haiiii), watching TV
in the living room, and anywhere else you’re feeling the ~vibe~.
Both
Brito and Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, sexuality
counselor specializing in sex therapy, and author of She Comes First,
agrees. He adds that simply "having fun and doing things that are exciting
to each other" can be a form of foreplay.
How can something kinda meh lead to oh yeahhh? Well, it’s
all thanks to (brace yourself for a scientific name) the excitation-transfer
theory, which means that when you do a stimulating activity in one domain, the
hyped-up feeling you get can then be transferred into another, explains Kerner.
So even if you get jazzed flirting over veggies at the farmer’s
market together (hey, not judging), that’s a form of foreplay.
2. Fill
your day with foreplay.
After all, who doesn’t want breakfast with a side of arousal?
Foreplay can start in the morning and can go All. Day. Long. through sexy
little suggestions here and there, says Buckley. Maybe you hop in the shower
with them before work (save the shower sex for
the main event) or text them a sexy little something during their lunch break
(more on that in a sec).
Whatever you’re into, "you can have lots of moments of
foreplay leading up to sex that happens later," explains Kerner. In fact,
just knowing you're not going to get it on until later that night or even the
next day can ramp up the anticipation and make foreplay feel even hotter.
3. Sext
them sultry little somethings.
Buckley and Kerner both agree that sexting can be a hot AF form of
foreplay, especially when it includes teasing the person on the other side of
the screen. Let your partner know what you're going to do to them when you see
them, or hint at what you'd like them to do to you, suggests Buckley.
Try something like: "It was so great the last time we _____. I
loved it when you touched me in this way, or when you sucked on that." You
can head down the sweet and sensual route or go straight-up pornographic. If it
feels right in that moment, you can't go wrong. "Anything that creates
anticipation and arousal is great," Kerner says.
4. Spell it o-u-t.
Full disclosure: This tip's as basic as wearing Uggs and a North
Face while sipping a PSL from Starbucks (don't @ me, you know it's true), but
it's still pretty darn important. When you're flirting or sexting with your
partner, let them know exactlywhat you find
attractive about them, advises Kerner. Even if you think they already know
because of the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-them thing, it never hurts to
remind them how much their abs, ass, or even ambition turns you on.
"Remember that the language of sex is a lot different than
the language you commonly use in your relationship vocabulary," Kerner
says. "You can be going through your day and communicating back and forth
in very respectful, egalitarian ways, but you may also jump into some language
that's very erotic or sexual."
Basically, whenever the opportunity to seduce your partner
presents itself, seize it. And when it doesn't...create it.
5. Play up
the sexiness of not being able to have sex (yet).
Crank your next date night up a notch—or ten—by teasing your
partner when you’re cuddled up at a cozy restaurant or low-lit bar.
"Teasing is really important because when we can't have what it is that we
want, that creates desire," says Buckley.
She and Brito suggest whispering in your partner's ear about what you’re
looking forward to that night, nibbling on their neck, or discreetly touching
them wherever they'll take notice. When you know you can't have sex, it becomes
all the more arousing, Buckley explains.
6. Use psychological lube.
The last thing you want to think about when getting frisky is your
errand list or a work project. Simply put, not being in the right headspace can
be enough to kill your lady boner.
That’s why Kerner always suggests adding "psychological
excitement" into your foreplay routine, rather than relying solely on
physical touch and stimulation.
But WTF qualifies as psychological excitement? Turns out, tons of
sexy stuff: listening to an erotic podcast, watching porn
together (btw, there’s audible pornnow,
too), reading erotica aloud
to each other, and even playing sex games.
Further along in your relationship? Kerner suggests sharing your fantasies, and
then incorporating them, or some role-play, into your foreplay sesh.
7. Get handsy, but not too handsy.
Let's be real, many couples think foreplay is a fancy word for
fingering and oral sex. If you’re one of them, no shade, buuut it
might be time to add a little pit stop on your way to Pleasureville.
By that, I mean that you and your partner should spend more time
away from your vagina. Kerner encourages couples to let the arousal simmer by
keeping it strictly above the waist—kissing, touching, nibbling on necks, and
dirty talking before heading straight for the goods.
That’s because "a lot of women complain that their partners
move too quickly into direct clitoral stimulation, and sometimes that can
tickle or even hurt if they're not that aroused," he says. Keeping things
PG-13 for a bit allows you and your partner to check in with each other and
make sure your "arousal arcs," as Kerner calls them, are synchronized
and calibrated to each other.
(Also: Who doesn't love making
out?!)
8. See how
far you can go—without going "all the way."
"Foreplay is all about the process of experiencing
pleasure," says Brito. "It's the journey, and the journey is
everything." And what's something you might want to pack on that journey?
A sex toy. Kerner recommends playing with one (or two, or three) to get those
creative—and, of course, other—juices flowing.
Whether
using toys or your good old-fashioned hands and mouths, feel free to take your
time exploring each other's erogenous zones, both Brito and Kerner advise. You
can even make a game of it, says Kerner, by seeing how far you can go through
outercourse (a.k.a. what you've likely called "everything but").
9. Keep the
foreplay coming.
Newsflash,
peeps: Not only can you start foreplay anytime and anywhere, but you
technically never have to stop—even when it leads to intercourse. "There's
something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual
experience," Buckley says.
To keep the party going, she suggests having sex for a little
while, but stopping before either person orgasms. Then flip it and reverse it
Missy Elliot–style back to foreplay.
Ever heard of edging? Just in case you haven't, it's when
you bring yourself juuustto the edge of
orgasm (ha, get it?) before backing off. You do it as many times as you can
stand—and then, when those, ahem, fireworks do go off, the climax is thatmuch
more intense.
10. Don't
sweat the small stuff.
You might be literally sweaty from all the hot teasing, sexting,
and caressing you're doing, but I'm talking figuratively here: If foreplay
doesn't go exactly the way you fantasized, just channel everyone's favorite
Disney princess (that's Elsa, duh) and let it go.
"It's important not to pressure each other to have a specific
type of experience or to impose your definition of foreplay on someone
else," Brito says. Take things as they come, and remember that if
something doesn't work this time around, you can always try it again.
11. If you
wanna change it up, talk it out.
The more you and your partner add foreplay into your everyday, the
easier it'll be to share your wildest sexual fantasies, says Brito. Just
make sure to speak up before getting busy.
"If you're curious about exploring a specific type of
foreplay"—perhaps you're thinking in kinky terms—"it's best to talk with
your partner and obtain consent before trying something new," she says.
Okay,
but how? Well, if you're an open Kama Sutra, you likely won't have a problem
telling your partner what you want.
If you're in a new relationship or just naturally more shy,
though, you could try broaching a fantasy by telling your partner you had a
sexy dream or fantasy about them, suggests Kerner. (That's also something you
can sext, btw.) This way, you make your desires known, without putting yourself
or your partner on the spot.
12. Enjoy
the ride.
At this point, you're probably convinced that foreplay is the best
thing since whipped cream to happen to your sex life, right? (Good, I did my
job!) So make sure to take the time to enjoy it—from the second you wake up to
your last satisfied sigh before sleep.
The more you can do that, the more you will have the tools you
need to hone your foreplay skills and seduce your partner, says Buckley.
Couples who master the art of foreplay, she adds, "will inevitably have
sex more often."
And while fooling around on the reg doesn't automatically mean
you'll live happily ever after, "when foreplay is done with intention,
it's likely to enhance a romantic relationship tenfold," says Brito.
- Womenshealthmag
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