Money is the number one cause of conflict in relationships.
A few years ago, a reader pointed out to me that I didn’t write about money enough. “Seeing as money is the #1 thing that couples fight about, it’s interesting to me that you don’t write about it more often.” And they were right!
So, I decided that I am going to be talking about money and financial issues more in my writing.
#1: Judging or resenting each other’s spending habits
By far one of the most common arguments that couples have about money is regarding their partner’s spending habits. Regardless of whether or not you are married and have pooled resources, it’s understandable that people carry tension around how their partners spends their money.
If they’re a shopaholic when they’re stressed out and you want to eventually move in with them, you could worry that they’re going to spend your money just as frivolously. Or, if you see them being careless with their cash your mind might project that you’ll never have enough money to have a solid emergency fund for future expenses that surprise you.
Whatever the fear is underlying the tension, and regardless of whether or not you share a mortgage, judging or resenting each other’s spending habits is a very common source of tension between romantic partners.
#2: Arguments surrounding disparity of income
Unless both people in the relationship work the same job at the same place with the same level of seniority, some level of income disparity is inevitable. If that gap is significant, then that fact is bound to put some stress on the relationship.
Maybe you make 3-5x the income than your partner, and so money is less of a stressor for you (or vice versa). Or, perhaps the lower income earning partner overspends their partner’s money and their partner resents it.
Whatever the nuance of the situation, a disparity of income brings up its own issues to be addressed.
#3: Fights surrounding paying off debt
If one or both of you have significant debts to be paid off (student loans, credit card debt, mortgage), this can be a major point of contention. You might argue on the way in which you plan to pay it off, who is responsible for paying it off, or on what timeline you would like to handle it.
Debt can be like a dark cloud that looms over your psyche, and it looms heavier and darker over some people more than others.
#4: Who controls the cash flow
This is a big one. In many relationships, one partner controls and manages all of the finances, and the other person buries their head in the sand (figuratively speaking).
Inevitably, this can result in an unhealthy power dynamic where one person feels disempowered, and the other feels in control, but also stressed out from the constant sense of responsibility.
#5: Decisions surrounding major purchases
Financial decisions surrounding major purchases like cars, houses, schooling, vacations, and whether or not to have children can all be major stressors in a relationship. Not only are the decisions significant because they impact the fundamental structure of your lives, but they also cause you both to absorb a financial hit in exchange.
It’s no wonder that decisions like these would cause conflict between romantic partners.
#6: Saving habits
How each person saves (or doesn’t save) their money is another common source of conflict in intimate relationships. Maybe one of you is a penny pincher who manages to save and invest over 50 percent of their monthly income, while the other one is in their late 40's and has less than $1,000 in their bank account.
The how’s, why’s, and when’s of saving money are all important, and the importance of those things is exacerbated when your financial decisions also impact your significant other’s life.
AUTHOR
Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate relationships. You can see more of his writing at Jordan Gray Consulting.
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