To be effective at work or in your home, you have to be listened to.
Children gain their sense of self-worth by being taken seriously, and
this involves, first and foremost, paying attention to what they're
saying. As adults, the need is almost as great. If you can't hold
someone else's attention, they will discount your opinions and
suggestions--in the worst case, they will discount you.
So if you
find yourself not being listened to, what's the reason? This isn’t a
blame game. It's not that you are doing something wrong or the other
person is at fault. Instead, there's a communication problem, and
communication is a two-way street. With that in mind, here are seven
reasons that others aren't listening to you.
1. You lost them
early on. As simple as this sounds, it's the number one reason people
stop listening. They missed the point early on, a stitch was dropped,
and so they tune out.
2. They're distracted. Something else is claiming their attention while you are trying to get it.
3. They're not interested but don't have a nice way of telling you so.
4. They are forced to listen to so many people that they tune out automatically.
5. You've touched a nerve. The other person has private beliefs that you've encroached upon.
6. Wrong timing. You've entered the situation at a time when the other person isn't prepared to listen.
7. You're trying too hard, putting stress on the other person. Stress causes everyone to stop listening.
All
of these things can be corrected by looking and listening to what's
actually happening in a situation. In the last LinkedIn post I discussed
how to develop the skill of paying attention, which is essential if you
want any situation to go your way. Here we can accomplish a single
goal--getting someone else to listen to you--by reversing the things
that make them tune out.
To really be listened to:
1.
Don't overload your argument or position. Reduce it to one point. Make
sure you are satisfied with this one point, and state if clearly, then
wait. Look for signs that the other person heard you. If you observe
that they aren't following you, stop and say, "What do you think?".
At all costs, don't lose your audience by trying to make so many points that they tune out after the first one or two.
2.
Choose a time and place when the other person isn't distracted.
Sometimes this isn't easy, because office life bombards everyone with
constant distractions. If you can, either make an appointment or say,
"What's a good time?" Don't say, "Is this a good time?" because most
people will be polite and say yes when they don't mean it. Under those
circumstances, you won't be listened to.
3. Talk to interested people. Trying to cold call on someone who
isn't receptive will only demoralize you. Even if you push past their
indifference, they will resent you for intruding. The best approach is
to ask if they are interested. You'll get some no's, but at least the
exchange will be honest. Also, inquire privately to see if someone is
interested by asking friends and colleagues.
4. Many very busy
people have learned to fake listening because of the constant demand on
their time. Don't join the line of those who will not be listened to.
Instead, have someone who actually has this person's ear provide an
entree. To get Mr. Big to listen to you, you must first get to the
people he already listens to.
5. It's always embarrassing if you
unwittingly touch a nerve in your listener. If you see that it's
happened, apologize and leave. Don't try to back and fill. It won't
work.
6. If you have come at a bad time and didn't know it, back
out immediately. Don't say, "This will only take a second." People stop
listening when they hear this. Ask to re-schedule later, not on the
spot.
7. Don't try too hard. Even if you push hard enough to get
your way, you will be resented. This sets you up for being shut out
later. The secret here is to establish rapport. Be personable and
sincere. Everyone can tell when they are being softened up, so don't do
that. You have established rapport when the other person smiles,
uncrosses his arms, meets your gaze, and looks relaxed.
I hope
these points open your eyes to the value of knowing how to get other
people's attention. This is such an important topic that we'll continue
it in the next post.
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