Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith may be the most high-profile
“monogamish” couple we have — that we know of — aside from the man who
coined the term in the first place, Dan Savage, and his husband Terry
Miller.
That is to say: They are married, in a partnership of equals, that isn’t entirely monogamous. And it’s OK.
In
a recent radio interview with Howard Stern, Jada — who stars as mob
boss Fish Mooney on the TV series Gotham — addressed rumours that have
persisted for years that the couple have an open marriage. She won’t use
the exact phrase “open marriage” to describe the couple’s arrangement.
She has characterized it as “grown.”
“You’ve got to trust who
you’re with, and at the end of the day, I’m not here to be anybody’s
watcher,” Jada told Stern, remixing an answer she gave to HuffPost
Live’s Marc Lamont Hill in April 2013.
“I’m not his watcher. He’s a
grown man and here’s what I trust: I trust that the man that Will is,
is a man of integrity. So, he’s got all the freedom in the world. He’s
got all the freedom in the world. And as long as Will can look himself
in the mirror and be OK, I’m good.”
These sentiments echo a 2013 post she made on Facebook:
“Should
we be married to individuals who cannot be responsible for themselves
and their families within their freedom?” she wrote.
“Should we be
in relationships with individuals who we cannot entrust to their own
values, integrity, and LOVE … for us??? Here is how I will change my
statement … Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST
each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship …
this means we have a GROWN one.”
Savage, a sex and relationship
advice columnist and editor of The Stranger, has long advocated that
otherwise-healthy relationships not be destroyed on the basis of sex
alone, especially when children are involved.
The Smiths have two
children, Jaden, 16, and Willow, 14. Will also has a son, Trey, 22, from
a previous relationship. They have always been extremely effusive in
their praise for each other and their talents.
“Thank God I have a
husband who’s just a gangster partner,” Jada told Stern. “Can you
imagine taking that ride together, from 25 to 44? Woooooo! We have
travelled. And you’ve got to be strong.” That’s not to say their
relationship hasn’t seen its ups and downs — a few years ago, they were
dogged by rumours of an impending breakup, but it never materialized.
Savage has been advocating for years for mutually-agreed-upon
monogamish relationships — not for everyone, but for couples for whom it
works. And he has argued there are quite a few practitioners, celebrity
and everyday alike, who simply don’t publicize the inner negotiations
of their relationships that are often spoken about in hushed tones of
“arrangements” or “marriages of convenience” or other flowery
euphemisms.
Jada’s forthrightness, or at least, the absence of
denial or efforts to conceal their choices, goes a long way in
communicating that this is something that needn’t be shrouded in shame.
If anything, the openness of the Smiths might go far in normalizing a
practice that people have been quietly employing for decades, if not
longer.
“When you can look in your man’s eyes and know that he’s holding you down and that he loves you —
“You
know what, Howard? Here’s what’s real — I’m not the kind of woman that
believes that a man is not going to be attracted to other women,” Jada
told Stern.
“I’m just not that girl. It’s not realistic. Just
because your man is attracted to another woman doesn’t mean he doesn’t
love you.”
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