7 Important Talks All Couples Should Have Before Getting Married

If you're thinking about getting hitched, there's a good chance you and your partner have some arguing to do. And we’re not just talking about who takes out the trash, puts the dishes away, or walks Fido at 5 a.m. We’re talking bigger-picture, make-or-break kinds of debates. “It’s impossible for everyone to agree on everything—arguing illustrates an ability to be true to yourself and real with your partner,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship.

We asked top relationship experts to share the key convos you should spark up with your partner before you say “I do.”

 

Maybe when you first started dating, sparks flew left and right every time you two got down and dirty. But if one or both of you isn’t always raring to go like you used to be, that’s perfectly normal, says Greer. “You won’t always be able to be sexually intimate each time the other person is in the mood, but it’s important to address your sexual goals and expectations before you commit to a lifetime together.” Have a discussion about things you can do to keep excitement and passion alive. Bring up any fantasies or preferences you might have so your partner is in the know. “Don’t sit back and expect your needs to be met—sometimes you have to ask for it!” says Greer.

 

This is the topic most married couples fight about the most—and for good reason. “Money is the one area that touches nearly every aspect of your relationship, and even more so in marriage,” says Dawn Michael, Ph.D. “If one of you is a saver and the other is a spender, discuss how you can compromise your habits to accommodate both your personal expenditures and the ones you share as a couple.” The goal is to budget successfully so that you can create a life together that hopefully involves a car, house, and perhaps some children whom you plan on getting through college. To achieve this goal, you’ll have to have discussions—many of which will turn into fights—about spending, saving, and everything in between.

 

You both grew up in different households, with different parents, different siblings, and most likely in different towns or even areas of the world. So it’s a given that you’re going to have different levels of closeness with your family members. Maybe you talk on the phone with your mom four times a day, and he checks in with his 'rents via email once a month. But once you join forces and get married, how you interact with your family members can cause resentment or lack of comfort. “If you and your partner have different ideas about how much time to spend with family and how much information those family members should know, it can create a rift between you as a couple,” says Greer. “It only gets more difficult once kids are in the picture, so make sure you’re on the same page and come to a compromise that works for both of you now.”

 

Know this: Your closet will never be the same as it was when you lived solo. Who hangs their clothes up where is a serious conundrum, one you’ll absolutely fight about again and again and again. “No one wants to feel crowded or like they don’t have the room they need to live comfortably,” says Greer. The same goes for organization of the rest of the house. “Decide who does what chores and which roles each person should assume when it comes to cohabitating—even if you don’t yet live together,” says Michael. “If one person is a neat freak and the other is a wrecking ball, this can present a serious problem.” The best way to handle this sitch? Come up with solutions for how you can live together harmoniously—without blaming the other person for being messy or uptight. If you can’t live together, chances are the marriage isn’t going to survive.

For most of us non-Kardashians, working full-time is a necessity. But it’s still important to discuss things like working after-hours or on weekends. “If you communicate and have an open, honest talk about your expectations, you’re avoiding a future filled with fights about the same things over and over again—i.e. ‘You’re late for dinner, again,’ or ‘You always break your promises,’” says Greer. “You don’t want to feel left behind or like the other person’s first love is work, not you.” Make sure that work doesn’t get in the way of your relationship’s ability to grow over time, says Dr. Grant Brenner, M.D. “What if one person wants to pack up and move for a job promotion? Is the other willing to sacrifice their own career or leave their family?” Asking questions and coming up with solutions to these very real scenarios now can help you cope in the future if and when these situations arise.

 

Yep, sh*t just got real. But the decision of whether or not to have children can be the straw that breaks your relationship’s back. “And the discussion doesn’t just stop there,” says Brenner. “There’s still the need to agree on how you want to raise them, how you want to discipline them, how you want to handle conflict between siblings, etc.” What if there’s an unexpected pregnancy and you aren’t ready for a child, or you already have all the kids you want? “Having this fight can make or break you as a couple, so it’s good to get it all out in the open to determine whether it makes sense for you to move forward in your relationship," says Brenner. 

 

What does the concept of being married mean to you—and what does it mean to your partner? “There are many unspoken assumptions about the idea of marriage that may not ring true for one or both people in the relationship,” says Brenner. “For example, from a gender point of view, what if the man has ‘traditional’ ideas for ‘his’ wife, like when they have kids will she stop working and care for the home? If she doesn’t see it that way or they never talked about it in the first place, it can create a lot of tension—even enough for a divorce.” Having a talk about what each person wants and expects out of a marriage can help you decide whether or not you’re truly meant to be.