Seven Thoughts You Have During Sex That Totally Screw with Your Orgasm

The female orgasm can be hard to come by from a purely physical standpoint. And when your mind gets involved—forget about it. “Women especially complain about not being able to turn off their minds and focus on sex or even masturbating,” says Karen Stewart, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in sexual dysfunction and relationships.

Problem is, we have so damn much going on that it’s tough to completely disconnect. “Women are more prone to distracting thoughts because they often have numerous roles in their lives and feel more guilt about sex,” says Stewart.
Yeah, we bet this isn't exactly news to you. But that doesn't mean you have to suck it up and accept orgasm defeat.
Instead, check out these super common O-blocking thoughts and how to shut them down.

 

Because life isn't fair, your guy can probably orgasm in a matter of minutes. So he (or you) might expect a similar response. “There are some very basic physiological differences in male orgasms versus the female orgasm,” says Emily deAyala, a certified sex therapist and president of REVIVE Therapy & Healing in Houston.
Not only will it take you longer—roughly 15 to 30 minutes as opposed to two to 10 for him—you'll likely need clitoral stimulation to get you there. “Women can feel pressure to have an orgasm the way guys do, but it just doesn’t work that way for a lot of women,” says deAyala. She encourages women who are distracted by the pressure to finish faster to focus on their senses. You can try breathing deeply and taking in how he smells, looks, feels, etc. “That makes it more of a sensual experience, which can make a big difference,” she says. (Get closer to that O in record time with these sex toys from the Women's Health Boutique.)

Work is the last thing you want on your mind when things get steamy. But somehow, the things you forgot to do find a way to sneak attack you during sex. Obvi, these thoughts can derail your sexual experience, says Stewart. “Women often carry guilt for taking care of themselves," she says. "So it is not surprising that intrusive thoughts like these pop into your mind when you're trying to relax.” 
Your move: Switch your thoughts back to your V just as quickly as the other thoughts entered your mind, says Stewart. Or, if staying fully present just isn’t going to happen, schedule sex for the weekend when you’re less distracted by work to-dos.

 

Concerns that your vag is somehow unsexy can really inhibit pleasure, says deAyala. Rather than feeling turned on, your brain is stressing over body image worries.
The best way to overcome these concerns is to educate yourself on the many shapes and sizes vulvas come in, says deAyala. Every one of them is normal! Just do a Google image search for "vagina." deAyala says that she refers women to websites that have pictures of vulvas to get a feel for the variety out there. “Once you see that, I think you'll feel that there’s nothing abnormal about yours.”

 

 

Women who come from cultural or religious backgrounds that prize virginity might be challenged to let go during sex. “Women have a little bit more of a cultural barrier to sex than men do,” says deAyala. Decades of considering sex shameful could keep you from the big O. Just know that there's nothing wrong with two consenting adults doing the dirty. If you struggle to get over this deep-seated issue, try meeting with a therapist to help you fully recover, she says.

 

TFW you’re thisclose to climaxing and you feel like your bladder’s going to burst. Yep, makes sense why you’d tense up. “A lot of women worry that they’re going to pee, so they’ll hold back and squeeze the pelvic floor, which can inhibit an orgasm,” says deAyala. Next time, just let go, and rest assured the chances of peeing all over him are extremely low.

When you’re in the moment, it’s perfectly normal for your mind to wander to a celeb crush or even a steamy encounter you had with an ex. But once you realize you're thinking about anyone but your S.O., that shame throws you off the path to O-Town. “Women report feeling more guilt over their fantasies than their male partners,” says Stewart. Ditch the shame: Recalling positive imagery when you’re having sex is totally normal, she says. So put that in your spank bank and use it.

Worrying about your kids (your parents, roomies, or anyone else) can keep you from coming even close to climaxing. Put your mind at easy by taking basic measures to avoid mental disruptions, says Stewart. Turn off your phone, lock your door, and put some music or the TV on to cancel out noise, she says. And don’t feel bad about temporarily ditching your mom hat to get your freak on. “You're a woman and a sexual being just as much as you are a mom,” says Stewart. Amen.