HEALTHY SEX: Water Sex is the Worst

No one's having fun on this water ride.

Listen, consenting, safe-sex practicing adults should be able to get their freak on however and whenever they please but I cannot support anyone's decision to have sex in or around the water for several reasons. 1. It doesn't work, logistically. If you've ever tried to have sex standing up then you know your body parts just don't line up that way. 2. It doesn't actually feel good at all and 3. There's a decent shot you'll end up smacking your face into a tiled wall.

Shower sex sounds like a multitasker’s dream come true. But in reality it's a waterboarding, mascara running, slippery death trap that will leave you looking less Little Mermaid and more Samara from “The Ring.” And women definitely get the short end of the soap-on-a-rope in this scenario, too. Let me know how sexy you feel when you can't see anything and water's shooting up your nose. It's hard to concentrate when your head is repeatedly hitting the wall you're bracing yourself against, too.

If, for some god-forsaken reason, you're considering fornicating in an ocean, pond, or elsewhere…reconsider. It might seem romantic, but all that water can lead to a lot of red, hot chafing as your natural lubricants are washed away.

"Sex can be very uncomfortable in water," said Dr. Neha Bhardwaj, an attending OB-GYN at Mt. Sinai St. Luke's Hospital. "It could cause micro-abrasions or little tears inside the vagina," she said. Fun.

But that's not all! From a sexual health perspective, it's actually bad for you: "The bacteria in a lake or a river can throw off a woman's PH, causing yeast infections or vaginosis," Dr. Bhardwaj told the Daily News.

And for those of you who somehow still believe that you can't get knocked-up if you have sex in the water, listen to the good doctor's appeal to your better judgement. "Please," she pleaded, "include that you can get pregnant if you have unprotected sex in water."