"They kept touching my hair."
In the new hit movie Get Out, an interracial couple heads to
suburbia to complete a milestone moment that's stressful for any
couple: meeting the parents. We don't want to give too much away, so
let's just say that things do not go well when Rose introduces her black boyfriend, Chris, to her white family.
Here we've asked couples who've dealt with cultural differences
between their parents and their partners for their thoughts on
navigating prejudice, breaking through stereotypes, and whether love
conquers all.
"I was nervous. His aunt lives in the projects in the Bronx and everyone there is black (I'm white), so I stuck out. It was Thanksgiving,
so there were tons of people there, and I felt like everyone was
looking at me. But once I found commonalities with his family, the skin
color didn't matter as much. They were warm and open. We bonded over
football and TV shows and passed around funny memes on our phones.
Before I knew it, I was Facebook friends with half of his cousins and
making plans to go ice skating with his aunt the next week. So it ended
up going really well. I was apprehensive about being the only white girl
because of what's going on in the world. I thought they'd judge me, but
they didn't. They're cool people." —Alli, 28
"As a biracial child
(black and Hispanic), I never received any flack from my mother
concerning who I dated. I was engaged twice, first to a black woman,
second to a white woman. My mother liked both of them because they loved
me. I think my mother was surprised when I said I was engaged to a
white woman, but she never made an issue of it. Whether I'm with a black
or white woman, meeting their parents is always interesting. Since my
skin is lighter, I think I got more flack from black parents. I can
think of one black mother who despised me. She was never warm or
welcoming. Conversely, I dated a white woman who had a racist
stepfather, and he actually warmed up to me significantly. I never
actually knew he was racist until one of her family members remarked how
much he liked me, even though he's said negative things about black
people on more than one occasion." —Hashim, 40
"My friends and I cracked jokes about our school's international Asian
students to each other (now, I realize that was wrong), and some of
those jokes would get relayed to my family. So when I told my mom that
my new boyfriend was 100 percent Chinese, she couldn't help but laugh at
the irony. On top of that, no one else in my family has ever dated
someone who wasn't white. When my parents were preparing to meet my
boyfriend for the first time, I panicked. My boyfriend and I had already
had our own growing pains: We have polar opposite tastes in food and
were raised in very different family settings. So before my parents met
him, I sat them down and explained that Robert came from a totally
different culture, but he's happy to talk about it openly and answer
their questions. But, honestly, the first meeting was so awkward. I
think I just made everyone really nervous about offending each other
when I tried to smooth out concerns before they met. They didn't connect
at first, but now everyone respects and likes each other. Being in an
interracial relationship was a wake up call that we have a lot more to
learn about people from outside our own cultures than we realize." —Natalie, 26
"As a black guy who grew up in a white town, I've had just about every
reaction under the sun when it comes to meeting parents for the first
time. Reactions that ranged from 'Oh... he's black,' to less nice words.
I'm usually on edge when meeting parents who aren't black for the first
time. But when I met my current partner's parents (she's white), I was
happy to find a lot of my fears were pointless. Her parents are lovely
and acted exactly how I wanted them to. Race was irrelevant. This is
really rare for me and was definitely a breath of fresh air. But when I
met my partner's extended family, things got a little wild. They touched
my hair, kept calling me handsome (but in the way that's super
objectifying), and kept telling me how they were Democrats (I'm not a
Democrat), hated Trump (we agree there), and loved Obama (not really a
fan either)." —Fred, 29
"I'm from a really small town with only one
African-American family. Since interracial dating wasn't something [my
parents] ever encountered or considered, we'd never discussed it. My
now-husband Joe was in a really intense drama program for his MFA—and I
made the decision not to tell my parents about his ethnicity until I was
sure this was a sure thing. I just didn't want it to cloud our
relationship, or frankly, kill the buzz. So while they knew who he was
and spoke on the phone, they had no idea he was black until almost a
year later when I asked if he could come home for Thanksgiving. My mom
was really worried about what the neighbors would think. It was typical
of her (she had similar reactions to my high school style), but my dad
said, 'forget about it; bring him home,' and took the drama out of the
situation. It was actually fine. They asked him to stay inside, fearing
that he'd be targeted and picked up by the police in a small, white
town. The truth is that getting to know people of other races is the
best way to combat racism.
I did hear someone in my hometown refer to him as 'Margaret's colored
boyfriend.' It wasn't meant as an attack, but it shows how out of touch
people are. When we got engaged,
the prospect of having a biracial child became another pain point with
my mom. She thought our child would have a hard road in the world, but
we talked through it. Now, of course, she's obsessed with her biracial
granddaughter and proudly parades up the church aisle on Sundays when
I'm back home." —Margaret, 44
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"I am a Caucasian male, and I married a native Guatemalan woman. We fell in love fast and got married on our third date
(literally the same day as I asked her to marry me). Of course, given
the timeframe, we only asked a few friends to a simple church wedding. I
neglected to tell my parents because they were very prejudiced. After a
few months, I decided it was time to drop the news on them. They lived
over 200 miles away, so my wife (Claudia), her son, and I made it into a
road trip. My parents ran a small store in the mountains, and my new
family and I strolled in unannounced. They knew instantly what had
happened when they saw me walk in, arm-in-arm with my lady. The looks on
their faces when I introduced her to them were indescribable. They were
trying to be nice, but they weren't happy. I had warned Claudia and her
son in advance, but nonetheless they were upset. It was a very tense
day, as you can imagine. Over the next few years, Claudia began talking to my mother,
and eventually they became more or less friends. It took a lot of work
on Claudia's part, however, to break through my mom's mindset on other
races." —Richard, 56
"It was super easy to tell my parents I was dating someone outside of my
race (I'm Hispanic, he's white). I was more concerned that he had a
small nose ring and two tattoos on his arm (which they ended up being
fine with). My mom was more worried about whether or not he'd like her
cooking and asked me several times if he liked rice and beans. But he
loves her cooking (and my cooking!) and has acclimated well to my love
for adobo. My family liked him a lot and wanted to teach him Spanish.
They were surprised he was cool with my fiery, sometimes loud
Hispanic-ness (it's a stereotype but it's accurate for me). We've been
together for five years, and they love him even more now because he's
good to me, makes me happy, and he's an all around exceptional human
being." —Stephanie, 32
"Bringing my Jewish boyfriend to Texas to meet my Mexican friends and
extended family was probably where the stereotypes cropped up. He wore
his white socks with sandals in public because it was comfortable (he
said). He balked just slightly at having to listen to Tejano music for
several hours straight. But, otherwise, I saw him be his warm,
easy-going self. He really seemed to embrace the food and culture. On
the flipside, I remember attending my first Passover and being terrified
of eating or drinking the wrong thing at the wrong time. But everyone
was very kind and gracious and walked me through it all. I remember
reading the passages and comparing it to the Catholic teachings of my
youth. I thought about how we're more the same than we are different.
His parents were friendly, but I was definitely not what they expected.
Their first questions were asking what I do for a living, what my
parents do for a living, where I went to school, what degree I graduated
with. It certainly felt more like an interview than any other time I've
met a boyfriend's parents!" —Yasmin, 32
By Danielle Page
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