Technology changes, but manners never go out of style.
Emily Post’s guides to etiquette have been the go-to source for manners
in America for nearly a century, and now her descendants are carrying
on her work.
The 19th edition of “Emily Post’s Etiquette,” by Post’s
great-great-grandchildren Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning, stays
true to the spirit of her original guides while updating and expanding
Post’s advice for the modern world.
Some may hear the word “etiquette” and assume it refers mostly to
stuffy and outdated rules about which fork to use at a fancy dinner. But
manners also help social interactions go smoothly, and as society
evolves, questions will always arise about how to handle situations
without pain or awkwardness.
At its heart, the authors point out, etiquette is about communication
and relationships. With the ability to talk to friends instantly via
text, or reach thousands on our social media accounts, we should take
extra care to communicate respectfully.
And so “Emily Post’s Etiquette” pays special attention to the type of
communicating we do online and on our personal devices. Texting, for
example: Treat texting like you would a regular conversation, the
authors advise. That means it’s probably rude to put off answering a
text, or to bombard someone with messages. And if you need to break bad
news, you should do it with a call or in person, not with a text.
At 722 pages, the guide is a hefty dictionary-sized tome that covers
all manner of, well, manners — from common courtesies to the workplace
to dealing with grief and loss. It even offers advice for how to address
the Pope.
There’s a big chapter on weddings, a staple of etiquette guides. This
one covers protocol for engagement announcements, invitations, wedding
planning, attire and the one everyone has the most questions about:
gifts. (Some pro-tips: It’s usually not necessary to bring a gift to an
engagement party, but it varies, and it’s OK to ask the hosts. And
gift-givers are allowed to get you something that’s not on your
registry!)
The most interesting additions to this book reflect the way both
technology and social norms have evolved, even since the previous
edition was released in 2011. Image and personal branding online have
become even more crucial to our work and social lives. We’re connected
to everyone on dozens of apps, sometimes leading to awkward or
embarrassing encounters.
It’s acceptable to ignore a friend request, untag yourself from a
photo, unfriend someone or ignore “widely marketed event requests,” the
authors write.
But “virtual manners” are still a thing, and there’s no reason to ditch
the “golden rule of etiquette” of treating people respectfully, even if
you think you’re posting anonymously. Think about how what you post
publicly or send in a message reflects on you. The authors go a step
further and point out a thoughtful person would put extra care into
being polite when writing short messages online or in a text, since it’s
harder to convey tone of voice and nuance.
In another instance of the internet shaping our lives, online dating
makes a cameo in the dating chapter. A piece of advice some desperate
Tinder-ers may need to hear: If you don’t hear back after your second
message, give up and move on. And when you do meet a date in person,
ordinary social rules still apply. Be on time, put a little effort into
your appearance, make eye contact and “be a good conversationalist.”
The book even addresses “ghosting” — and reminds us it’s a bad idea.
Technology isn’t the only thing that’s evolved in the last 100 years;
there’s also been social progress. The authors now include diverse
families in their chapters on home life: unmarried couples with
children, parents who choose to be single, same-sex couples. These
probably wouldn’t have featured in their great-great-grandmothers’
books.
They could do a little more work on issues of race, sexuality and
gender, though. Something not addressed is the use of preferred pronouns
to fit with someone’s gender identity, so maybe that’s something to add
for the next edition. And with all the time spent on how to address a
husband and wife in a letter, we don’t learn what to do in the case of a
same-sex married couple.
Sometimes, the Post family makes etiquette seem simple, and even
entertaining. Then, you become dazed by the complex formula of formal
wedding invitations.
But the great thing about “Emily Post’s Etiquette” is you can take from
it what you need. It’s wonderfully indexed and divided into chapters.
Anyone who’s looking to brush up on their social graces, has a burning
question about writing thank-you notes, or just wants a fascinating look
at how etiquette fits into our modern world will find it essential
reading.
“Emily Post’s Etiquette, 19th Edition” is out now from William Morrow.
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