Why Acting Defensively Can Hold You Back And How To Overcome This Behavior

We all know that communication is of paramount importance. But it’s not just what you say and how often you say it. It’s also — perhaps even more so — about how you listen. This is especially true when you’re in a leadership position. Stephen Covey famously advised, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” A more folksy adage is that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

I recently saw the danger of not following Covey’s advice during a challenging communication with the CEO of a company that I invested in, which has recently hit some self-inflicted turbulence. It was my intent to gently make suggestions without telling the CEO exactly what to do. I tried to articulate that I had spent time thinking about the problem, had seen a similar situation before, and wanted to help. Unfortunately, the CEO heard my counsel as criticism, which led to a debate marked by intense emotions, rather than a collegial dialogue that could have solved the issue at hand.

If there’s one thing I learned in 35 years in the fast moving tech industry it’s that sometimes leaders and managers miss important cues from advisors or employees because they’re not listening carefully enough, they’re not paying close attention to nonverbal cues, or they’re distracted by other things. That’s not acceptable. Active listening is a skill all executives have to master in order to succeed with their board, their employees, their customers, and their community. A few ways to hone these skills:

• Be open to others’ thoughts. Realize that everyone is entitled to their opinions and perceptions, even if you disagree with them.

• Make sure you follow Covey’s advice of seeking first to understand. Keep asking questions until you have drained all the points the person hoped to make. If someone looks uncomfortable or attempts to change the subject, there is likely more on their mind. Make it safe for them to share their thoughts.

• Ask clarifying questions. Don’t say judgmental things like, “You’re wrong.” Instead, say, “That’s an interesting perspective, I need to think about it.”

• Don’t act defensively or disregard what you’ve been told. You can share your perspective, but at the end you should repeat what you’ve heard and have alignment around next steps to correct the situation.

• Lead with inspiration, not fear. If every discussion is a battle, people have to decide how much energy they want to expend and where, and you won’t get engagement unless there’s something really wrong. Replace a command-and- control culture with one that is inspiration-based and gives everyone a chance to make meaningful contributions. The very best companies are led by inspiration — not by fear or power. Problems will happen at all companies, but people do their best work when their company’s cultures are based on getting the best from everyone, being open, celebrating problems and fixing them fast, and making everyone feel safe to help the company achieve its destiny.

Taking a step back, we all understand that leaders are required to take risks at times and that demands standing one’s ground. That’s a strength. However, it becomes a weakness when you become so committed to your belief that you don't listen to what’s not working and you aren't open to iterating and modifying your vision.

Forbes