Sometimes, on social media, well-meaning people give this advice:
“Stay away from negative people.” It always troubles me. I can
understand avoiding “toxic” people such as bullies, sociopaths,
conflict instigators and destroyers of the good. In fact, the medical
recommendation in many cases is to do just that – walk away, don’t look
back and hang up the phone if you answer and it is your tormenter. (See The Empathy Trap: Understanding Antisocial Personalities by Dr’s Jane and Tim Mc Gregor)
However, “negative” people, unlike “toxic” people, may be more about
vulnerability and less about vice. The label seems unfair if there is an
underlying frailty.
What is a negative person and why are they negative? Here is a definition of negativity from the web dictionary;
“Negativity is a tendency to be downbeat, disagreeable, and
skeptical. It's a pessimistic attitude that always expects the worst.
Negative outcomes are bad outcomes like losing a game, getting a
disease, suffering an injury, or getting something stolen.”
This description of negativity sounds very much like the sadness,
irritability, hopelessness and catastrophic thinking that are part of depression or anxiety. (Depression and anxiety are often intertwined in the same person.)
So negativity is not necessarily about ingrained disposition. It
could be derailment. A person might be basically positive, but have
been ransacked. An optimistic,
more naturally cheery person can be thwacked by circumstances, chronic
or acute, and appear to be an Eeyore when they are really a Pooh. (From
A.A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh.)
We have all been there. A breakup, homesickness, illness, betrayal,
job loss, a biological illness or a lifetime of little assaults/empathic
flaws on the part of caregivers takes a toll. It is very difficult to
smile when you want to cry and it is a great relief when you can tell
someone what is actually going on. All this to say that the “negative”
person may be a suffering person, and could use reach-out rather than
stay-away. If their despair shows up in the form of irritability or even
hostility, it may be worth trying to perceive the deeper issue. It
might help them personally, enhance the interpersonal dynamic and
improve the milieu.
Pessimistic leanings do exist but even this is not necessarily a
negative. These people are good preparers, critical thinkers and serious
planners.
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