Sometimes there is pattern that one begins to see in oneself: A
relationship starts and is filled with hope, only to end all too soon.
If this happens to you, may I suggest 5 reasons why this might be the
case and make some suggestions for breaking the pattern?
We all bring in what we might call “excess baggage” from our family
of origin.
This includes both your partner and you. It may be a good
idea, when the time is right, to gain insight into any hurtful patterns
that either your partner or you have brought into the current
relationship. For example, was it a norm to show a hot temper in the
family? If so, this could be spilling over into your current
relationship in that your partner (or you) never had such an norm which
is offensive to the other. Solution: Try to see the norms that have
formed early in your life, discuss those that are stressful to your
partner or you, and make the necessary adjustments. Second, try
practicing forgiveness
toward family-of-origin members who have created some less-than-healthy
norms for you (see Enright, 2012 for an approach to forgiving).
We can bring in this “excess baggage” from past relationships that have
failed. The particularly hazardous issue is damaged trust. If you have
had a harsh breakup, or even a divorce,
there is a tendency not to trust a new partner even if this person is
good to you. On a 1-to-10 scale, what is your trust level in general
toward any potential partner? If the scores in below 5, you may need to
work on trust. Solution: Try to forgive the past partner(s) for
damaging your trust. Second, let trust now build up inch-by-inch in
you as you forgive others from your past. Try to see the goodness in
the new partner. Third, bring out into the open your challenge with
trust so that the new person can help you work this through. You may
have to do all of this for your partner if there is a trust issue from
the past.
A third aspect of “excess baggage” is low self-esteem
or believing the lie that you are not worthy of a lasting
relationship. This kind of low self-esteem can creep up on you until
you are not even aware that your self-worth is low. On the 1-to-10
scale, how worthy do you think you are to have a happy, lasting
relationship? Solution: Cognitively resist the big lie that you are not
worthy. Second, forgive yourself if you have played a part in hurting
past relationships because of either a lack of trust or low self-esteem.
A fourth point is this: Do not let yourself fall into the trap of
defining yourself exclusively by the past. Solution: Be aware of who
you really are as a person. As you bear the pains of the past through
forgiving, then ask yourself: Who am I as I forgive? Am I stronger than
I thought I was prior to forgiving? Am I more compassionate than I had
realized? As you do these kinds of reflections, it is my hope that you
realize this: I have a lot to offer a good partner who can benefit from
my presence and support.
A fifth and final point is this: Try not to let your new partner
fall into the trap of defining the self exclusively by the past. This
person, too, may need the strength of forgiveness with the renewed view
that “I, too, am a person of worth who has good things to offer you.”
Perhaps it is time for a new start in relationships. Some of the 5 points above may help move you in the right direction.
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