Most of us have goals, both big (go back to school and get a master's
degree) and small (pare down that pile of junk mail). What keeps us
from meeting our goals? Why are some goals successfully achieved, while
others remain on our to-do list, nagging us for months or even years at a
time?
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I've written before about how to set goals
that are more likely to be met. And though a few tweaks to your
goal-setting method can have an immense impact on your likelihood of
meeting those goals, for many of us the problem lies not so much in the
goals we set, but the ways we prevent ourselves from meeting them. You
might have the most functional, realistic goals in the world, but if you
engage in self-sabotage, then guess what? Your chance to meet a goal is gone before you even begin.
With my clients, I consistently see the same behaviors keeping them
from taking action. These methods of self-sabotage can prevent them from
getting where they want to be, fixing what they need to fix, and
becoming the person they would love
to be. You may know what you want and be pretty sure of the path you
need to take to get it, but it's not uncommon to be stuck in a rut of
self-sabotage.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors in yourself?
1. Dwelling on "If only...."
We all have regrets, whether they're about something we did (if only I
hadn't dropped out of college), or something we didn't do (if only I'd
stood up for myself more in that relationship). Sometimes we play the
"if only" game about things that we can't control, but that we wish were
different: If we had grown up with different parents, if we were more talented, if our partner could fundamentally change in some way.
These thoughts can follow us around for decades, and the problem with
them is that they don't lead to action. Repeatedly revisiting "if only"
fantasies
when they involve things we can't do anything about keeps us idling in
neutral. Given our lack of a time machine and the inability to overhaul
people other than ourselves, continuing to indulge in these
thoughts brings nothing but further frustration. These thoughts don't
spur action, inspiration, or problem-solving. And worst of all, dwelling
on them keeps the same patterns going (ruminating on how you wasted
your 20s socially may make you less likely to go out and seek good
friendships in your 40s; dwelling on imperfect aspects of your partner
builds resentment that makes your relationship worse).
Try turning "if only" into a different mindset altogether by
accepting what's done, but using this fact to influence your future
actions. Such as, "X is this way, but Y can be that way" or "I can't
undo my past, but I can influence my future" or "I have learned
something from X, which is Y—and here's how I plan to use it to improve
things." Each of these is a new, more functional spin on the "if only"
mindset.
2. Being afraid of your thoughts.
One of the easiest ways to ensure that a thought will have power over
you is to try your hardest to suppress it. Sometimes we do this because
our thoughts terrify us: "This is the third argument my fiancee and I
have gotten in this week. What if it was the wrong choice to get
engaged?" Or because we feel guilty
about having them: "My coworker is just not pulling her weight on this
project. But she's a sweet person and a good friend so I shouldn't rock
the boat."
When you suppress a thought, though, you have no chance to process
it—to understand it, feel it, and perhaps eventually decide that it
doesn't make sense. Ironically, walking around afraid of what your brain
has to say gives your thoughts far too much importance. This is a
hallmark of people who struggle with obsessional thinking. These people
are locked in a battle of trying desperately to get a sticky thought to
go away, mainly because they're so overly distressed by having it in the
first place. But getting trapped in this battle doesn't move you
forward. Try not to think of a rhinoceros in a bikini, and bam—there she
is, and she's wearing quite a hot number!
The more you battle your thoughts, the more you deny yourself the
opportunity to work through them, and the more you keep yourself locked
in a negative pattern. Try acknowledging your thoughts and facing them,
emphasizing that they are just thoughts, and labeling them as such. For
example: "I'm having the thought that it was a mistake to get engaged.
That's probably because I've been stressed out. I don't have to be
afraid of this thought; it is human. I will get a bit more sleep, get over this bad week at work, and see if I feel differently. If I don't, I'll think things through further."
3. Burying your feelings.
A close cousin to avoiding bothersome thoughts is trying to bury or
mask feelings deemed unacceptable. Many people think that to fully
acknowledge feelings means yelling obscenities in the grocery store, or
hysterically wailing at their next staff meeting. But letting yourself
feel things is not the same as unleashing emotions onto the world at
large. In fact, you'll be less likely to unleash feelings in
inappropriate ways if you've actually acknowledged them and worked
through them in the first place. Often times we bury feelings out of
guilt: "I'm angry at my sister for making that comment about my weight.
But she's a sweet person and does so much for me. I have no right to
nitpick." Or fear: "If I let myself feel sad about my breakup, I'll get so depressed I won't even be able to function."
But feelings, when hidden, grow bigger and bigger. And they are prone
to corroding people from the inside out. Emotions don't tend to go away
on their own just because we try to keep them in. It's similar to
repeatedly slamming down a lid onto a pot of water that's boiling over.
You know that if you let the water get a little bit of air—set the lid
so that it doesn't completely cover the pot—you'll soon get a calm,
smooth boil instead of a frothy, rattling mess. Acknowledging your
feelings doesn't make them spin out of control, but putting the lid on
them does.
4. Habitually starting tomorrow.
So, you've eaten a third sleeve of Girl Scout cookies before noon, or
you're completely frustrated that it's three o'clock in the
afternoon and you've gotten little work done. Many times, the natural
reaction is to abandon the rest of the day and visualize the beautiful
blank slate of tomorrow. But it's never tomorrow. If you spend so much
time saving until tomorrow, the habits you want to pick up and the
changes you want to make will always be beyond your reach, because
tomorrow is a constantly moving target.
If you are someone who must have a "clean slate" to get motivated, it
need not be tomorrow. Why not have that clean slate start in one hour?
Or fifteen minutes? This helps stop the surge of all or nothing thinking
that can lead you to write off the rest of the day, getting you farther
and farther from your goals. Even better, instead
of arbitrarily declaring the slate clean because the calendar
flipped over, create a true and meaningful clean slate through
your behavior. Take a brisk walk. Do a brief meditation. Have a quick chat with a friend. Do some breathing exercises. Allow yourself five minutes of a video that makes you laugh. Each of these things can help reset your mind and your productivity
much better than the vague "tomorrow," which, when you think about it,
is never actually here and never really puts you in the driver's seat.
5. Letting inertia harm you rather than help you.
Inertia is fantastic when it's on your side. If you pick up a healthy
habit and maintain it for several weeks in a row—making coffee rather
than buying it, taking the stairs rather than the elevator, sorting your
emails as they come in—it becomes much easier to continue it. But too
often, inertia applies to habits we don't want to have, and activities
that make us feel unproductive and unhealthy. This is the reason why the
psychological clean slate discussed above can be so powerful. We
desperately crave the ability to be free from the things we already view
as tainted: A busted diet, a soured relationship, or a pattern of motivation-killing habits at work. We don't want to salvage any of it. We want to start fresh because it's a much more attractive option.
Here's the thing: Just like in the physical world, we are prone to
staying in motion—or in place—by this force of inertia, and no one
can change it but ourselves. The calendar flipping to a new year,
feelings of being "fed up," new workout gear, or public promises can all
(briefly) jumpstart new behaviors. But they don't address the
underlying inertia, which is truly needed to change long-term behavior.
You must build the right day-to-day structure in order for new habits to
take hold. Otherwise the inertia of the old habits never really goes
away. Yes, those new workout pants are fabulous, but if your gym is
still too far away or too incompatible with your work hours, then you
haven't done anything to address the inertia that prevents you from
going to the gym. Focus not on the jumpstart, but on the overhauling of
the battery to get inertia working for you, rather than against you.
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