Partners Who Stay Together Do Not Forget . . . But They Forgive
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| Picture: Huffington |
Obviously, there are many types of relationship transgressions of
varying amounts of severity. And different types of transgressions mean
very different things. Forgetting to pick up bread and milk at the store
on the way home is far less significant than forgetting to pick up an
important life-sustaining prescription for your spouse.
Across the board, however, one of the most devastating relationship transgressions is infidelity. Yet,
many couples manage to overcome such betrayal; some even grow to have a
stronger relationship. How do they do it? Research indicates the answer
implicates two related concepts: relational commitment and the capacity
to forgive.
Relational Commitment and Forgiveness
Ysseldyk and Wohl (2017) conducted two studies examining the
relationship between relational commitment and transgression.[i] In an
article aptly named “I Forgive Therefore I´m Committed,” they found the
severity of the transgression to be linked with decreased commitment,
although this relationship was mediated by forgiveness. The greater the
amount of forgiveness, the less commitment loss.
They found that after a severe transgression, unforgiveness
caused a decline in relational commitment. Forgiveness helps to preserve
pre-offense commitment when relationships have suffered a severe
transgression.
It is significant to note that although their research did not demonstrate that forgiveness increases relational commitment after a transgression, it apparently mitigates the damage by serving to slow a decline in commitment.
Previous research by Finkel et al. (2002) found a positive
association between relational commitment and forgiveness.[ii] Their
results also indicated that commitment inhibits destructive reactions to
betrayal such as neglect
or leaving the relationship, a result they note can be interpreted in
the alternative, finding that low levels of commitment have no such
inhibitory effect. They acknowledge the importance of this finding in
light of prior evidence that destructive behaviors harm relationships
more than constructive behaviors help them.
When Forgiving Infidelity, Motive Matters
What are the causes of infidelity and does it matter? Research by
Finkel et al. says "yes." They found the commitment-forgiveness link was
mediated by positive cognition,
finding external explanations and extenuating circumstances to explain
partner betrayal, rather than attributing the betrayal to internal
causes.
They give examples of attributing a partner´s betrayal to situational
variables or even to chance, rather than to more malevolent
explanations such as intent or disposition. They explain that forgiving
partners may be more willing to give a partner the benefit of the doubt,
consider the circumstances surrounding the betrayal, or even accept
some measure of personal responsibility for the incident.
Do these behaviors make victims enablers? Although this is clearly
another avenue of important research, it is significant to note that
apparently, systematic external processing of betrayal facilitates
forgiveness.
And let us not forget that men and women view infidelity differently,
depending on whether an affair is physical or emotional. This, in turn,
may impact the ability and willingness to forgive.
Is it Easier to Forgive an Affair of the Heart? Gender Matters
Bendixen et al. (2017) found that heterosexual women were more likely
to perceive emotional affairs as threatening to their relationships
than sexual affairs.[iii] Men appeared to be more willing to forgive
emotional infidelity than women, and more likely to believe their own
emotional infidelity would be forgiven. The authors note this finding is
consistent with research indicating that women are more distressed by
emotional affairs than men.
Miller and Baker (2017) found that men were more likely to engage in
mate abandonment behavior after sexual infidelity than emotional
infidelity, with this pattern reversed for women.[iv] However, when
using a forced-choice measure, women chose abandonment behavior equally
in response to both sexual and emotional infidelity.
They also found that men viewed partners as possessing less mate
value after the partner had been unfaithful sexually as opposed to
emotionally. In addition, men reported they would suffer a higher degree
of emotional distress in response to sexual infidelity than women did.
Forgiving and Moving Forward
Couples who decide to stay together after infidelity are no doubt
well aware of the importance of relational commitment and forgiveness,
regardless of whether the affair was physical or emotional. Counseling is available for partners who decide to heal the relationship and move forward. Many are successful.
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