For better or worse, we’ve inherited a worrying brain. This
was really good news for ancestors who had to survive harsh conditions
and constant predators and did so by being able to pay close attention
to potential threats and dangers. But this is not so helpful for us
modern humans, who can find themselves pulled into future “what if”
thoughts that can fill many an hour of our waking lives.
In my previous blog post (How Worry Takes Us Away From Our Lives),
I
suggested some ways that we might work with minor worries and mental
ruminations. In this one I would like to elaborate and offer some
suggestions for what to do when we are feeling particularly stuck in
intense worry feelings. I find that I personally experience this most
when I am worried about the well-being and health
of a family member or waiting on some resolution of a problem over
which I have little control. Each of us has our own worry triggers, but
the grip of worry is something we all experience.
Here are some things that you can try when you are gripped by worry:
1. Be aware of where your mind is traveling. Often our minds travel to far away places down dark roads, without us being fully aware. For example, it is not uncommon for parents
to experience a behavior crisis with their young child and have
thoughts such as “if he/she is behaving this way now, how are they
possibly going to get through high school and function in life?” Before
they know it, they are 10 years into the future, which is a helpless
feeling because we can’t do anything about something that hasn’t
happened (and often won’t). When this happens, recognizing we are 10
steps into the future can remind us to bring our thinking back to right
now.
Ask: “What is happening today, and is there anything helpful I can do
about it right now?” Look for places where you have control. Maybe
there is a small action step that you can take. For example, someone
worried about their financial future might identify what they can do
now, such as set up a weekly budget, make an appointment to meet with a
financial advisor, or see if there are unneeded items in the house they
might sell. Know that you may not be able to control your initial
worst-case scenario thoughts, but you can choose to keep bringing your
mind back to today when it wanders away to unhelpful places.
2. If a worry is particular consuming, choose an activity that you can engage in mindfully,
something that will allow you to put the focus of your attention on the
task at hand. Folding laundry, cleaning my house, and going for a run
help to step me out of feeling immobilized by my own thoughts and
feelings when they are very intense. For some people it might be
gardening or doing a puzzle. Something that involves the body in motion
or a mental activity can be helpful for bringing our attention to the
present moment. Often when people talk about this they say “I distracted
myself by doing X.” But I like to flip that kind of thinking
around. Our ruminating thoughts are the distraction, pulling us away
from what is actually happening. When we focus our full attention on an
activity, we step back into our lives (and can often dial down the
ruminating part of our brain).
3. Identify the inner and outer resources you have to meet potential challenges.
For example, if you are worried about a medical issue, outer resources
to focus on might include the skilled doctors and nurses that you have
on your team,
books that offer you information about how best to take care of
yourself, or the neighbors who are willing to watch your kids if you
have doctors’ appointments. Inner resources might include your ability
to carefully weigh information and not make impulsive decisions, motivation
to take care of your body in any way you can, or courage that you know
is there because of others challenges you have faced in your life. Bring
your attention to all of the resources you can think of that are there
for you to draw on. Know that they are with you as a source of strength.
4. Call up genuine, positive emotions. As much as we may be gripped by fear, anxiety and worry, we often still have the capacity during these times to experience emotions such as care, love, appreciation, or gratitude. Focusing
on these can help to alleviate pain and suffering. When I was with my
daughter for a medical procedure and was grappling with my worrying
mind, it helped to focus on the kindness and care of the nurses and
doctors, and to send feelings of care and concern to other parents who
were with their children in the hospital. Once you identify a genuine
positive emotion (don’t come up with something that doesn’t feel true
for you), it can be helpful to magnify it and dwell in the feeling. It
isn’t about pushing away difficult emotions, but about calling up
positive emotions that you might otherwise overlook in the face of
intense worries. Dwelling in the love and care of those around you can
be especially helpful during challenging times.
5. Practice self-compassion.
While it is useful to stop or redirect spiraling, unhelpful,
future-based thoughts, it is important that we don’t discount our own
emotions by pushing them away, telling ourselves we are silly to feel
this way, or berating ourselves for having our feelings. Instead, we can
acknowledge that what we are experiencing is difficult. We can offer
compassion and comfort to ourselves the way we might do to a friend
going through a similar situation. We can picture a wise,
loving self holding or being with the younger, scared parts of
ourselves. Letting ourselves know we are on own side can go a long way.
6. Don’t hold your worries alone. Reach out for
support and engage in social connection. This worrying mind is part of
our shared humanity. Knowing that you are not alone, and allowing others
to support you, can help to bring ease to angst and suffering. Too
often people refrain from doing so to avoid burdening others. But others
can offer us perspective and the ability to see a larger picture. They
can simply be with us for support. Some people in our lives might be
best at problem-solving and helping us take actions. Think about what
you might most need from others, and who in your life might best fill
that need. Then don’t be shy
about reaching out. Ask yourself: “If this other person were going
through what I am, would I want them to reach out to me so I could be
there for them?”
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