If you look back over the course of your life, do you feel you took
advantage of every opportunity that came your way? Or, are you living
with the weight of regret? No matter how accomplished you may be, it’s
true that everyone experiences the harsh reality of knowing they failed to take action (link is external) in pursuing something they wanted for themselves.
Is there any other way, really? These are the inevitable
realities of
living a complex life, a life full of ups and downs. And perhaps, in
theory, there’s a small handful of (superpowered) people living
regret-free lives. But for the vast majority of us, regret is a real
thing that we have to face. So whether you bemoan doing something you
wish you hadn’t or miss doing something you wish you had, regret is a
universal emotion. No wonder psychologists have taken a keen interest in
the topic.
The study of regret goes beyond just missed opportunities and
regrettable actions. Recently, researchers have begun to explore the
link between regret and a person’s general self-concept.
They have started asking such questions as: Do you have a clear sense
of who you are, and are you living up to the person you want to be? Are
you living your life in a way that fulfills your duties and
responsibilities to others?
These types of questions motivated a recent study (link is external). Scientists
proposed that a person’s most enduring regrets are more likely to stem
from the discrepancies between actual and “ideal” selves, rather than
between actual and “ought” selves. Put simply, you are much more likely
to dwell on all you could have been than on all you should have been.
A closer look at self-discrepancy theory
The distinction between the couldas and the shouldas is related to how you carve up your sense of self.
According to the psychologist Edward Higgins, a person’s sense of self is made up of three components: actual, ideal, and ought selves (link is external).
The “actual self” is your own basic self-concept, your representation
of the traits and qualities you believe you possess. Your “ideal self”
is the representation of attributes you would like to have ideally, be
it related to your future goals,
wishes, etc. Lastly, your “ought self” is your representation of the
qualities you believe you should possess, based on duties and
obligations that are socially rooted.
When there is a discrepancy between any of these selves, a number of
negative emotions are bound to arise. Specifically, emotions such as
disappointment and sadness result from the belief that you are not
living up to your “ideal” self. In contrast, if you believe you are
failing to live up to your “ought” self, you are more likely to
experience emotions such as guilt and fear (link is external).
Building on this theory, the researchers in the present investigation
wanted to test two hypotheses. First, they predicted that people’s most
enduring regrets result more from the discrepancies between their
actual and ideal selves than their actual and ought selves. Second, they
wanted to discover the specific mechanism responsible for this
difference. They suggested at the outset that the way you cope with
regret affects its longevity in your life. Specifically, failures to
live up to your “ought” self call for more immediate action and coping
efforts to repair the damage. In contrast, failures to live up to your
“ideal” self are perceived as less urgent and are often placed on a back
burner, which in turn makes those regrets more enduring and detrimental
in the long run.
The study and results
To test their hypotheses, the researchers conducted six separate
studies. In the first study, they simply asked the participants which
they regretted more—failing to live up to their ideal selves or their
ought selves. In line with the predictions, the majority of participants
reported experiencing more regret regarding not being the person they
could have been.
In studies 2 and 3, the researchers asked the participants to recall
specific, significant regrets they had experienced in their lives, and
to indicate whether those regrets were more ideal- or ought-based.
Again, as predicted, participants were more likely to regret their
failure to live up to their ideal selves.
Next, in studies 4 and 5, the researchers tested their second
hypothesis: Are coping differences the reason for the increased weight
of ideal-based regret? That is, the researchers predicted that
participants would be more likely to attend to and deal with
ought-related regrets than ideal-related regrets. That's exactly what
they found. It seems then, that ought-related regrets require more
immediate behavioral and psychological repair work, whereas
ideal-related regrets seems as though they can be put away and dealt
with at a later time. Part of this might be due to the pressures of
impression management and the constant desire to be accepted by others.
The central aim of the sixth and final study was to uncover the link
between resolved and unresolved regrets, and whether those regrets were
related more to the participants’ ideal selves or their ought selves.
Once again, the findings suggested that ideal-related regrets are
less likely to elicit psychological and behavioral coping efforts, which
leads people to think they are still unresolved. In contrast, because
people have a more pressing need to deal with their ought-related
regrets (again, because of social pressures), they are more likely to
ultimately perceive them as resolved and dealt with.
Why it matters for you and your life
Contrary to what you hear in the media or what your friends tell you,
living life without any regrets is pretty much an impossible task. It
is completely natural to wonder what your life could have been like had
you chosen another career
path or had you married your high school sweetheart. From huge
life-altering decisions to trivial everyday choices—our lives are
comprised of could haves and should haves. It’s what makes us human.
Importantly though, not all regrets are felt the same. They differ in
number and intensity based on the different categories of self-concept.
This information could be used to minimize the weight of regret in your
own life.
It all depends on who you are and what you are trying to achieve. If
you define yourself more by your obligations and responsibilities (the
“ought”), it would be wise
to think twice before making any decisions that involve close others in
your life. On the other hand, if you are guided more by your sense of
personal self (the “ideal”), then you may be happier deciding on the
thing that serves your best interest.
The first step, then, in reducing regret: know thyself.
BY
Nick Hobson, Ph.D., is a research psychologist and lecturer at the University of Toronto.
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