Justin Lehmiller is a Kinsey Institute fellow, social psychologist, and sex researcher whose new book, Tell Me What You Want —
based on a survey of over 4,000 Americans — breaks down our most
prevalent thoughts about sex. Lehmiller found that the three most common
sexual fantasies
among American women and men are:
Q: Why do our sexual fantasies matter? To us as individuals, and collectively as a society?
A: Our fantasies matter for several reasons. One is that almost
everyone has them — yet most people keep their fantasies to themselves
and, more often than not, feel guilty
or ashamed of them. The result is that we’re carrying around a lot of
emotional baggage that prevents us from getting what we really want and,
more broadly, from actually communicating about sex with our partners.
We stand to be far happier as individuals and as a society if we can
break down the barriers to talking about and sharing our fantasies with
our partners.
Also, when we run away from our fantasies by repressing them instead
of accepting them as a part of us, we lose control of them, and they
come to control us. Repressing our desires has the ironic effect of
making us think about them more — it creates an obsessive preoccupation
that can ultimately be harmful to our mental health.
Q: In 1973, it was highly controversial for Nancy Friday to assert that women even had sexual fantasies. How far have we come, or not, since then?
A: We’ve certainly come a long way since then in terms of the way we think about female sexuality
— however, we have a long way to go. People still cling to a lot of
stereotypical ideas about what it is that women want when it comes to
sex, and my data challenge a lot of these stereotypes, such as the idea
that women’s fantasies focus mostly on romantic themes. Women did report
romantic themes in their fantasies more often than men did, but it
definitely wasn’t the case that romance was the biggest or most
important fantasy theme for them. One of the most interesting things I
found was that women’s sexual fantasies were far more adventurous than
most people give them credit for. For example, the vast majority of
women I surveyed had fantasized about group sex, BDSM, and sexual
taboos.
Q: Are sexual fantasies cross-cultural? Is there any literature on variation?
A: I focused my work on sexual fantasies in the United States. I did
this intentionally, because I wanted to look at how our fantasies were
connected to various aspects of U.S. culture, such as how U.S. body
ideals for men and women relate to the characteristics of the people in
their fantasies. I would love to explore how fantasies vary
cross-culturally, and that’s something I plan to do in future work.
I found some evidence that our fantasies do reflect our culture, so I
would expect to see some variation. For instance, in places where the
body ideals are different from those in the U.S., I would expect that
people’s fantasy partners would look quite different. Also, given that
sexual practices differ cross-culturally (e.g., oral sex is widely
practiced in the U.S. but is almost non-existent in parts of Sub-Saharan
Africa), this would likely impact the types of activities that appear
in our fantasies as well. The same goes for what is considered taboo
when it comes to sex — taboo themes were very popular in my fantasy
analysis, but what is thought of as sexually “taboo” is culturally
relative.
Q: What percentage of your respondents liked sharing fantasies with a partner?
A: About half of my respondents reported having shared their biggest
sexual fantasy with a partner before. Of those who had done so, the vast
majority reported positive outcomes. The numbers varied depending on
the fantasy, but between two-thirds and three-quarters of participants
said that their partner responded positively. Furthermore, those who
shared their fantasies reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction,
more satisfying romantic relationships, and fewer sexual difficulties with desire, arousal, and orgasm. So, by and large, sharing one’s fantasies was linked to positive outcomes across the board.
That said, there were some people who reported negative reactions,
which means there are potential risks in sharing one’s fantasies. For
example, some may feel shamed or judged by their partner for disclosing
their desires. This means that when it comes to talking about your
fantasies and desires, it’s important to proceed slowly and make sure
there is a solid foundation of trust, communication, and intimacy
first.
Q: In the age of easy access to internet porn and digital connections, how are our sexual fantasies changing?
A: This is a tough question to answer! A lot of people assume that
online porn is fundamentally shaping and changing our desires. For
example, much has been said and written recently about how the rise of
incest-themed porn and media depictions (e.g., on Game of Thrones)
is creating a surge in incest fantasies. However, what we don’t know is
whether this interest was there all along and if these porn/media
depictions are simply bringing it out into the open.
That said, based on my findings, it seems clear that porn, to some
extent, both shapes and reflects our sexual fantasies. More often that
not, it just reflects what we desire: I found that more than 80
percent of my participants said they had intentionally sought out porn
that depicts their fantasies. Thus, people often use porn as a way of
vicariously living out their fantasies. At the same time, about 1 in 7
participants said that their favorite fantasy of all time stemmed
directly from something they saw in porn. This means that porn does have
the potential to help us generate new sexual interests and desires
(something that makes sense in light of what social psychologists refer
to as the “mere exposure effect”). This isn’t to say that we’re always
learning new desires or fantasies every time we watch porn, just that
the potential is there for us to learn new fantasy content.
AUTHOR
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is the author of the books Primates of Park Avenue and Stepmonster.
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