“It is not our stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” —Dr. Hans Selye
All of us — on occasion, at least — overreact to the small stuff,
often without even realizing it. If you find yourself getting overly
angry, upset, or defensive over little things, take comfort in knowing
that there are actions you can take to more effectively manage your
emotions. Listen, it’s totally okay to feel your
emotions and want to
explode sometimes; but that way of dealing with situations doesn’t tend
to feel so great. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge annoying
predicaments and then find constructive ways to express and deal with
them serves us much better in the long run. If something truly upsetting
happens, it’s perfectly reasonable to get upset. However, it isn’t
necessarily good for us to sweat all the small stuff and hype ourselves
into an overreaction every time we get upset.
Real issues start to arise when we react much more than necessary under the circumstances. For example, someone cutting
you off in traffic isn’t a reason to scream, stick your middle finger
out the window, and yell at the person in your passenger seat. We’ve all
been there, of course, but the reality is, it isn’t very helpful. It
only serves to put us at risk of creating a bigger issue or accident.
Overreactions never make situations better; in fact, they usually make
them worse. Stress in our lives can create the conditions for us to
overreact. But even though doing so might release tension in the moment,
it doesn’t solve the true source of the stress. All it does is
paradoxically create more stress and anxiety. So when you find yourself
sweating the small stuff, it might be a sign that there are other,
deeper problems you aren’t dealing with, making you liable to blow a
gasket at any moment.
Many people who overreact tend to overthink situations that don't go
their way, leaving them incapable of thinking about anything else.
Overreacting can affect their happiness
to the point that it gets in the way of things they really want to do.
Entertaining thoughts like, “Why do I have such bad luck?” or “This
always happens to me,” only creates more stress and anxiety in their lives.
Know Your Triggers
All of us have triggers that can lead us to overreact at times. If we
know what those triggers are, we can learn to be more in control of
ourselves when our buttons are pushed. Personally, I overreact and feel
triggered whenever I work hard on something, and someone is critical of
it. I’m pretty positive and encouraging toward others, and I can also
take constructive criticism pretty well. However, if I think another
person is being unfairly critical, it’s easy for me to lose it. Knowing
this about myself, I become more aware of my reactions and try to more
calmly respond to people when they’re offering criticism.
If you aren’t totally aware of what your triggers are, it might help
to reflect on the past week and all the times something upset you.
Whether it was justified or not, identify the things that bothered you
the most. It could be rejection, criticism, or even something that has
nothing to do with you, like someone talking about politics.
It's also important to think about whether you were tired, hungry, or
anxious about work in those moments. The last time you overreacted, what
was going on with you? Had you not eaten for a while? Was it the end of
a hectic week? If you can find out what triggers you and get a sense of
the circumstances around those triggers, you might be able to better
manage yourself when something upsets you in the future. This gives you
time to gain some perspective about what really happened during those
moments when you lost your cool. It’s important to look back, not to
punish yourself for overreacting, but to learn from the experience. Ask
yourself some more questions, like “Why did I do that?” and “What could I
have done differently?” If you're having a hard time reflecting on your
actions, separate yourself from the event to get a clearer perspective.
How would other people see it? How would your idol handle the same
situation? Taking a closer look at the mindset you were operating from
in the past isn’t an easy thing to do, but it will help you, in the long
run, to respond instead of overreact.
Check your expectations, and make sure they’re realistic. Life can
move smoothly at times, but inconveniences are inevitable. People and
situations aren’t always predictable. Take yourself out of your own
mind, and think about how other people might feel about
things. Overreactions sometimes happen when we get hyper-focused on
ourselves and our own emotions. None of us is entitled to a perfect
life. By taking some time to manage our expectations, we can greatly
reduce the chances of overreacting to the imperfections.
Always keep in mind that if something has been bothering you for a
really long time, the smallest inconvenience can push you overboard. Try
to address the past and resolve anything that’s truly bothering you in
the present moment. If you don't, I can assure you that you’ll continue
to sweat the small stuff. Address issues head-on as soon as they arise.
Let it out, so you can let it go and move on. Keep a journal, write a
letter, do whatever it takes to talk it out. It’s no secret that life
can get tough. And when things don’t go our way, it’s easy to lose
patience. Try to manage yourself with the tips below, so that you can
appropriately respond to the situations that arise in your life, one at a
time.
1. Take a moment. Notice the changes within you (tension in your neck, hot cheeks, elevated heart rate). Keep breathing deeply, and cool down.
2. Rationalize. Think about what just happened
rationally by bringing yourself closer to objective truth rather than
your subjective experience. Find a way to be compassionate and avoid
personalizing what happened to you.
3. Act. Express yourself with “I” statements, or
remove yourself from the situation. If you're still upset, find a way to
re-channel how you feel.
AUTHOR
Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and blogger, who teaches in the Department of Counseling at Barry University.
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