Sex
with an ex. Ask any friend if they think it would be a good idea to
return to the arms of a former lover for one more night of passion, and
the answer is likely to be a vociferous “No”. Under no circumstances.
Never.
But why? When we break up with a partner, especially a
partner with
whom we have been physically and emotionally intimate, many of us
experience genuine heartache. We mourn the end of the relationship and
must go through a period of recovery before we feel ready to embark on a
fresh relationship.
To seek respite from this pain, however temporarily, by sleeping
with an ex feels dangerous, or at least unhealthy.
Nevertheless, research shows that around 20% of ex-spouses sleep with
their former partner within four months of separating. Does this risk
rekindling feelings for someone we have already decided is not right for
us? Will sex with an ex take us right back to the beginning of our
recovery, postponing our ability to move on and find someone new?
Stephanie Spielmann, a psychologist at Wayne State University in
Detroit, and her colleagues Samantha Joel and Emily Impett from Canada,
decided to find out once and for all whether the received wisdom about sex with an ex is true. Does sex with an ex help or hinder our relationship recovery?
They recruited over 100 people who had recently split up. The average
time since breakup was just over a week. For the following four weeks,
the volunteers completed daily surveys about their feelings and
behavior. How emotionally attached did they feel toward their ex? How
distressed were they over their breakup? Had they pursued sexual contact
with the ex?
Sex with an Ex: Help or hindrance?
The psychologists found that people who pursued sex with a former
partner tended to feel more emotionally attached to their ex,
particularly on days when they made efforts to have sex with their ex.
So far, conventional wisdom seems to be correct.
However, volunteers who pursued sex with their ex did not report any
more distress at their breakup or intrusive thoughts about their
relationship. In fact, volunteers reported feeling better on days when
they pursued sex.
Another important question Spielmann and her team
wanted to answer was whether pursuing sex with an ex makes us feel more
emotionally attached to them, or if we are more likely to pursue sex
when we feel emotionally attached. Which comes first: the pursuit of sex
or the emotional attachment? The nature
of the study — with its daily surveys — allowed the researchers to
solve this “chicken and egg” conundrum. They found that feelings of
distress or pain did not appear to precede attempts to have sex with the
ex. Rather, pursuing sex with an ex was associated with increased
feelings of well-being over subsequent days.
Spielmann also checked in with her volunteers two months later. As
one might expect, feelings of emotional closeness to the former partner
declined over time. The volunteers were beginning to recover. But the
speed of this recovery process was not slowed or accelerated among those
who had pursued sex with a partner. It didn’t make a difference either
way.
The scientists acknowledge that further research is needed to test
whether the long-term effects of pursuing sex with an ex are positive or
negative. In the meantime, it certainly seems like the lay theories
about sex with an ex are wrong. Pursuing sex with an ex may neither help
nor hinder your recovery from a breakup, but is probably not as
disastrously ill-advised as many of us assumed.
AUTHOR
Robert Burriss, Ph.D., is an evolutionary psychologist at Basel University in Switzerland. He produces The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast.
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