We are all going to die. Paradoxically, sex, which is the source of
life, keeps reminding us of our mortality. When I started my graduate
studies, I wondered which topic would fascinate me in the upcoming
years. Because I was young and at the height of discovering the joy of
life, the answer was easy: Sex. Of course, I discussed sexual issues
with friends
and people around me and was surprised to discover that sex could be
not only a source of joy and pleasure but also a source of pain, embarrassment,
or even boredom. I remember that one of my friends told me: "I don't
understand all the fuss around sex!" I asked her if she didn't enjoy her
sex life and she replied that she did, but that for her, it wasn't a
big deal. Then, I decided to explore the meaning of sex in people's
lives and how it affects their relationships. Now, let's find out why
sex may pose a problem for humans and how humans cope with it.
When Sex Is More Than Just Sex |
As we all know, we are equipped with a sexual system that enables us to reproduce and transfer our genes
to the next generations. The sexual system arouses our sexual urges and
thereby motivates us to find a partner with whom we can mate. Without
having fun while engaging in sex or, at least, without being motivated
to engage in sex, our species wouldn't have survived.
If so, why do so many people have mixed emotions about sexuality? Sex is a creaturely act that reminds us of our animalistic nature.
I once visited the San Diego zoo with friends and we watched the
chimpanzees. Many of the chimpanzees were copulating with each other,
and our presence did not interfere with their "show." One of my friends
noted: "Oh! I look like a monkey when I'm having sex." And we all
laughed because she was right. We do look like animals when we have sex.
This resemblance reminds us of our animalistic nature and that, like
all animals, we are doomed to perish. Animalistic sex reminds us of our
own mortality. Just to illustrate the association of sex with death,
think about the expression "la petite mort," little death, which may
relate to reaching an orgasm.
We may have sex like animals and die like animals do. However, unlike
animals, we are aware of the fragility of life and the certainty of
death. And this awareness is terrifying and unbearable. To maintain our
peace of mind, we use psychological defense mechanisms that help us
distinguish ourselves from animals and thereby remove the awareness of
death from consciousness.
One such coping mechanism is infusing sex with meanings that
transform an animalistic urge to something larger than everyday lives.
In one of my studies, I asked people to describe the meanings of sex in
their lives. People describe a variety of meanings that make sex much
more than a creaturely act. For example, some people may say that for
them, sex is a way to express uniqueness and creativity. Others may view sex as a place where they can lose inhibitions and escape reality.1
Think about your reasons for engaging in sex. Why do you have sex? Your impulsive reaction might be: "I want to have sex because I'm horny." However, when asked such a question,2 people mention many other reasons for engaging in sex, such as, "I have sex to relieve stress"
or, "I have sex to feel good about myself." When we analyze the
meanings of sex and the reasons for having sex, we find that amongst the
most common meanings are those that reflect the belief that sexual
activity promotes intimacy between partners and enhances their emotional
bond.
Both men and women tend to romanticize sex and it works for them. It
helps them hide the threatening association of sex with mortality, as
I'll illustrate with an old study. In this study, participants were
exposed to either the physical or romantic aspects of sex. For example,
they had to think either about the taste of sweat or about feeling close
to their partner. Following this exposure, the participants were asked
to complete word fragments, such as coff __, which could be either
"coffee" or "coffin"; or ki__ed, which could be either "kicked" or
"killed." People were more likely to complete words with deadly
connotations following exposure to the physical than the romantic
aspects of sex.3 These findings tell us that love protects us from the deadly connotations of sex.
Out of all possible meanings of sex that may hide its deadly
connotation, as I mentioned before, why do we tend to romanticize sex
and associate it with emotional connection? The answer may lie in the
exceptionally long period in which children depend on our caring. At
what age can they survive without our caring and protection? Throughout
our history, kids' survival chances increased tremendously, if both parents
raised them together. Hence we had to develop mechanisms that motivated
us to stay with a sexual partner, at least long enough until our kids
could survive without our caring.
If we take a look at the constellation of characteristics that
distinguish human sexuality from that of other mammals, we'll find
indirect evidence that the sexual system is one such mechanism4.
Sexual interactions may help build the emotional connection between
partners. Humans, for example, prefer the ‘missionary’ sexual position.
This sexual position enables partners to maintain face-to-face,
belly-to-belly contact and look into each other eyes during sexual
intercourse. Humans also tend to have sex in private and to sleep together afterwards. Such behavioral tendencies instill a sense of closeness between sexual partners.
In addition, the neuropeptide oxytocin,
which facilitates emotional bonding, is secreted in humans during
foreplay, sexual intercourse, and the moments preceding orgasm. We as
humans experience an extended exposure to oxytocin, as we do not limit
our sexual interactions to the days that precede ovulation, but engage
in sex throughout the menstrual cycle.
We don't have to look at indirect evidence for the role of sex as a
relationship-promoter. As I mentioned before, people often indicate
directly that they use sex to intensify their relationships. And they
act accordingly. For example, people are more inclined to behave in a
way that allows them to get closer to potential partners.
In a series of studies,5 we exposed participants to either
sexual or neutral stimuli without their awareness. Participants were
sitting in front of a computer screen and we flashed pictures on the
screen so quickly the participants weren’t aware of them. Half the
participants were exposed to erotic photos. Half were shown neutral
pictures. Following this exposure, participants met an opposite-sex
stranger and were asked to tell this stranger a personal story.
Participants who were exposed to sexual stimuli revealed more personal
information to the stranger than participants who were exposed to
neutral stimuli. This research demonstrates that sexual desire makes us
chatty. Chattiness, in turn, helps us initiate a relationship with a
potential partner.
In another series of studies,6 participants were exposed
to sexual or neutral stimuli. Then, the participants were asked to solve
a series of problems in the presence of another opposite-sex
participant, who was actually a confederate. That is a research
assistant that worked with us. When the confederate got to the third
question, he or she turned to the participants and asked their help in
solving that question, uttering, "I'm stuck with this question. Could
you please help me solve it?"
The confederate hid a stopwatch in the pocket and assessed the actual
time the participants spent helping solve the needed question. The
findings showed that participants invested more time in helping the
confederate in the sexual activation condition than in the control
condition. So sex makes us not only more chatty but also more helpful.
The magical effects of sex work for both men, and women and not only
in initial encounters, but also in existing relationships. In a recent
study,7 we instructed participants to fantasize about an
activity they experienced with their partner, which was either sexual or
non-sexual. Then, participants were asked to indicate their desire to
do something that would make their partner happy. Participants who
fantasized about sex expressed greater desire to do something that would
make them happy compared to participants who fantasized about
non-sexual activity.
And, indeed, people were more likely to behave nicely to their
partner after fantasizing about this partner. In a subsequent study,
participants who recorded in a diary their daily sexual fantasies
and daily relationship interactions for several weeks reported engaging
in behaviors that improve their relationship, such as complimenting
their partner, following sexually fantasizing about their partner.
What have we learned here? For most people, sex is much more than
just sex. Sex becomes complex because we make it so to distance it from
its animalistic and deadly connotations. The association of sex with
relationships adds to this complexity because relationships are
complicated for so many people.
The next time you have sex, think about the reasons for doing so and
the meaning of sex in your life. Asking yourself these questions may
reveal the implications of this complexity for your life. The meanings
you attach to sex will determine whether sex will be used to develop
intimate bonds with sexual partners or just for feeling good about
yourself in other ways, which are less beneficial to your romantic relationships. As for myself, it took me many years to understand that I chose to study sexuality in close relationships to cope with my fear of death, in the hope that my studies will outlive me.
This article is the transcript of my TEDx talk. You may watch my talk here:
https://youtu.be/YD-Kl0lTsY4 |
ABOUT AUTHOR
Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., is
a professor at the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, the
Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya. Her research focuses on sexual
fantasies and sexuality in close relationships.
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