The honeymoon phase rarely lasts forever. Ideally, once the urge
to hold your spouse’s hand and make out with them in front of unenthused
onlookers starts to fade, your relationship will slow down and relax into a
comfortable, lasting rhythm that works for the two of you. Or, it might slowly
dissolve into a loveless relationship, so slowly in fact, that you don’t even
realize how you got there.
Okay, that last one sounds harsh, I know, but unhappy marriages
are more common than you think, says Marni
Feuerman, PsyD, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton and author
of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable
Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships.
In many cases, Feuerman explains, marriages suffer from communication
issues that one partner recognizes and the other refuses to acknowledge. This
might happen because one person’s life goals have shifted and no longer align
with their partner’s or they feel like their concerns are never taken seriously
in the relationship. In other cases, both partners find themselves trapped in
unhealthy patterns (constant bickering for example) and detach because they’re
just too exhausted to argue anymore.
Since all marriages (even the happiest ones) have conflict, some
issues are fixable with counseling, Feuerman assures. But some you’ll
realize—once a pro spotlights the cracks in your relationship—aren’t worth
repair. Whatever the outcome, by pinpointing the tensions in your marriage,
you’ll have an opportunity to find happiness with your spouse, with someone
new, or on your own. The tricky part is figuring out whether you’re simply
going through an expected marital rough patch, or if you’re actually in
an unhappy marriage. Luckily, there are signs to help you figure out the
latter:
1. You’re not having sex.
2. You have divorce fantasies.
Imagining you’re married to someone else or single isn’t always something
to worry about. However, routinely fantasizing about a life your partner isn’t
in or comparing your actual life to an imaginary one in which you’re married to someone else is a sign that
you’re no longer feeling some or all of the qualities that once attracted you
to your spouse. And if you’re okay with the idea of a life without your spouse,
you probably don’t actually want a
life with them.
3. You minimize each other’s concerns.
Oftentimes, says Feuerman, unhappy marriages are rooted in
imbalances where one person thinks they’re superior to their partner and
dismisses their spouse’s feelings. This one’s a big no-no because it defeats
the whole equal partnership thing—a pretty big deal in marriage.
If
you find yourself constantly vying for the upper hand when you’re discussing
something with your spouse, you might want to sit down with a therapist
one-on-one and figure out why you don’t see value in what your partner has to
say (or vice versa) and how this might impact your marriage.
4. All your time feels like alone time.
If even when you’re chilling on the couch with your wife, you feel
like she’s isn’t in-the-moment engaging with you, and instead, seems more
interested in the latest on Instagram, it’s a sign you two aren’t on solid
ground anymore.
5. The fun’s gone.
It might sound simple, but a disconnect in a relationship can be
linked to humor, says Feuerman. With all the run-of-the-mill disagreements and
compromises that come with marriage, it’s important for couples to find the
lightness when things get heavy because “laughter is a great healer,” she adds.
If you and your partner can no longer joke and laugh things off, it means the
two of you are in a negative rut that you might need help getting out of.
6. They’re no longer your confidant.
Relationships of every kind need transparency to last. Feuerman’s
not saying you can never keep certain things private, but you can probably
admit sharing deets about the career-changing project you’ve just been assigned
at work or sharing the news about your sister’s pregnancy with your husband is
kind of a given. So, if you find yourself offering more detail about your life
to your neighbors than him, you might have some trust issues to work out.
7. You feel neglected.
If
you’re feeling lonely and hurt, lean into that, Feuerman advises. “Everyone has
individualized ways of feeling appreciate and loved,” she adds. And by digging
deeper you’ll be able to identify what’s making you feel abandoned by your
partner whether it’s their endless stories about how great their new gym buddy
is, or it’s that they routinely dedicate all their time and attention to your
kids leaving you in the dust.
Once you pinpoint the source of these feelings, you’ll be able to
tell your partner what it is you need from them and explain why their actions
make you feel especially vulnerable. You’ll know you need to reach out for
third-party help if your partner doesn’t see a problem with your loneliness or
if they outright tell you they’re distancing themselves from the marriage on
purpose.
8. Everything they do gets under your skin.
Does the sound of your wife’s chewing make the hairs on your body
stand on end? Are you wondering about whether she’s always spoken into the
phone so loudly? Or if she’s always taken those ridiculously long showers?
When the little things start feeling like big ol’ annoyances, says
Feuerman, there’s a chance the way you see your spouse is starting to shift. In
these cases, she says, “there’s always something deeper and more individualized
going on.” Meaning: This is a you problem.
This is where one-on-one sessions that supplement couples
counseling really make a difference. Maybe you’re feeling taken for granted,
maybe they’ve taken on more at work and you’re missing them. Whatever it is,
without shaming your husband or wife in front of your therapist, you can use a
personal session to get to the bottom of why you’re suddenly rolling your eyes
at your spouse's every move.
9. One of you cheated.
Even if you and your partner thought you’d moved on after one of you had an affair, you might still be
harboring feelings of resentment that you’ve shoved deep down inside you. Pain
from unhealed wounds can manifest themselves in a number of ways including
guilting your partner for something you said you’d forgiven them for and
struggling to trust them.
Feuerman’s not saying to forget the infidelity ever happened, but
if you and your spouse can’t seem to move past it after giving it your best
shot you might have to just admit you’re unhappy and discuss getting outside
help, taking time apart, or separating altogether.
10. They’re keeping secrets.
Maybe
you aren’t working through issues of infidelity, but you suspect your partner
has a relationship on the side because they’ve stopped offering details about
their day or their stories about where they’ve been aren’t adding up.
A spouse being vague in order to cover up an affair or substance
abuse struggles is a very common relationship stressor that, if not addressed
delicately and head-on, says Feuerman, might push you and your partner toward
splitsville.
11. Most of your conversations turn into
arguments…
This one’s a little more obvious, but Feuerman says spouses tend
to downplay arguments and disagreements as “normal couple happenings” when, in
fact, they’re important signals indicating you and your wife, husband, or
partner don’t want the same things out of life. Instead of minimizing your
spats as common reactions, consider what you’re arguing about, whether you’re
picking fights to cover up your hurt, and how often you have the same
arguments. You might find that you and your spouse are simply going through
what you think are the healthy motions of marriage when you actually just might
not a good fit for each other anymore.
12. …or you don’t even argue at all anymore.
If you and your spouse huff and storm off to separate rooms to
scowl when you’re upset, you might be so disconnected from each other that
fighting to make the other understand your side of things doesn’t even seem
worth it anymore.
Sure, a lot of fighting is worrisome, but no fighting at all? That
means the two of you don’t think there’s anything left worth fighting for in
your relationship. The fix is for you and your partner to come up with a
different method for conflict resolution such as writing down your feelings so
that you can better articulate them to your partner instead of stewing in your
angry feelings. When you decide on a method that works best, go back to your
spouse and try to hear them out one last time (note: with an open mind), say
what you have to say, and then try to come up with a resolution together. If
that doesn’t work, take your problems to a professional who can help you work
through it.
13. You can’t do commitment.
Though
you might have thought it was at first, monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it might not
be for you. It’s common in unhappy marriages for one person to feel like
they’re missing out on life because they’re “tied down” to someone or feel like
they were rushed and pressured into marriage before they were ready. Feuerman
often works with clients who get married because they didn’t want to be alone
and others who do it because they felt like they had to by a certain age and
later realize marriage doesn’t actually align with their values.
If this sounds like you, tell your partner how you’re feeling and
do what you need to in order to feel happy. That can mean divorce, separation,
an open marriage, polyamory…you have options, you just have to find what’s
right for you.
14. You feel like you’re under a microscope.
Sure, there’s no avoiding a little feedback from your spouse every
now and again, but if non-stop criticism about how you organize the pantry
leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything right, there’s a good chance your
marriage is lacking in some very crucial TLC. “Marriage, partnerships,
relationships are about being accepted for you are” so, when that stops
happening you’ve got trouble, says Feuerman.
15. They’re always on the defensive...
Talking
to someone who’s in denial can feel like repeatedly banging your head against a
wall. And a spouse who refuses to attempt to understand your worries about your
marriage or apologize for how they’ve made you feel is especially frustrating
because their denial is a major roadblock to repairing your relationship.
A successful marriage calls for compromise, shutting up to listen,
and making a sincere effort to see things from your partner’s point of view.
All in all, marriages require empathy. If your spouse doesn’t feel for you when
you’re hurting and refuses to get help to better your relationship when you
express how that affects you, it might be time to move on.
16. ...Or they don't recognize there's a problem at all.
“There’s no getting back on track in a marriage if both people
don’t want to face their issues head-on,” Feuerman says. So, if your spouse
doesn't see anything that needs repair in your marriage, there's a slim chance
you'll be able to get back on track considering only one of you thinks you've
derailed.
17. You're increasingly more attracted to other people.
When
you get married it's not like you suddenly have to wear blinders that keep you
from finding other people attractive. But if thoughts about emotionally
cheating on your spouse go through your mind, if you're flirting with other
people, or spending time with someone in a way that would bring on a heap of
guilt if your partner found out, you're pulling away from your marriage, says
Feuerman. Chances are there's something missing from your marriage that you're
searching for in relationships with other people.
18. You have different agendas.
Say you want children and your spouse doesn't. Say you see
marriage as a way to deepen a relationship with a partner and your spouse, who
thinks your relationship was deep enough, felt saying "I do" was only
important for tax purposes.
If you're together for different reasons, it's not unusual for
these opposing beliefs to drive a wedge between you two. And if you can't find
a middle ground you might have to find other people who's goals mirror yours.
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