My Marriage is being Threatened by my ex

Dear Bunmi,

I got married a couple of years ago to the man of my dream. But after the marriage, instead of moving on with my new life like I had planned, my ex came back into the picture. He texted to tell me how happy he was for me but instead of that being the end of it, we decided to meet up for some ‘closure’ and found ourselves in bed together. My husband suspected something was going on between us both and kicked me out.

 

I started to make things work with my ex but within months, he showed his true colours once again and I realised I had made a terrible mistake. I pleaded with my husband for months and he eventually took me back and moved away with him to his new job in another state. Now I find myself thinking constantly about my ex, sometimes even crying while my husband is asleep right next to me. I feel like I’m trapped by being madly in love with my ex even though I know he is a rat and bad for me. And then I go to bed with this amazing man I’m privileged enough to call my husband. I am beyond confused. I need help.

Amaka,
by e-mail.

Dear Amaka,
I don’t think you’re madly in love with your ex, it’s the excitement and drama that keeps pulling you back. It’s almost as if you’re addicted to it. You gave it another go with this selfish ex of yours and realised pretty quickly that he was an ex for a reason. Stop thinking romantically and imagine what would happen if your husband kicks you out again. He won’t take you back a second time. What exactly do you think is going to be different with your ex this time? He’s going to show his true colours again and you’ll be back to square one. He won’t trust you either. If you could treat the man you vowed to love like that, what are the chances you won’t do the same to him?

Try to think back to when you met your husband and why you got together. I bet it’s because he’s everything your ex isn’t. I think you’ve been very lucky that he’s stood on his pride and taken you back. If he hadn’t, you wouldn’t be thinking about your ex now, you’d be devastated about losing your husband and thinking of ways to win him back. If you don’t love your husband, that’s different. But if it’s just that you’re craving some excitement, you can work on that. Your husband must have excited you at some point or you wouldn’t have married him.

By Bunmi Sofola