5 Steps You Should Take Before Starting An Open Relationship

Perhaps you believe monogamy isn’t natural or that love should be multiplied rather than divided. Or even more simply, you’re just curious what it would be like to open up your relationship to other partners.

In any case, you’re not alone: A 2014 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 23 to 40 percent of men and 11 to 22 percent of women are intrigued by the idea of an open relationship situation. However, recent studies show that only about 5 percent of men and women in the U.S. are actually in non-monogamous relationships. (Spice up your sex life with this organic lube from the Women's Health Boutique)

This shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise, says Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D. and author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. Most of us would like to have unlimited sexual and emotional partners (cue: "It's Raining Men!"), but don’t want to share those partners with other people. Of course, that situation is probably not going to happen for most people. But if you're able to move past jealousy and allow your partner to see other people too, then opening up your relationship could make it that much better.

Figure Out What "Open" Means to You
It’s quite the fluid term, says Sheff, and its definition greatly depends on the people involved. Open relationships are a form of consensual non-monogamy. For some, it can be what Dan Savage, author and host of Savage Lovecast, calls “monogamish,” meaning there’s a core couple who are allowed dalliances on the side.
Swinging is another form of an open relationship. In this scenario, Sheff says primarily heterosexual couples engage with other heterosexual couples in male-female and female-female sex.
Polyamory is more inclusive of the LGBTQ community and rejects the idea of a primary couple. The level of love and importance is equal among all those in the relationship.

Decides If You are Okay Sharing
Ask yourself, “Does the idea of sharing appeal to me and if so, to what extent?” says Sheff. Some people naturally want to share everything. Others are more self-oriented but don’t want to sacrifice long-term intimacy for a few rolls in the hay. If you're already on the jealous side of the spectrum, it's not likely you'll deal well with your partner's new extracurricular activities.

Set Guidelines
Deciding what kind of open relationship you're looking for is just part of the groundwork. Each relationship will need its own unique set of rules and regulations that are agreed upon by all parties involved in order for this to work, says Sheff. For some couples, that may be a don't ask, don't tell policy. For others, it might mean sharing exactly who you're with and when you're with them. You should also consider whether you're okay with an emotional bond developing or what your policy is on using protection. There are no right or wrong rules, says Sheff. As long as you're both on the same page, your relationship has a high a chance of success.
Consenting to these rules and the arrangement, in general, is vital for both parties. "If the power is unequal and one person wants multiple partners while the other person feels like they can’t say no, that’s doomed," says Sheff. No one can badger or pester anyone into a happy, healthy open relationship.

Makes changes as You GO
As with any kind of relationship, there are shifts and bumps along the way, says Sheff. By introducing other people, you're welcoming uncertainty into the relationship. So things won't always go as you initially planned. Someone may begin to develop feelings for a secondary partner or a behavior might make you more uncomfortable than you initially anticipated. You're sailing into uncharted territory here, so you need to be willing to adapt your rules accordingly. Always remain communicative with your primary partner.

Know that the Relationship Might Change 
As with anything, there are pros and cons to monogamous relationships. Just because some claim that monogamy isn't natural, it doesn't mean it isn't a worthwhile pursuit, says David Barash, Ph.D., author of Out of Eden: Surprising Consequences of Polygamy. For example, monogamy correlates strongly with both male and female parents actively raising children, and men who aren't monogamous are typically less likely to be engaged with their kids, he says.
And if you're unable to share, negotiate, and re-negotiate as things progress, your open relationship may blow up in your face. However, if you are able to do those things, it can work wonders. A lot of people say it reinvigorates their sex life, says Sheff. They learn new sexual techniques and ideas that may never have occurred to them before. Beyond that, they might learn new emotional techniques and means of communication, and begin to expand their personality. The situation also demands that you take an active and responsible role in all your relationships, making you an overall better partner.
"I don't necessarily advocate for or against monogamy, but I feel strongly that whatever lifestyle people elect, they should do so in full knowledge of their sexual nature," says Barash. Beyond knowing yourself, he stresses that it's essential to recognize the pitfalls of all relationship structures. For example, monogamy may lead to stability with occasional sexual frustration, while non-monogamy may leave you feeling sexually liberated with bouts of jealousy. In order to choose what's right for you, you must determine what your priorities are in a relationship.